...I don't want to tell you how to react -- or say that your feelings are wrong.
[especially not when buzen does his best to fulfill every one of itsuki's wants? he truly does love that about buzen, but not -- at the expense of what he could feel? he should be allowed to feel however he likes?
but he doesn't want to leave buzen confused either... hiding his feelings now might actually upset him, more than everything else he's admitted so far,]
I just... [...] I know that it looked like I was happy -- and maybe I was. But... I was just the same person I was before I met you. Just that same, cowardly guy -- who never talks about his real feelings, and only thinks of himself.
I don't like being that person. And I never want to be that person again. I don't want to exist without you... Because that wouldn't really feel like living.
[how intense, perhaps dramatique, but itsuki is hard-wired to treat his feelings with this much intensity at all times. he tries to smile to lighten up the atmosphere a little, placing his hand on the side of buzen's face,]
...That's just how I feel. So it wouldn't be fair of me to expect the same from you.
[ . . . buzen is thoughtful about it, as he leans into itsuki's touch. buzen knows that he can't promise the same, not truly - because he will live on without itsuki at some point. that's the nature of what it means, to be a sword who loves a human. your spirit will always outlive those you give your heart to.
but he thinks he understands a little bit better, why itsuki is so unhappy over forgetting - even though buzen thought from a distance that maybe he seemed happier. more carefree, without the grief weighing on him. without buzen.
a happiness that wasn't rooted in love, maybe.
buzen turns his head so he can press his lips against itsuki's palm, leaving a kiss there. he reaches to grasp onto itsuki's hand, just so that he can hold it in place while buzen tilts it to press a kiss to his wrist.]
... I just want what you want. You're the one that I love, and so... if you really want to remember me more than anything, then... I'll want that, too. I'd like to believe in it again, and for a really long time.
But I don't know how to be mad at you when it comes to finding companionship with someone else... I hope that you forgive yourself soon too, like how I forgive you.
[itsuki's eyes flutter closed at the soft kiss to his palm, then to his wrist. partly because the sensation is so soft, and makes him feel safe and loved. partly because he doesn't trust himself not to look like he's struggling with what to say in response,
'you can want more than what i want'
itsuki wants that for buzen, but a part of him does not. he's afraid that one day buzen, with his open and loving heart, might look to someone else. maybe after itsuki leaves, maybe before. he might want more than just this life, he might want one with someone who could actually spend it with him, who could say all the right things and be gracious where itsuki cannot.
if buzen wants what itsuki wants, then is that really fair to buzen...? he doesn't know. he doesn't have the right answer to say. maybe if he was more used to being sincere, instead of living his life speaking half-truths and constantly avoiding pain.]
...I want to remember you. More than anything. Now, and in whatever next life I'm allowed to have.
[maybe buzen will want to be with someone who'll listen to his wants, but]
That's why I can't quite let it go, even though you forgive me. I can't forgive a life where I don't know you, or find someone else. I won't ever be with anyone who isn't you again. ...You deserve a heart that won't falter, and I want to give that to you.
[ . . . buzen will do his best to remember that, then. in the next life, when he catches sight of itsuki on a crowded street, leaving a life untouched by historical revisionists and the horrors of war, buzen will try to recall this moment. that itsuki wants to know him, to remember him, even if it might mean some of that peace being disrupted.
briefly, buzen wonders if itsuki again is misjudging exactly what he's asking for.
. . . but maybe it's okay, if buzen wants this, too.
he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair, expression softening as he leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]
Is that what love means to you?
[to hold onto that unwavering dedication and loyalty, even if it means being mad at yourself for things outside of your control? he's not sure if he entirely agrees with it... even if he does understand the underlying sentiment of the words. to want to give all of yourself to someone, no reservations.]
... I'll keep taking care of you then, in this life and the next, so I can live up to that kind of devotion. So I can accept your heart without wondering if I deserve it.
[itsuki opens his eyes at the question, thoughtful.]
...It's how I feel when it comes to you, so it must be.
[holding himself to standard when before he'd never bothered to try because he was always convinced that he'd fail. ...but he wants to try now, for this sword with a human heart who he loves,
he leans in a little, shuffles down so he can press a kiss over the soft beat of buzen's heart. reveling in the reality of this moment, that he can be present with him even now. proof that he belongs to buzen, and buzen belongs to him.]
I'll do my best too. To meet you no matter what, so I can love you all over again.
buzen's expression warms gently over the kiss, the affection, shifting only so it's easier for him to be able to hold itsuki gently. he lets his fingers run through his hair, other hand rubbing his back in slow, reassuring circles.]
... then I'll look forward to it. I'll let myself believe, as long as it's you that I'm believing in.
[so that they can meet again, so that he can be the one that itsuki might want to fall in love with... regardless of who else he might kiss or touch in the meantime. and if he ever does, then buzen will just forgive him all over again.
but it'd be nice, he thinks.
if itsuki's heart could always lead them back together.]
[itsuki's lips curl into a smile against buzen's heart, marveling at how easy it is to be happy now, how buzen makes him happy. the hand on his back feels warm and reassuring, echoing the solidity of his words. he moves up, pressing a line of kisses into the hollow of buzen's throat, on his lips]
...I won't keep you waiting for too long, promise.
[time holds a different meaning to buzen, itsuki knows. still, he'd like to spend all of that time with him, as much as he can.
speaking of spending time... he doesn't want to move from buzen's embrace or unlink his own hands from around him, but...]
Shall we go home?
[it's different, but it still makes him happy, it's still happiness.]
[he leans in to give itsuki one more kiss, lingering and sweet, before he shifts his hold on itsuki. he tucks one arm underneath his knees and the other at his back before going to lift him right up, ready to carry him home]
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no subject
...I don't want to tell you how to react -- or say that your feelings are wrong.
