[If this was any other dream, then Itsuki would feel guilty at, yet again, causing Buzen distress. A part of him does, but it's overcome by the sheer relief on upon seeing him again -- even amongst fire and smoke.
Buzen with his eyes wide open, moving quickly, speaking his name -- Itsuki steps forward, heedless of the jacket over his head and the smoke in his eyes, and moves to wrap his arms around him.]
Buzen...
[the pressure he's exerting is tighter than usual, desperate in a way that Itsuki always is when he sees Buzen return from danger, but the expression on his face is -- peaceful, calm.]
[it's not that buzen doesn't rely on itsuki. on the contrary, he believes in itsuki more than anyone - but the ways that he relies on itsuki are different. for keeping him grounded, for helping him understand the tumbles of his own heart, and for giving him a home to return to.
the confidence of itsuki looking after him in a dangerous situation isn't exactly what he's used to relying on him for. there's a slight furrow in his brow - but he doesn't linger on it, doesn't have time to. there's a sudden crack overhead, a beam breaking after being eaten by flames, and he throws himself back, keeping itsuki in his arms. out of the way of danger - sort of.]
- then you can look after me, and I'll look after you. We still have to keep moving...
no, buzen's right. if itsuki has to be in a dream... then he'd rather it be a nice one, with the sword he loves. he moves along easily enough at the yank, but he brings his hands up again to cradle the sides of buzen's face]
I said so, didn't I? ...When it comes to dreams, I'm confident that I can protect you.
[he leans in, pressing his forehead against his. the smoke, thick as it is, lessening -- somehow? the dark paling to a gray, then dissipating]
You're not there any more, Buzen. You came home, remember? [...] Come back to me.
ah, right. buzen pauses at that and - while he's still tense, it slowly starts to melt away with the understanding. the smoke thins out and itsuki is in front of him, certain and assured. he breathes out a moment later, slow and measured as he keeps his gaze locked with his lover's.
right.
this is already over.]
... oh yeah.
[the fires slowly get put out, leaving them in the slightly crispy hallway, but buzen shakes his head a little like that'll help clear it.]
So - someone picked me up? [from the rubble. he wasn't left behind?] And - the mission went okay...?
[Itsuki's gaze in return is loving, and soft -- and intent? He's always focused when he looks at Buzen, but it's sharp this time, and maybe a little heavy.
the questions rouse him out of it a little, his brow furrowing]
The mission was -- [fine? a success? he thinks of blood, of buzen's body, of the tense expressions on kuwa and the other gou faces,] ...We achieved our goal, and we all came back.
Otegine-san went back to get you, and we carried you back home.
Ah, that's nice of him. I'll definitely have to give him my thanks.
[easily? buzen seems to settle then, relaxing considerably. the scenery around them slowly but surely gets patched up with conscious effort - the wood heals over and gets replaced, as though the passage of time is aiding in reconstruction.
whatever distress or frustration he wore moments ago disappears, now that he knows they're in a dream. he can imagine he didn't look great when he was found but it seems like...]
So I didn't break?
[though
it's admittedly really not the first question he had, which is a problem all its own]
[the good thing about this being buzen's dream is that itsuki can't subconsciously influence it, it can't react to his emotions or feelings -- like the feelings he's experiencing now, looking at buzen and hearing him ask his questions (like he's surprised that someone picked up, like he's curious over what happened without a trace of concern.)
something churns in his gut, even as his voice remains level,]
...Would you be here if you had?
[it's a sincere question, because he wants to know too, about how swords work. if the breaking really is the be all, end all. if there's really no chance of coming back after,]
[ . . . well. he seems to be thinking about it, tilting his head response.
would he still be here?]
... probably not? [he's not sure, but if he were to take a guess...] I think when swords break, it's like when humans die. We don't really know where our spirits go, but they can't be reached anymore.
[he knows, at least, that this type of discussion bothers itsuki. any talk of buzen going first. again.
he cups his cheek and lets his thumb brush over his face]
[Itsuki leans instinctively into Buzen's touch, lingering on the warmth he can feel from him. That warmth has saved Itsuki so many times... It's kept him grounded and safe.... but now?
It just reminds him of everything he could have lost, and still could. He turns his head and presses his mouth to Buzen's palm, quiet.
the reality of that starts to settle in - buzen knew, from the moment that he lost consciousness. it was a little terribly familiar, for someone who had already died once. but this time wicked and marie weren't there to hold his hand - and this time, he nearly died for the sake of the mission.
it's what he was forged for. it was nearly fulfilling his purpose.
but he knows that would only upset itsuki to hear. his free hand goes to rest at itsuki's waist, guiding him closer - if he'll let buzen hold him.]
