[buzen rubs itsuki's back then in slow, reassuring motions.]
... I think if you had a little more time, maybe. Or if we could've framed it a different way.... I think that you can do anything that you put your mind to.
[because itsuki is amazing.]
... but it's almost impossible when. you're dealt a bad hand like we were. Those loyalties never should've been made in the first place. Since we jumped in so late... [he just sighs, shaking his head.]
I think in missions... we all share some of the pain when things go wrong. That's what bonds us. But... I also don't want you to carry guilt that isn't yours. Not when we couldn't have asked anything else of you.
[...can he really do anything? it hurts a little to see the boundless trust buzen has in him,
itsuki glances away for a moment, but he doesn't move away from buzen's hand.]
...I couldn't even do what was asked of me.
[buzen believes he can do anything, but he really couldn't do a single thing. ...he can't tell if he's sorry that he couldn't do it, or he's sorry that he had to be asked,]
Even if the mission itself wasn't my fault -- what happened... [he sighs too, softer] I'm still responsible.
[ . . . . his brow furrows a little at that because he... can't entirely disagree. itsuki did disobey. more than once.
hyuuga is still unconscious from blood loss. buzen nearly passed out himself from the same thing. swords are always meant to take injuries before humans - but this feels preventable.
he would've done the same thing every time, to keep itsuki from getting hurt.
The others wanted to move farther away from the battle, but I wanted to wait until you came back.
[...did he think buzen wouldn't? buzen who trusts itsuki, and itsuki who apparently can't manage to do the same.]
Then the soldiers saw us and I ran with Hyuuga-kun. But then I heard one of them mention you, and I saw the archers getting ready. So I attacked them instead.
[ . . . itsuki attacked them, even though hyuuga was gesturing for the safety of getting out of sight. but itsuki attacked them, because he wanted to help save buzen. and itsuki delayed their escape from the battlefield, because he wanted to see buzen.
there's a slight tension in his body at that, and he lets his gaze drift over to the rising steam. the coils of warmth turn visible against the evening air, and continue to drift upward toward the darkness of the night. he counts some stars as he gathers his thoughts.]
... I've heard of it before.
Swords not following the mission, because their hearts led them somewhere else. It happened at Mt. Atsukashi. Even Kotegiri acted on his own, trying to save Ina when others thought it'd be faster to break him. Things like that.
[ . . . ]
I guess I shouldn't have expected you to be able to follow the mission like a sword - when even we falter.
[...it'd be nice if he could be more like a sword.
it's not the first time itsuki's had the thought, but he's never really seriously ruminated on it. he doesn't have to be a sword to fight well, or to be someone buzen can reliably depend on, or be trusted to take care of himself. those aren't limited to swords.
he just feels it more now, especially after this mission.]
...I'm sorry. [he barely keeps himself from saying 'you're more important to me than the mission is', because itsuki knows it'll just hurt buzen to hear it. it won't fix anything, and it might make things worse,
even if it's the truth]
I know that regretting it now won't change anything. But I do regret it. I wish Hyuuga-kun and you didn't get hurt. It shouldn't have been him or you.
[if anything, he should have reaped the consequences of his own choices.]
[because he can hear it - the way that itsuki almost implies 'it should have been me'. but that's the thing, swords are fairly good at these situations. getting hurt is common, but injuries of that extent - to become a shield rather than a weapon - are less so. but he doesn't linger on that, not really.
he shakes his head quietly and then turns his head so that he can press his lips against itsuki's forehead. it's a firm, and certain kiss, like trying to leave the imprint of his affection against his skin.]
... I'm going forgive you, very soon. [he hasn't. not entirely. not yet. probably when hyuuga wakes up. when buzen will be able to see that none of this was permanent. not for them. and he gives a reminder - ] I don't love you any less.
[important, in case itsuki is worried that the anger could eat away at any of that.]