[especially not when buzen does his best to fulfill every one of itsuki's wants? he truly does love that about buzen, but not -- at the expense of what he could feel? he should be allowed to feel however he likes?
but he doesn't want to leave buzen confused either... hiding his feelings now might actually upset him, more than everything else he's admitted so far,]
I just... [...] I know that it looked like I was happy -- and maybe I was. But... I was just the same person I was before I met you. Just that same, cowardly guy -- who never talks about his real feelings, and only thinks of himself.
I don't like being that person. And I never want to be that person again. I don't want to exist without you... Because that wouldn't really feel like living.
[how intense, perhaps dramatique, but itsuki is hard-wired to treat his feelings with this much intensity at all times. he tries to smile to lighten up the atmosphere a little, placing his hand on the side of buzen's face,]
...That's just how I feel. So it wouldn't be fair of me to expect the same from you.
no subject
but he thinks he understands a little bit better, why itsuki is so unhappy over forgetting - even though buzen thought from a distance that maybe he seemed happier. more carefree, without the grief weighing on him. without buzen.
a happiness that wasn't rooted in love, maybe.
buzen turns his head so he can press his lips against itsuki's palm, leaving a kiss there. he reaches to grasp onto itsuki's hand, just so that he can hold it in place while buzen tilts it to press a kiss to his wrist.]
... I just want what you want. You're the one that I love, and so... if you really want to remember me more than anything, then... I'll want that, too. I'd like to believe in it again, and for a really long time.
But I don't know how to be mad at you when it comes to finding companionship with someone else... I hope that you forgive yourself soon too, like how I forgive you.
no subject
'you can want more than what i want'
itsuki wants that for buzen, but a part of him does not. he's afraid that one day buzen, with his open and loving heart, might look to someone else. maybe after itsuki leaves, maybe before. he might want more than just this life, he might want one with someone who could actually spend it with him, who could say all the right things and be gracious where itsuki cannot.
if buzen wants what itsuki wants, then is that really fair to buzen...? he doesn't know. he doesn't have the right answer to say. maybe if he was more used to being sincere, instead of living his life speaking half-truths and constantly avoiding pain.]
...I want to remember you. More than anything. Now, and in whatever next life I'm allowed to have.
[maybe buzen will want to be with someone who'll listen to his wants, but]
That's why I can't quite let it go, even though you forgive me. I can't forgive a life where I don't know you, or find someone else. I won't ever be with anyone who isn't you again. ...You deserve a heart that won't falter, and I want to give that to you.
no subject
briefly, buzen wonders if itsuki again is misjudging exactly what he's asking for.
. . . but maybe it's okay, if buzen wants this, too.
he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair, expression softening as he leans forward to press a kiss to his forehead.]
Is that what love means to you?
[to hold onto that unwavering dedication and loyalty, even if it means being mad at yourself for things outside of your control? he's not sure if he entirely agrees with it... even if he does understand the underlying sentiment of the words. to want to give all of yourself to someone, no reservations.]
... I'll keep taking care of you then, in this life and the next, so I can live up to that kind of devotion. So I can accept your heart without wondering if I deserve it.
no subject
...It's how I feel when it comes to you, so it must be.
[holding himself to standard when before he'd never bothered to try because he was always convinced that he'd fail. ...but he wants to try now, for this sword with a human heart who he loves,
he leans in a little, shuffles down so he can press a kiss over the soft beat of buzen's heart. reveling in the reality of this moment, that he can be present with him even now. proof that he belongs to buzen, and buzen belongs to him.]
I'll do my best too. To meet you no matter what, so I can love you all over again.
no subject
buzen's expression warms gently over the kiss, the affection, shifting only so it's easier for him to be able to hold itsuki gently. he lets his fingers run through his hair, other hand rubbing his back in slow, reassuring circles.]
... then I'll look forward to it. I'll let myself believe, as long as it's you that I'm believing in.
[so that they can meet again, so that he can be the one that itsuki might want to fall in love with... regardless of who else he might kiss or touch in the meantime. and if he ever does, then buzen will just forgive him all over again.
but it'd be nice, he thinks.
if itsuki's heart could always lead them back together.]
no subject
...I won't keep you waiting for too long, promise.
[time holds a different meaning to buzen, itsuki knows. still, he'd like to spend all of that time with him, as much as he can.
speaking of spending time... he doesn't want to move from buzen's embrace or unlink his own hands from around him, but...]
Shall we go home?
[it's different, but it still makes him happy, it's still happiness.]
no subject
[he leans in to give itsuki one more kiss, lingering and sweet, before he shifts his hold on itsuki. he tucks one arm underneath his knees and the other at his back before going to lift him right up, ready to carry him home]
... thanks for being here. I hope you had fun.
[like
even before they banged,]
no subject
but also,]
-- Wait, you don't have to carry me! You were on your feet the whole day.
[itsuki saying this after asking buzen to rail him is so]
no subject
[
i mean technically true he does run everywhere,]
no subject
You were dancing the entire time...
[COORDINATED DANCE MOVES LOOK LIKE THEY TAKE ENERGY??]
no subject
buzen's just laughing though]
Do you want me to put you down?
[he will if itsuki wants him to, but he's... not tired enough to.....]
no subject
buzen's manly arms feel so nice..........]
-- No, wait. Everyone will ask why I'm the one being carried when you were the one who was performing...
[and then they'll put 2 and 2 together about the bang,]
no subject
I can just say that I like carrying you?
[which..... is true.........
yeah!]
no subject
...I'll walk when we get to the citadel.
[he doesn't want to leave more psychic damage to kotegiri than he already has]]
no subject
but buzen will just laugh and carry itsuki right along then until they make it back to the citadel,
we have to save kotegiri from this]