[the way itsuki is feeling so conflicted? should he be happy? does this mean buzen trusts in him, or that the thought simply never occurred to him? he's looking at the :) on buzen's face and realization is about to dawn on him]
Of course not. I've never looked at anyone else ever, the whole...
[...]
The whole time -- when you were with me and when you... weren't... I...
he's drooping so much and buzen will just instinctively encourage itsuki back into his arms? clearly this is something that you will want to tell your very sweet boyfriend who holds you gently whenever you seem even a little sad,]
WORSE??? IT'S GETTING WORSE??? Itsuki does not resist, because he feels like pushing Buzen away would be the cherry on the cheating sundae he's about to serve him,]
I...slept with someone.
A kitsune...
Um, it was Crow, actually... But he was a kitsune! So -- it wasn't really him? It was like -- an alternate version.
[ . . . ? buzen tilts his head, trying to really understand the situation. he echoes the word 'cheated' vaguely, as if slowly grasping it in the context of the situation]
Oh, because... you said you only want to be with me, and me to be with you?
[ . . . ]
Mmm, well... I said that it'd be okay if you changed your mind... and it still is.... [he might be a little more disappointed? but well,] But you didn't really change your mind....
If you were intimate with someone else, the only thing I care about it is if they're nice to you. If they were mean to you, or treated you poorly, I'd be angry.
[itsuki also tilts his head, trying to understand the situation. or more like, trying not to, because he's realizing what buzen means??? now it's his turn to echo some words...
he literally has no reason to get upset here, HE'S the one who cheated? HE'S the slut here? he deflates, from both that and buzen's very honest answer]
That's how you really feel? ...You're not holding back on me, are you?
[he's trying to think.... how does he really feel.................
yup, it's just this]
I'm not sure I get why you're sad... and I'm wondering if I'm missing something... but I'm really not mad. If anything, I'm a little relieved that you were able to get some of what you wanted while I was gone.
It's kind of why I wouldn't have minded if your amnesia lasted longer...
[itsuki could've gotten another lover? good for him?]
[itsuki literally just got railed and he's out here feeling this way i cannot
he flinches a little -- he can't help it even though he JUST HAD VERY LOVING SEX WITH BUZEN I CAN'T -- and his expression turns a little wry]
...I remember. You said you thought I'd be happier if I didn't remember.
[...]
-- Sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm the one who messed up. Regardless of whether you're mad or not... I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't slept with someone else. ...And I really wish I hadn't forgotten you.
buzen frowns... and just goes to pick itsuki right back up again so that he can just. full on keep him in his lap which makes him much easier to cuddle. he loops his arms around him in a very close hug, and settles his chin on his shoulder.]
.... it's not like you could've known better. You wouldn't have if you remembered, but even forgetting wasn't your fault.
Mm... I think it's pretty unfair... but I'd just be angrier at the Prism than at you.
Don't apologize though. ... I'm sorry if I said something wrong, or if I should be reacting differently though...
[at the end of the day, he's a sword. to some degree, he likes it, when itsuki says that he belongs to buzen right back - but there is also some part of him that clearly doesn't know how to truly maintain any sense of possessiveness.
as long as itsuki loves him - hell, as long as itsuki even remotely likes him, there's not really anything for buzen to complain about.
he still doesn't know how to expect more than... well, nothing.]
...I don't want to tell you how to react -- or say that your feelings are wrong.
[especially not when buzen does his best to fulfill every one of itsuki's wants? he truly does love that about buzen, but not -- at the expense of what he could feel? he should be allowed to feel however he likes?
but he doesn't want to leave buzen confused either... hiding his feelings now might actually upset him, more than everything else he's admitted so far,]
I just... [...] I know that it looked like I was happy -- and maybe I was. But... I was just the same person I was before I met you. Just that same, cowardly guy -- who never talks about his real feelings, and only thinks of himself.
I don't like being that person. And I never want to be that person again. I don't want to exist without you... Because that wouldn't really feel like living.
[how intense, perhaps dramatique, but itsuki is hard-wired to treat his feelings with this much intensity at all times. he tries to smile to lighten up the atmosphere a little, placing his hand on the side of buzen's face,]
...That's just how I feel. So it wouldn't be fair of me to expect the same from you.
[ . . . buzen is thoughtful about it, as he leans into itsuki's touch. buzen knows that he can't promise the same, not truly - because he will live on without itsuki at some point. that's the nature of what it means, to be a sword who loves a human. your spirit will always outlive those you give your heart to.
but he thinks he understands a little bit better, why itsuki is so unhappy over forgetting - even though buzen thought from a distance that maybe he seemed happier. more carefree, without the grief weighing on him. without buzen.
a happiness that wasn't rooted in love, maybe.
buzen turns his head so he can press his lips against itsuki's palm, leaving a kiss there. he reaches to grasp onto itsuki's hand, just so that he can hold it in place while buzen tilts it to press a kiss to his wrist.]