... 'forever' isn't really something either of us can have so easily, Suki.
[even if buzen expects to live a long time, he knows itsuki won't. even if he can hope that he'll always exist in some form, and find a way to come back... that's not the same thing as having eternity uninterrupted]
[he moves neatly into buzen's embrace, pressing his chin onto his shoulder. for the warmth, for the comfort. to somehow erase the memory of the weakness of buzen's grip, of his blood. (it'd been like this after itsuki had killed his first man too. blood, and then an overwhelming amount of touch to make up for it.) and to hide his expression too, as he searches for the words.]
[he reiterates, voice growing more confident as he thinks upon this idea that he's only ever entertained in those very brief moments when struck with jealousy or when waiting in the repairs room. But he has thought this before, and often enough that he remembers it all clearly.]
[he's pretty sure that he knows that - it's why he's confident enough to say that in the first place, right? this is itsuki's domain, where things can be shaped to what he wants.]
so he changes it, shifts the smoke-stained walls of honnouji and turns it into fields of grass, an open sky. the type of place where he knows buzen would love to run in.]
My power's not good for much, or for anything. But I can give us this. I've done it before.
[ . . . hmmm. buzen watches the scenery shift, and frowns faintly even as the landscape changes. it's true. he loves how this looks, and he always admires how itsuki has such a mastery over dreams.
but.
he looks back to him again and shakes his head.]
I love sharing my dreams with you, Suki. I love spending time with you, and I'll always want more of it. I love your power too, and what comforts you can bring to people.
But I don't want to be here forever, even if we can be.
It's so rare to hear Buzen say what he wants. Buzen, who's always focused on the wants of others, including Itsuki's. Would it be a lie to say that not a single part of him wants Buzen to prioritize Itsuki's wants now? Yeah, it would be. And yet.
Itsuki pauses, working through his wants and desires and trying to set them aside. He feels like they could devour him. ...But he feels the same way with Buzen too, like he could devour him whole.]
[and of course it figures that the only time buzen can express his wants is based on the fact that other people need him. he can't be here in this dream forever, because it means that other people besides itsuki won't get to see him. and even if being a gou means knowing what it's like to always be waiting, that doesn't mean he wants to create that same distance if he has any say in the matter.]
Aruji isn't here. Kiyo-san or Yasu-san. There's no way for me to reach Ro either. [and even if itsuki always comes first, buzen does have a duty to his master. his comrades.]
buzen barely ever uses itsuki's full name - only in moments of deep romance and, apparently when he feels like he has to get his attention in a more serious way.]
If you force our Gous or my master into something they don't want, I'm going to get mad.
he tightens his hold instinctively, already responding to the fact that buzen full-named him in a very firm way,]
They won't know that it's a dream. It'll feel real to them. [itsuki says, knowing that's not the problem, and yet compelled to say it anyway. as if buzen could say yes,
as if itsuki could really do it -- trap buzen here.
maybe he could. that ugly, cold part of himself could. the same part that left kazuha, the same part that always wants and wants and wants,]
Just like how it feels real right now. They could have anything. I'll give it to them -- I'm good at that.
[he really could, too. false promises are what itsuki's best at,]
[ . . . he feels like he understands why itsuki is acting like this - being so close to buzen breaking against must've been hard on him, too. it worries him, and he wants to comfort him.
but.
he also feels like he has to be very clear about this.]
No.
[it's a word that feels strange - when it's in response to what itsuki clearly wants. itsuki clings onto him a little tighter - and buzen's response is to pull back. he takes itsuki's hands in his own, firmly, but pulls away so that he can see him clearly and directly. he won't let go of him, but he won't let itsuki say whatever he wants and hide.]
There are people that need us, or the Revisionists win. We have our mission to fulfill, and you can't give us that. That's what we're forged for, and we have to complete it. There are things we have to face, Suki.
[ . . . ]
I know you're scared. We can talk about that. But you can't try to solve it like this, or I'll have to be angry at you. I don't want that either.
But this is fine too, Itsuki thinks. The pressure of Buzen's hands around his own... It could very easily be the opposite. Buzen letting him go, as opposed to holding on. Wouldn't anyone else have already?
He looks at Buzen, his own expression finally visible. He's smiling, but the look in his eyes is conflicted. Maybe this isn't only Buzen's dream after all. The edges of it darken, like spilled ink blotting the edge of a canvas. An echo of the turmoil of Itsuki's thoughts, even as he tries to maintain his already thin veneer of calm.
(Ah. He wants to keep him. He wants to have him.)
But the world needs Buzen, too.
