[itsuki internally closing his eyes because he's flashbacking to the moment when meteion showed him buzen's letter and then scolded him for saying that he'd kick buzen's ass like he ever could,]
...You deserve to be mad.
[but he knows it won't make sense if he just leaves it like that,]
It's true that my memories of you were taken from me. [he'd have never willingly given them anyway, and yet] ...But Te-kun told me the day after how I could get them back.
...Before then... I knew I'd forgotten you, and I could tell that you meant a lot to me, just by the way some people were avoiding the subject. Hot Pants is the one who made it clear -- that we were in love, and that you were dead.
[...]
I was scared of remembering, so I didn't say the words Te-kun told me right away. Even though I said that I would treasure your memory. I... I ran away.
[like he always does. buzen was the one who told him he could change if he wanted to, and that he didn't have to because nothing was wrong with him. but maybe buzen was wrong then -- itsuki should have turned into a braver person, that way he wouldn't have hesitated for so long.]
itsuki tells him that he deserves to be mad but - as itsuki explains, buzen's expression remains the same. curious, a little puzzled. it doesn't seem to occur to him to be angry in the slightest. he holds onto itsuki's hands and remains patient, but...]
... that's okay.
[softly, but reassuringly]
There are things that are hard to face alone - and it was also my fault, a little, for leaving you alone. It's why I'd said... it's okay if you had forgotten, and still didn't remember... because I was worried that the memory of me when I wasn't there would upset you.
I don't want to be a reason you're sad. It was almost a relief, when you seemed a little lighter when you didn't realize anything was wrong. [just being a happy slutty kitsune, content to flirt and be carried]
Others remembered me - so it was alright. I'd still exist, and I'd just remind you when we met again.
[as opposed to what happened - when itsuki remembered, and went back to being a little constantly heartbroken]
[itsuki still thinks buzen deserves to be angry, even if everything in him doesn't want to see that anger. he doesn't want buzen to be upset at him, or think he loves him any less, or feel betrayed --
but it's hard to hear these words and accept buzen's understanding... the way he will always prioritize itsuki's happiness even on this,]
...I still hurt you. That moment we shared... when you told me how you weren't sure you existed. You opened up to me. That felt so important to me, and it still does now.
[he'll treasure that conversation, even if that very conversation made him cry all the more harder when his memories came back,]
I know you don't want me to be sad, but... I'd rather grieve for you than forget you. I know that now.
[ . . . buzen thinks that's a sweet sentiment, and it manages to warm his heart at the same time that he can't help but be a little worried. he brings his hand up to itsuki's cheek, resting against it cups his face and guides him to let their eyes meet]
... it did hurt, because... I don't want you to forget me. I want you to know me, in all the ways that only you do.
[if he's being sincere and honest. buzen isn't the type to run away from his feelings]
But none of that was your fault. I don't want you to feel guilty over it when I don't blame you at all, Suki.
[their eyes meet, and itsuki keeps his gaze on him. as much as he's a coward and likes to run --
he's stopped wanting to -- ever since he met buzen. so he takes buzen's honesty and folds it into his heart, the knowledge that buzen was hurt and that he doesn't blame him,
he never wants to forget again. he leans into the hand, closing his eyes, his voice rough]
I... [...a little helplessly,] I'm sorry.
For what I did -- and for feeling guilty... [because he knows that will make buzen sad too,] I'm sorry for always trying to get my own way. ...And I'm sorry for making you relive that moment.
But most of all, I'm sorry too -- for being happy anyway, because you love me, and don't blame me.
[even now, after what itsuki did, and for forcing his way. for dragging buzen into a dream so he can relive what the word paraiso means, for scaring him so badly]
[maybe someone should consider holding itsuki accountable for his actions - i keep thinking that roxana would and that'll make crau3 so fucking funny but
it doesn't even so much as occur to buzen why itsuki might be apologizing for all these things. it's not as though they came as a surprise or were done maliciously - buzen even agreed to everything about tonight's dream. so instead he'll simply gently pull on itsuki's hand to encourage him closer, slipping his fingers out of their hold only so that buzen can encourage itsuki into his arms in a warm embrace underneath the cherry blossoms]
... I forgive you.
[just as easy as breathing]
I do love you. You make me happier so much more than you could ever make me unhappy, even if some things hurt or sting in the moment. So how could I ever hold anything against you, when I'd always rather you be happy?
itsuki needs no encouragement, he slips into Buzen's embrace immediately, pressing his body against his -- letting that warmth suffuse through him. it reminds him of the day he first met buzen. how was it possible that he could have been surprised? discomfited to have his guard rattled so thoroughly?
how was it possible when being in buzen's arms makes so much sense? his hands come up to hold him back, hoping he can repay even a tenth of that warmth. buzen loves him, and itsuki loves him back,]
You're amazing. [...] Every part of you.
[the buzen who loves him, the buzen who upholds the mission and somehow keeps his heart throughout,]
Thank you for telling me, Buzen. For taking a chance on me. ...I love you.
[his emotions are so focused. the cherry blossom trees rustle, more flowers bloom beneath their feet, the faint sound of music floats on the air -- all keyed to itsuki's emotions, despite it being buzen's dream. or maybe the dream is responding to both of them, to the softness of this shared moment.]