... I just want what you want. You're the one that I love, and so... if you really want to remember me more than anything, then... I'll want that, too. I'd like to believe in it again, and for a really long time.
But I don't know how to be mad at you when it comes to finding companionship with someone else... I hope that you forgive yourself soon too, like how I forgive you.
[itsuki's eyes flutter closed at the soft kiss to his palm, then to his wrist. partly because the sensation is so soft, and makes him feel safe and loved. partly because he doesn't trust himself not to look like he's struggling with what to say in response,
'you can want more than what i want'
itsuki wants that for buzen, but a part of him does not. he's afraid that one day buzen, with his open and loving heart, might look to someone else. maybe after itsuki leaves, maybe before. he might want more than just this life, he might want one with someone who could actually spend it with him, who could say all the right things and be gracious where itsuki cannot.
if buzen wants what itsuki wants, then is that really fair to buzen...? he doesn't know. he doesn't have the right answer to say. maybe if he was more used to being sincere, instead of living his life speaking half-truths and constantly avoiding pain.]
...I want to remember you. More than anything. Now, and in whatever next life I'm allowed to have.
[maybe buzen will want to be with someone who'll listen to his wants, but]
That's why I can't quite let it go, even though you forgive me. I can't forgive a life where I don't know you, or find someone else. I won't ever be with anyone who isn't you again. ...You deserve a heart that won't falter, and I want to give that to you.
[ . . . buzen will do his best to remember that, then. in the next life, when he catches sight of itsuki on a crowded street, leaving a life untouched by historical revisionists and the horrors of war, buzen will try to recall this moment. that itsuki wants to know him, to remember him, even if it might mean some of that peace being disrupted.
briefly, buzen wonders if itsuki again is misjudging exactly what he's asking for.
. . . but maybe it's okay, if buzen wants this, too.
he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair, expression softening as he leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]
Is that what love means to you?
[to hold onto that unwavering dedication and loyalty, even if it means being mad at yourself for things outside of your control? he's not sure if he entirely agrees with it... even if he does understand the underlying sentiment of the words. to want to give all of yourself to someone, no reservations.]
... I'll keep taking care of you then, in this life and the next, so I can live up to that kind of devotion. So I can accept your heart without wondering if I deserve it.
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I don't really know what the feeling is like.
[he's just. never gotten jealous,]
You can keep being intense... I know I love you differently from them, and I'll do my best to remind you of that too.
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he kisses buzen, softly -- almost a little shy,]
Mm... I'm happy that you love and accept me.
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wait]
-- So you've never felt jealous before?
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No? Should I have?
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Of course not. I've never looked at anyone else ever, the whole...
[...]
The whole time -- when you were with me and when you... weren't... I...
[.........................?]
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You....?
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oh noooo
oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo]
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he is hesitant though, visibly so. he puts a hand over the back of his neck, drooping like a bruised violet...]
Um, back at the prism -- when I went on one of those adventures... The one where I was a kitsune... The one where -- I lost my memories of you...
[drooping.... he's struggling....]
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he's drooping so much and buzen will just instinctively encourage itsuki back into his arms? clearly this is something that you will want to tell your very sweet boyfriend who holds you gently whenever you seem even a little sad,]
Mm...? What about it...?
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THIS IS
WORSE??? IT'S GETTING WORSE??? Itsuki does not resist, because he feels like pushing Buzen away would be the cherry on the cheating sundae he's about to serve him,]
I...slept with someone.
A kitsune...
Um, it was Crow, actually... But he was a kitsune! So -- it wasn't really him? It was like -- an alternate version.
[DOES THAT MAKE IT BETTER?]
...I'm sorry, Buzen.
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huh!]
Um. Okay?
Was it bad? Was he mean to you? Should I kick his ass?
[IS THAT WHY ITSUKI'S SAD!!!!!!!!!!]
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'IS BUZEN ASKING IF THE SEX WAS BAD????????????? THE WAY BOTH CROW AND BUZEN ASKED THIS QUESTION???????????????????????????]
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[HIS DEPRESSED 'IM A CHEATER' MOMENT DERAILED SO QUICKLY]
Kick his ass? Shouldn't you kick mine?
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whoa this escalated quickly! buzen looks genuinely alarmed at that, worried]
What? Why would I do that? Did I say something...?
[to make itsuki feel unsafe...??]
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...Aren't you angry?
[itsuki use ur int and assess the situation for the love of god,]
...I cheated on you with someone else.
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Oh, because... you said you only want to be with me, and me to be with you?
[ . . . ]
Mmm, well... I said that it'd be okay if you changed your mind... and it still is.... [he might be a little more disappointed? but well,] But you didn't really change your mind....
If you were intimate with someone else, the only thing I care about it is if they're nice to you. If they were mean to you, or treated you poorly, I'd be angry.
But Crow's a pretty nice guy so...
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'If you were intimate with someone else, the only thing I care about it is if they're nice to you.' ?????
'I said that it'd be okay if you changed your mind' ??????????????]