(The world will keep needing Buzen until he has nothing else to give. It's not fair. Buzen, who'd willingly give himself away regardless. It's not... ...Even though Itsuki loves that part about Buzen too. Even though he loves how Buzen says 'no' to him, even though he loves how Buzen isn't willing to accept what every other dreamer has before.)
He opens his mouth anyway, the words falling out before he can rein them in.]
[ - because he thinks he can see it now, in the cracks of what itsuki's saying. the sincerity of his feelings, motivated by wanting buzen to be safe. it's sweet and determined, especially over something that buzen is so willing to give up at any moment.
itsuki has always cared about keeping buzen safe more than buzen ever has - but he thinks that's another way to show that you love someone, isn't it?
he squeezes itsuki's hands, firm and grounding.]
I want us to have the up's and down's of what happens in the world outside of dreams - I want us to exist in the waking world. I'll be with you there, too. And if something happens to me, I'll try to find you again.
I can't exist only in a dream, Suki... You're the one who made me want to be real - let's not throw that away now.
What can he possibly say to that? What can he possibly say when he was the one who told Buzen that he'd be happy if Buzen wanted more things, that he'd learn to be a little less jealous every time.
He's not sure if he's achieved that. He still feels a longing for that imperfect solution, to keep Buzen with him always, and to leave a world where they'll eventually lose each other behind.
But if it's the world Buzen wants to live in, then... If it's the world where Buzen's real, then... Itsuki stops smiling, lets the misery show in his expression. Love can really be this painful, even now, he's surprised by it.]
I would have made it perfect -- just for you. [but it's not what buzen wants, and maybe it's not even what itsuki wants.
he brings buzen's hands up, presses his mouth to his knuckles.]
...Close your eyes.
[It's time to wake up. Though it's a sign too -- that Buzen will need to trust him to do just that.]
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Buzen with his eyes wide open, moving quickly, speaking his name -- Itsuki steps forward, heedless of the jacket over his head and the smoke in his eyes, and moves to wrap his arms around him.]
Buzen...
[the pressure he's exerting is tighter than usual, desperate in a way that Itsuki always is when he sees Buzen return from danger, but the expression on his face is -- peaceful, calm.]
It's okay. I won't let anything happen to you.
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[it's not that buzen doesn't rely on itsuki. on the contrary, he believes in itsuki more than anyone - but the ways that he relies on itsuki are different. for keeping him grounded, for helping him understand the tumbles of his own heart, and for giving him a home to return to.
the confidence of itsuki looking after him in a dangerous situation isn't exactly what he's used to relying on him for. there's a slight furrow in his brow - but he doesn't linger on it, doesn't have time to. there's a sudden crack overhead, a beam breaking after being eaten by flames, and he throws himself back, keeping itsuki in his arms. out of the way of danger - sort of.]
- then you can look after me, and I'll look after you. We still have to keep moving...
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no, buzen's right. if itsuki has to be in a dream... then he'd rather it be a nice one, with the sword he loves. he moves along easily enough at the yank, but he brings his hands up again to cradle the sides of buzen's face]
I said so, didn't I? ...When it comes to dreams, I'm confident that I can protect you.
[he leans in, pressing his forehead against his. the smoke, thick as it is, lessening -- somehow? the dark paling to a gray, then dissipating]
You're not there any more, Buzen. You came home, remember? [...] Come back to me.
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ah, right. buzen pauses at that and - while he's still tense, it slowly starts to melt away with the understanding. the smoke thins out and itsuki is in front of him, certain and assured. he breathes out a moment later, slow and measured as he keeps his gaze locked with his lover's.
right.
this is already over.]
... oh yeah.
[the fires slowly get put out, leaving them in the slightly crispy hallway, but buzen shakes his head a little like that'll help clear it.]
So - someone picked me up? [from the rubble. he wasn't left behind?] And - the mission went okay...?
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the questions rouse him out of it a little, his brow furrowing]
The mission was -- [fine? a success? he thinks of blood, of buzen's body, of the tense expressions on kuwa and the other gou faces,] ...We achieved our goal, and we all came back.
Otegine-san went back to get you, and we carried you back home.
[of course they picked him up?]
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[easily? buzen seems to settle then, relaxing considerably. the scenery around them slowly but surely gets patched up with conscious effort - the wood heals over and gets replaced, as though the passage of time is aiding in reconstruction.
whatever distress or frustration he wore moments ago disappears, now that he knows they're in a dream. he can imagine he didn't look great when he was found but it seems like...]
So I didn't break?
[though
it's admittedly really not the first question he had, which is a problem all its own]
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something churns in his gut, even as his voice remains level,]
...Would you be here if you had?