[hugs are truly buzen's favorite. hugging itsuki even moreso.
it feels so reminiscent of the very first time that itsuki so easily came into his arms, even though so much has changed since then. but he would like it if no matter where they are, it was an easy thing to come back to exactly this. having his arms around the person he wants to hold onto for as long as he can - this person who crossed worlds just for him.]
I'll take a chance on you everyday, every single time, Suki. [confidently - there's so many things buzen doesn't know, but this is one thing that simply makes sense to him] You'll always be worth it.
I really love you, Itsuki.
[and he'll say it as many times as itsuki would like to hear it]
It's cute how Buzen trusts him... not many people would without paying a price first. He holds Buzen closer, as the edges of the dream slowly grow fuzzy]
...See you soon.
[and dissipate entirely, bringing them both to wakefulness,]
anyway buzen echoes the same 'see you soon' - but then slowly lets his eyes open. he's the type to wake up early, and he wonders if itsuki let them rise at his usual hour... even if normally he'd let itsuki sleep in a little more.
he glances over, a little curious if itsuki is also awake... but for now he just shifts so that he can hold him a little closer, enjoying the warm wash of the room as the sun begins to rise on the citadel]
buzen's home after so many days, which means waking up quickly is preferable to sleeping in now. that itsuki would reach a point in his life where he'd prefer reality to dreams... he'd never would have imagined it,
he turns his head, pressing a kiss to buzen's forehead,]
Good morning.
...How do you feel? Your body shouldn't feel tired, but...
[mental exhaustion can still be a thing -- and the first part of that dream had been intense,]
Depending on the situation, yeah. Or if we have to keep watch over someone that we need to protect, the night can be a great time for the enemy to strike.
Missions have moments when they're fun... but we really don't have much room to fail.
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no subject
that said
buzen is just going to tilt his head at that]
... I forgive you?
I'm not mad. Weren't you going to kick my ass because I wasn't mad?
[BUZEN REALLY WOULD'VE LET ITSUKI STAY IN HIS AMNESIAC AU UNTIL THEY REUNITED A MONTH LATER HELP]
no subject
...You deserve to be mad.
[but he knows it won't make sense if he just leaves it like that,]
It's true that my memories of you were taken from me. [he'd have never willingly given them anyway, and yet] ...But Te-kun told me the day after how I could get them back.
...Before then... I knew I'd forgotten you, and I could tell that you meant a lot to me, just by the way some people were avoiding the subject. Hot Pants is the one who made it clear -- that we were in love, and that you were dead.
[...]
I was scared of remembering, so I didn't say the words Te-kun told me right away. Even though I said that I would treasure your memory. I... I ran away.
[like he always does. buzen was the one who told him he could change if he wanted to, and that he didn't have to because nothing was wrong with him. but maybe buzen was wrong then -- itsuki should have turned into a braver person, that way he wouldn't have hesitated for so long.]
no subject
itsuki tells him that he deserves to be mad but - as itsuki explains, buzen's expression remains the same. curious, a little puzzled. it doesn't seem to occur to him to be angry in the slightest. he holds onto itsuki's hands and remains patient, but...]
... that's okay.
[softly, but reassuringly]
There are things that are hard to face alone - and it was also my fault, a little, for leaving you alone. It's why I'd said... it's okay if you had forgotten, and still didn't remember... because I was worried that the memory of me when I wasn't there would upset you.
I don't want to be a reason you're sad. It was almost a relief, when you seemed a little lighter when you didn't realize anything was wrong. [just being a happy slutty kitsune, content to flirt and be carried]
Others remembered me - so it was alright. I'd still exist, and I'd just remind you when we met again.
[as opposed to what happened - when itsuki remembered, and went back to being a little constantly heartbroken]
no subject
but it's hard to hear these words and accept buzen's understanding... the way he will always prioritize itsuki's happiness even on this,]
...I still hurt you. That moment we shared... when you told me how you weren't sure you existed. You opened up to me. That felt so important to me, and it still does now.
[he'll treasure that conversation, even if that very conversation made him cry all the more harder when his memories came back,]
I know you don't want me to be sad, but... I'd rather grieve for you than forget you. I know that now.
no subject
... it did hurt, because... I don't want you to forget me. I want you to know me, in all the ways that only you do.
[if he's being sincere and honest. buzen isn't the type to run away from his feelings]
But none of that was your fault. I don't want you to feel guilty over it when I don't blame you at all, Suki.
no subject
he's stopped wanting to -- ever since he met buzen. so he takes buzen's honesty and folds it into his heart, the knowledge that buzen was hurt and that he doesn't blame him,
he never wants to forget again. he leans into the hand, closing his eyes, his voice rough]
I... [...a little helplessly,] I'm sorry.
For what I did -- and for feeling guilty... [because he knows that will make buzen sad too,] I'm sorry for always trying to get my own way. ...And I'm sorry for making you relive that moment.
But most of all, I'm sorry too -- for being happy anyway, because you love me, and don't blame me.