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he literally has no reason to get upset here, HE'S the one who cheated? HE'S the slut here? he deflates, from both that and buzen's very honest answer]
That's how you really feel? ...You're not holding back on me, are you?
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No...?
[he's trying to think.... how does he really feel.................
yup, it's just this]
I'm not sure I get why you're sad... and I'm wondering if I'm missing something... but I'm really not mad. If anything, I'm a little relieved that you were able to get some of what you wanted while I was gone.
It's kind of why I wouldn't have minded if your amnesia lasted longer...
[itsuki could've gotten another lover? good for him?]
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he flinches a little -- he can't help it even though he JUST HAD VERY LOVING SEX WITH BUZEN I CAN'T -- and his expression turns a little wry]
...I remember. You said you thought I'd be happier if I didn't remember.
[...]
-- Sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm the one who messed up. Regardless of whether you're mad or not... I wish I hadn't done it. I wish I hadn't slept with someone else. ...And I really wish I hadn't forgotten you.
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buzen frowns... and just goes to pick itsuki right back up again so that he can just. full on keep him in his lap which makes him much easier to cuddle. he loops his arms around him in a very close hug, and settles his chin on his shoulder.]
.... it's not like you could've known better. You wouldn't have if you remembered, but even forgetting wasn't your fault.
Mm... I think it's pretty unfair... but I'd just be angrier at the Prism than at you.
Don't apologize though. ... I'm sorry if I said something wrong, or if I should be reacting differently though...
[at the end of the day, he's a sword. to some degree, he likes it, when itsuki says that he belongs to buzen right back - but there is also some part of him that clearly doesn't know how to truly maintain any sense of possessiveness.
as long as itsuki loves him - hell, as long as itsuki even remotely likes him, there's not really anything for buzen to complain about.
he still doesn't know how to expect more than... well, nothing.]
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...I don't want to tell you how to react -- or say that your feelings are wrong.
[especially not when buzen does his best to fulfill every one of itsuki's wants? he truly does love that about buzen, but not -- at the expense of what he could feel? he should be allowed to feel however he likes?
but he doesn't want to leave buzen confused either... hiding his feelings now might actually upset him, more than everything else he's admitted so far,]
I just... [...] I know that it looked like I was happy -- and maybe I was. But... I was just the same person I was before I met you. Just that same, cowardly guy -- who never talks about his real feelings, and only thinks of himself.
I don't like being that person. And I never want to be that person again. I don't want to exist without you... Because that wouldn't really feel like living.
[how intense, perhaps dramatique, but itsuki is hard-wired to treat his feelings with this much intensity at all times. he tries to smile to lighten up the atmosphere a little, placing his hand on the side of buzen's face,]
...That's just how I feel. So it wouldn't be fair of me to expect the same from you.
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but he thinks he understands a little bit better, why itsuki is so unhappy over forgetting - even though buzen thought from a distance that maybe he seemed happier. more carefree, without the grief weighing on him. without buzen.
a happiness that wasn't rooted in love, maybe.
buzen turns his head so he can press his lips against itsuki's palm, leaving a kiss there. he reaches to grasp onto itsuki's hand, just so that he can hold it in place while buzen tilts it to press a kiss to his wrist.]
... I just want what you want. You're the one that I love, and so... if you really want to remember me more than anything, then... I'll want that, too. I'd like to believe in it again, and for a really long time.
But I don't know how to be mad at you when it comes to finding companionship with someone else... I hope that you forgive yourself soon too, like how I forgive you.
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'you can want more than what i want'
itsuki wants that for buzen, but a part of him does not. he's afraid that one day buzen, with his open and loving heart, might look to someone else. maybe after itsuki leaves, maybe before. he might want more than just this life, he might want one with someone who could actually spend it with him, who could say all the right things and be gracious where itsuki cannot.
if buzen wants what itsuki wants, then is that really fair to buzen...? he doesn't know. he doesn't have the right answer to say. maybe if he was more used to being sincere, instead of living his life speaking half-truths and constantly avoiding pain.]
...I want to remember you. More than anything. Now, and in whatever next life I'm allowed to have.
[maybe buzen will want to be with someone who'll listen to his wants, but]
That's why I can't quite let it go, even though you forgive me. I can't forgive a life where I don't know you, or find someone else. I won't ever be with anyone who isn't you again. ...You deserve a heart that won't falter, and I want to give that to you.
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briefly, buzen wonders if itsuki again is misjudging exactly what he's asking for.
. . . but maybe it's okay, if buzen wants this, too.
he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair, expression softening as he leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]
Is that what love means to you?
[to hold onto that unwavering dedication and loyalty, even if it means being mad at yourself for things outside of your control? he's not sure if he entirely agrees with it... even if he does understand the underlying sentiment of the words. to want to give all of yourself to someone, no reservations.]
... I'll keep taking care of you then, in this life and the next, so I can live up to that kind of devotion. So I can accept your heart without wondering if I deserve it.
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