... I'm always going to come back to you. So please trust me a little more, and trust the others that they won't lead you away from me either.
[ . . . ]
I expected them to move you from that site - it was too close to the battlefield for everyone. I expected you to go with them, and I'd have found you somewhere else away from the fighting.
If we're going to do this again - [if itsuki is going to come on missions] - I need you to follow directions, so it's easier for me to come back to you.
[itsuki presses his hand against buzen's arm, idly tracing the place where ishida mitsunari's blade bit into his flesh. there's not even a hint of a scar, but itsuki imprints it on his mind anyway. every hurt he's responsible for, even if he hadn't wielded the blade himself.
buzen might not hold it against him, but itsuki's always been good at blaming himself. buzen doesn't love him any less, but itsuki can hate himself for it in his stead. buzen kisses him on the forehead out of love, but itsuki grabs hold of him anyway, fumbling for an excuse. that he was shaken by the fighting, by the way the mission was going, and if those things hadn't happened, then he'd have never disobeyed --
he's silent for a long moment instead. can they do this again? should he go on a mission? he wanted to go because the waiting felt terrible, because he thought anything would be better than not seeing buzen, but
going on a mission and losing buzen might actually be worse,]
...Sorry. [he finally says,] -- sorry, I just need a moment.
[to breathe, if this was a dream then he'd be below the surface by now, drowning. he moves closer to buzen instead, circling his arms around him,]
[as itsuki grabs onto him and moves closer, buzen's response to that is automatic. he shifts, disturbing the water around them and deciding that's perfectly fine, so that he can welcome itsuki closer into his arms. he guides itsuki right onto his lap, as close as he can be, so that buzen's arms can encircle around him entirely instead and his head can bow in to be closer to itsuki's.
softly - ]
You don't need to say sorry anymore, and not for this. It's okay.
[itsuki can say sorry for what he did - for the choices that he made - but not for needing buzen, or wanting to look for comfort.]
[he's close enough that he can feel buzen's heartbeat on his skin, warm and steady. itsuki avoids thinking about the possibility of losing that, instead he focuses on the rhythm -- matches his breathing to it, until he finds some semblance of calm again.
so that he can make a decision.]
...I want to go with you.
[quietly, and he inches his chin forward so that his voice isn't muffled against buzen's shoulder,]
I'll trust you more, and I'll follow directions.
[...]
But... please don't prioritize me if you're the one who's hurt. And -- don't ask me to leave you behind.
[ . . . hmmm. buzen can agree to most of this. but he grows a little quiet at the final point - even though he understands the sentiment behind it. they don't leave comrades behind.
it is so important to bring everyone home.
even his time with kiyomitsu and yasusada proved that to him.]
... sometimes I'll need you to go ahead.
[he presses a soft kiss to itsuki's cheek then. not 'leave me behind' but 'go first' - is that enough of a distinction?]
I can't be at my best if I'm worried you're not safe - but as long as you're close to me, I'll want to check that you're safe.
Can I ask you to go ahead sometimes, just until I can make it back to you?
just the fact that buzen makes that distinction shows that he wants to fulfill itsuki's (needy) need, and a part of itsuki appreciates that]
As long as you ask.
[...]
Don't leave me without saying it. ...I know you'll come back, but... I want to remember those words until you do.
[it's just his selfishness. to want more than a text. even while knowing that it wasn't buzen's fault itsuki was sleeping during that night. knowing that it's not buzen's fault if buzen chooses to leave for the sake of someone else he cares for.]
Okay. Then I'll promise - so that I'll ask in the future, and remember to say it so that you have something to hold onto until I make it back to you. And I'll always make it back to you.
[if that's what itsuki needs - to have it said so clearly, in a way that buzen understands and can also agree to - then he will answer it as much as he can. he presses more kisses to itsuki's face then, against his cheek, along his jaw, by the corners of his eyes.]
Is there anything else you'd need from me?
So that we can do everything we can to keep each other safe in the future?