[even now, after what itsuki did, and for forcing his way. for dragging buzen into a dream so he can relive what the word paraiso means, for scaring him so badly]
no subject
it doesn't even so much as occur to buzen why itsuki might be apologizing for all these things. it's not as though they came as a surprise or were done maliciously - buzen even agreed to everything about tonight's dream. so instead he'll simply gently pull on itsuki's hand to encourage him closer, slipping his fingers out of their hold only so that buzen can encourage itsuki into his arms in a warm embrace underneath the cherry blossoms]
... I forgive you.
[just as easy as breathing]
I do love you. You make me happier so much more than you could ever make me unhappy, even if some things hurt or sting in the moment. So how could I ever hold anything against you, when I'd always rather you be happy?
no subject
itsuki needs no encouragement, he slips into Buzen's embrace immediately, pressing his body against his -- letting that warmth suffuse through him. it reminds him of the day he first met buzen. how was it possible that he could have been surprised? discomfited to have his guard rattled so thoroughly?
how was it possible when being in buzen's arms makes so much sense? his hands come up to hold him back, hoping he can repay even a tenth of that warmth. buzen loves him, and itsuki loves him back,]
You're amazing. [...] Every part of you.
[the buzen who loves him, the buzen who upholds the mission and somehow keeps his heart throughout,]
Thank you for telling me, Buzen. For taking a chance on me. ...I love you.
[his emotions are so focused. the cherry blossom trees rustle, more flowers bloom beneath their feet, the faint sound of music floats on the air -- all keyed to itsuki's emotions, despite it being buzen's dream. or maybe the dream is responding to both of them, to the softness of this shared moment.]
no subject
it feels so reminiscent of the very first time that itsuki so easily came into his arms, even though so much has changed since then. but he would like it if no matter where they are, it was an easy thing to come back to exactly this. having his arms around the person he wants to hold onto for as long as he can - this person who crossed worlds just for him.]
I'll take a chance on you everyday, every single time, Suki. [confidently - there's so many things buzen doesn't know, but this is one thing that simply makes sense to him] You'll always be worth it.
I really love you, Itsuki.
[and he'll say it as many times as itsuki would like to hear it]
no subject
he'll never give those days up, not for anything, simply because this right here is what he's always wanted.]
I'll always be here for you to take a chance on. ...Always.
[even if he has to eventually leave, but like buzen said, that doesn't have to be forever. eventually, he lifts his head, lips brushing buzen's ear]
,,,The sun's up. Shall we go?
no subject
now they have forever.
but buzen will just press a kiss to itsuki's cheek then, nodding]
Mm. We can go.
[he really is fine just leaving this dream entirely in itsuki's hands]
no subject
It's cute how Buzen trusts him... not many people would without paying a price first. He holds Buzen closer, as the edges of the dream slowly grow fuzzy]
...See you soon.
[and dissipate entirely, bringing them both to wakefulness,]
no subject
anyway buzen echoes the same 'see you soon' - but then slowly lets his eyes open. he's the type to wake up early, and he wonders if itsuki let them rise at his usual hour... even if normally he'd let itsuki sleep in a little more.
he glances over, a little curious if itsuki is also awake... but for now he just shifts so that he can hold him a little closer, enjoying the warm wash of the room as the sun begins to rise on the citadel]
no subject
buzen's home after so many days, which means waking up quickly is preferable to sleeping in now. that itsuki would reach a point in his life where he'd prefer reality to dreams... he'd never would have imagined it,
he turns his head, pressing a kiss to buzen's forehead,]
Good morning.
...How do you feel? Your body shouldn't feel tired, but...
[mental exhaustion can still be a thing -- and the first part of that dream had been intense,]
no subject
[some of that mental exhaustion is there but - he just turns his head so that he can press his lips against itsuki's instead for a proper kiss]
Some missions require not sleeping at all some nights... so I'm better off than those times at least.
no subject
Yeah? [...] Because you have to be alert at all times?
[he can't forget the way buzen didn't let his guard down even once, despite knowing it was a dream]
no subject
Depending on the situation, yeah. Or if we have to keep watch over someone that we need to protect, the night can be a great time for the enemy to strike.
Missions have moments when they're fun... but we really don't have much room to fail.
no subject
That won't be a problem for me. I used to stay up all night all the time, like back on the ship.
[granted he's never had to stay up for something actually important, but... he leans in to kiss buzen again]
Let's meet in the dojo later when you have time.
no subject
... we'll figure it out. Sometimes we split up for missions too but... as long as you don't go onto an actual battlefield or war zone...
That'll be enough for me.
no subject
[so he can entrust this twink to other swords!! itsuki will be good!!
(except he won't but that's fine)]
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but buzen will just nod because he doesn't see a reason why he wouldn't believe this]
Mm, good. Then... that'll give me a lot less to worry about.
no subject
he'll nuzzle in close to buzen even though it's time to get up,]
...Thank you, Buzen.
[for giving him a chance! for saying yes! and not for the other things like inadvertently creating more trauma
also, even though he said this earlier, he thinks it bears repeating,]
And welcome home.
no subject
... I'm happy to be home.
Thank you, for being my home.