[buzen always kisses him but it feels a little different in this moment, to be kissed so sweetly by buzen when just earlier he'd been so angry... itsuki eagerly leans into every kiss, catching buzen's chin after the last one so he can give him a kiss of his own, deep and grateful --]
...You've already given me everything.
[that he can give. as for the rest, it's not within buzen's power to give. the guarantee that danger will never come again, that missions will only ever succeed. itsuki can want those and still acknowledge the impossibility]
I'll do my best too. To keep myself safe, and to become someone who can do that.
[buzen will lean into the kiss and - for him too, there is a little bit of relief that comes with it. some tension leaves his shoulders, as he gets to kiss itsuki when it feels like the last time that he did was before the mission went sour in the first place.
it just didn't feel safe to, until now.]
... mm. As long as you're safe, I'll breathe a little easier.
[but if itsuki wants to come with him, then they have to manage both somehow. to be together, and how to overcome danger at the same time.]
.... I know this is probably not the life you ever expected to have. [to go on missions to other times, to be stuck in dangerous situations where time itself doesn't flow normally.] So I want to give you what I can.
[itsuki smiles at that, not because he thinks the sentiment is funny or silly, but because thinking about a life without buzen... it's strange, amusing in how impossible it seems.]
...It's true that it's not what I expected. But it still would have been dangerous -- having to obey whatever country owns me. Or maybe I would have refused, and lived my life while on the run.
I would have been alone either way.
[falling in love in either of those situations? he would never have had the courage to. he doesn't think anyone else would have fallen in love with him either,]
...But you've never made me feel alone. So I'd rather face danger and have this life with you than any other.
[ . . . hmm. buzen thinks about it, and supposes that's true - at least he's never felt alone here. not when the other gous have been here all this time, and he's gotten to go on missions with other treasures comrades.
it would be worse, to be safe and alone, he thinks.]
... if you're sure.
[softly. he leans in again, a little tentative, as he presses their lips together in another kiss.]
[ - itsuki asks the question when he feels like the knows the answer, and buzen delivers it without so much as a moment of hesitation. he sighs a little bit after the kiss, relieved even as his arms encourage itsuki closer as if they aren't already impossibly close.]
buzen just makes a soft, affirming noise before he leans in to let his face nestle into the crook of itsuki's neck. he presses a kiss there while he's at it.]
... then we'll just figure out the rest - to stay together for as long as we can.
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no subject
...No. I can't even imagine it.
[...]
...Maybe if I had a little more time -- or no... Maybe they would never have worked on people like Ishida Mitsunari.
[it takes a certain kind of person to believe in what their dreams bring them,]
no subject
... I think if you had a little more time, maybe. Or if we could've framed it a different way.... I think that you can do anything that you put your mind to.
[because itsuki is amazing.]
... but it's almost impossible when. you're dealt a bad hand like we were. Those loyalties never should've been made in the first place. Since we jumped in so late... [he just sighs, shaking his head.]
I think in missions... we all share some of the pain when things go wrong. That's what bonds us. But... I also don't want you to carry guilt that isn't yours. Not when we couldn't have asked anything else of you.
no subject
itsuki glances away for a moment, but he doesn't move away from buzen's hand.]
...I couldn't even do what was asked of me.
[buzen believes he can do anything, but he really couldn't do a single thing. ...he can't tell if he's sorry that he couldn't do it, or he's sorry that he had to be asked,]
Even if the mission itself wasn't my fault -- what happened... [he sighs too, softer] I'm still responsible.
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hyuuga is still unconscious from blood loss. buzen nearly passed out himself from the same thing. swords are always meant to take injuries before humans - but this feels preventable.
he would've done the same thing every time, to keep itsuki from getting hurt.
but why did it come to that?]
... what happened - while I was gone?
no subject
[...did he think buzen wouldn't? buzen who trusts itsuki, and itsuki who apparently can't manage to do the same.]
Then the soldiers saw us and I ran with Hyuuga-kun. But then I heard one of them mention you, and I saw the archers getting ready. So I attacked them instead.
no subject
there's a slight tension in his body at that, and he lets his gaze drift over to the rising steam. the coils of warmth turn visible against the evening air, and continue to drift upward toward the darkness of the night. he counts some stars as he gathers his thoughts.]
... I've heard of it before.
Swords not following the mission, because their hearts led them somewhere else. It happened at Mt. Atsukashi. Even Kotegiri acted on his own, trying to save Ina when others thought it'd be faster to break him. Things like that.
[ . . . ]
I guess I shouldn't have expected you to be able to follow the mission like a sword - when even we falter.
no subject
it's not the first time itsuki's had the thought, but he's never really seriously ruminated on it. he doesn't have to be a sword to fight well, or to be someone buzen can reliably depend on, or be trusted to take care of himself. those aren't limited to swords.
he just feels it more now, especially after this mission.]
...I'm sorry. [he barely keeps himself from saying 'you're more important to me than the mission is', because itsuki knows it'll just hurt buzen to hear it. it won't fix anything, and it might make things worse,
even if it's the truth]
I know that regretting it now won't change anything. But I do regret it. I wish Hyuuga-kun and you didn't get hurt. It shouldn't have been him or you.
[if anything, he should have reaped the consequences of his own choices.]
no subject
It shouldn't have been anyone.
[because he can hear it - the way that itsuki almost implies 'it should have been me'. but that's the thing, swords are fairly good at these situations. getting hurt is common, but injuries of that extent - to become a shield rather than a weapon - are less so. but he doesn't linger on that, not really.
he shakes his head quietly and then turns his head so that he can press his lips against itsuki's forehead. it's a firm, and certain kiss, like trying to leave the imprint of his affection against his skin.]
... I'm going forgive you, very soon. [he hasn't. not entirely. not yet. probably when hyuuga wakes up. when buzen will be able to see that none of this was permanent. not for them. and he gives a reminder - ] I don't love you any less.
[important, in case itsuki is worried that the anger could eat away at any of that.]
... I'm always going to come back to you. So please trust me a little more, and trust the others that they won't lead you away from me either.
[ . . . ]
I expected them to move you from that site - it was too close to the battlefield for everyone. I expected you to go with them, and I'd have found you somewhere else away from the fighting.
If we're going to do this again - [if itsuki is going to come on missions] - I need you to follow directions, so it's easier for me to come back to you.
no subject
buzen might not hold it against him, but itsuki's always been good at blaming himself. buzen doesn't love him any less, but itsuki can hate himself for it in his stead. buzen kisses him on the forehead out of love, but itsuki grabs hold of him anyway, fumbling for an excuse. that he was shaken by the fighting, by the way the mission was going, and if those things hadn't happened, then he'd have never disobeyed --
he's silent for a long moment instead. can they do this again? should he go on a mission? he wanted to go because the waiting felt terrible, because he thought anything would be better than not seeing buzen, but
going on a mission and losing buzen might actually be worse,]
...Sorry. [he finally says,] -- sorry, I just need a moment.
[to breathe, if this was a dream then he'd be below the surface by now, drowning. he moves closer to buzen instead, circling his arms around him,]
no subject
softly - ]
You don't need to say sorry anymore, and not for this. It's okay.
[itsuki can say sorry for what he did - for the choices that he made - but not for needing buzen, or wanting to look for comfort.]
I've got you. You can take as long as you need.
no subject
so that he can make a decision.]
...I want to go with you.
[quietly, and he inches his chin forward so that his voice isn't muffled against buzen's shoulder,]
I'll trust you more, and I'll follow directions.
[...]
But... please don't prioritize me if you're the one who's hurt. And -- don't ask me to leave you behind.
no subject
it is so important to bring everyone home.
even his time with kiyomitsu and yasusada proved that to him.]
... sometimes I'll need you to go ahead.
[he presses a soft kiss to itsuki's cheek then. not 'leave me behind' but 'go first' - is that enough of a distinction?]
I can't be at my best if I'm worried you're not safe - but as long as you're close to me, I'll want to check that you're safe.
Can I ask you to go ahead sometimes, just until I can make it back to you?
no subject
just the fact that buzen makes that distinction shows that he wants to fulfill itsuki's (needy) need, and a part of itsuki appreciates that]
As long as you ask.
[...]
Don't leave me without saying it. ...I know you'll come back, but... I want to remember those words until you do.
[it's just his selfishness. to want more than a text. even while knowing that it wasn't buzen's fault itsuki was sleeping during that night. knowing that it's not buzen's fault if buzen chooses to leave for the sake of someone else he cares for.]
no subject
[if that's what itsuki needs - to have it said so clearly, in a way that buzen understands and can also agree to - then he will answer it as much as he can. he presses more kisses to itsuki's face then, against his cheek, along his jaw, by the corners of his eyes.]
Is there anything else you'd need from me?
So that we can do everything we can to keep each other safe in the future?
no subject
...You've already given me everything.
[that he can give. as for the rest, it's not within buzen's power to give. the guarantee that danger will never come again, that missions will only ever succeed. itsuki can want those and still acknowledge the impossibility]
I'll do my best too. To keep myself safe, and to become someone who can do that.
no subject
it just didn't feel safe to, until now.]
... mm. As long as you're safe, I'll breathe a little easier.
[but if itsuki wants to come with him, then they have to manage both somehow. to be together, and how to overcome danger at the same time.]
.... I know this is probably not the life you ever expected to have. [to go on missions to other times, to be stuck in dangerous situations where time itself doesn't flow normally.] So I want to give you what I can.
no subject
...It's true that it's not what I expected. But it still would have been dangerous -- having to obey whatever country owns me. Or maybe I would have refused, and lived my life while on the run.
I would have been alone either way.
[falling in love in either of those situations? he would never have had the courage to. he doesn't think anyone else would have fallen in love with him either,]
...But you've never made me feel alone. So I'd rather face danger and have this life with you than any other.
no subject
it would be worse, to be safe and alone, he thinks.]
... if you're sure.
[softly. he leans in again, a little tentative, as he presses their lips together in another kiss.]
I don't want to be something you regret.
no subject
he only moves away so he can ask him a question that he thinks he knows the answer to,]
...What about you? Do you think you'll ever regret meeting me?
no subject
[ - itsuki asks the question when he feels like the knows the answer, and buzen delivers it without so much as a moment of hesitation. he sighs a little bit after the kiss, relieved even as his arms encourage itsuki closer as if they aren't already impossibly close.]
How could I?
When you're the reason I know what love is.
no subject
...It's the same for me.
I'll never regret knowing you or choosing you -- or loving you.
[if there ever comes a time when itsuki loses him -- then he'll only regret the losing,]
no subject
buzen just makes a soft, affirming noise before he leans in to let his face nestle into the crook of itsuki's neck. he presses a kiss there while he's at it.]
... then we'll just figure out the rest - to stay together for as long as we can.
no subject
[figure it out and stay together...
itsuki tilts his head, enjoying the kiss... then he turns his head so he can kiss the back of buzen's ear softly, without teeth. no biting,,]
I'll help you wash. The faster you get ready, the faster you can get something to eat...
[he's loath to move but... he gets the soap and comes right back, cupping buzen's face with a hand]
...And the faster you can see Hyuuga-kun.
no subject
Isn't this what I offered to help you with...
Mm, okay. Do you want to come with me...?
no subject
...Yeah. I want to stay with him until he wakes up.
[so he can properly apologize to him ... and maybe he can make sure hyuuga's dreams are nice and calm too]
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