[it's a sincere question, because he wants to know too, about how swords work. if the breaking really is the be all, end all. if there's really no chance of coming back after,]
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would he still be here?]
... probably not? [he's not sure, but if he were to take a guess...] I think when swords break, it's like when humans die. We don't really know where our spirits go, but they can't be reached anymore.
[he knows, at least, that this type of discussion bothers itsuki. any talk of buzen going first. again.
he cups his cheek and lets his thumb brush over his face]
I'm okay.
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It just reminds him of everything he could have lost, and still could. He turns his head and presses his mouth to Buzen's palm, quiet.
...]
I wish I could keep you with me forever.
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the reality of that starts to settle in - buzen knew, from the moment that he lost consciousness. it was a little terribly familiar, for someone who had already died once. but this time wicked and marie weren't there to hold his hand - and this time, he nearly died for the sake of the mission.
it's what he was forged for. it was nearly fulfilling his purpose.
but he knows that would only upset itsuki to hear. his free hand goes to rest at itsuki's waist, guiding him closer - if he'll let buzen hold him.]
... 'forever' isn't really something either of us can have so easily, Suki.
[even if buzen expects to live a long time, he knows itsuki won't. even if he can hope that he'll always exist in some form, and find a way to come back... that's not the same thing as having eternity uninterrupted]
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...What if it could be?
['easy']
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What do you mean?
[how could something so out of reach be easy?]
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[he reiterates, voice growing more confident as he thinks upon this idea that he's only ever entertained in those very brief moments when struck with jealousy or when waiting in the repairs room. But he has thought this before, and often enough that he remembers it all clearly.]
If it's here, then it's possible.
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This is a dream, Suki.
[he's pretty sure that he knows that - it's why he's confident enough to say that in the first place, right? this is itsuki's domain, where things can be shaped to what he wants.]
I can't sleep forever.
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...You know, you'd be surprised.
[...he doesn't like where they are.
so he changes it, shifts the smoke-stained walls of honnouji and turns it into fields of grass, an open sky. the type of place where he knows buzen would love to run in.]
My power's not good for much, or for anything. But I can give us this. I've done it before.
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but.
he looks back to him again and shakes his head.]
I love sharing my dreams with you, Suki. I love spending time with you, and I'll always want more of it. I love your power too, and what comforts you can bring to people.
But I don't want to be here forever, even if we can be.
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It's so rare to hear Buzen say what he wants. Buzen, who's always focused on the wants of others, including Itsuki's. Would it be a lie to say that not a single part of him wants Buzen to prioritize Itsuki's wants now? Yeah, it would be. And yet.
Itsuki pauses, working through his wants and desires and trying to set them aside. He feels like they could devour him. ...But he feels the same way with Buzen too, like he could devour him whole.]
...Why?
[could it really be so bad?]
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[and of course it figures that the only time buzen can express his wants is based on the fact that other people need him. he can't be here in this dream forever, because it means that other people besides itsuki won't get to see him. and even if being a gou means knowing what it's like to always be waiting, that doesn't mean he wants to create that same distance if he has any say in the matter.]
Aruji isn't here. Kiyo-san or Yasu-san. There's no way for me to reach Ro either. [and even if itsuki always comes first, buzen does have a duty to his master. his comrades.]
So I have to wake up.
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Itsuki's eyes soften a little, even if his thoughts are wry. even though his face is still on Buzen's shoulder, expression hidden.]
I can bring them to you. Ana-chan might be a little difficult since she's in her own world, but... I can try.
If we're all here, then no one has to wake up.
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[firmly, almost warning.
buzen barely ever uses itsuki's full name - only in moments of deep romance and, apparently when he feels like he has to get his attention in a more serious way.]
If you force our Gous or my master into something they don't want, I'm going to get mad.
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he tightens his hold instinctively, already responding to the fact that buzen full-named him in a very firm way,]
They won't know that it's a dream. It'll feel real to them. [itsuki says, knowing that's not the problem, and yet compelled to say it anyway. as if buzen could say yes,
as if itsuki could really do it -- trap buzen here.
maybe he could. that ugly, cold part of himself could. the same part that left kazuha, the same part that always wants and wants and wants,]
Just like how it feels real right now. They could have anything. I'll give it to them -- I'm good at that.
[he really could, too. false promises are what itsuki's best at,]
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but.
he also feels like he has to be very clear about this.]
No.
[it's a word that feels strange - when it's in response to what itsuki clearly wants. itsuki clings onto him a little tighter - and buzen's response is to pull back. he takes itsuki's hands in his own, firmly, but pulls away so that he can see him clearly and directly. he won't let go of him, but he won't let itsuki say whatever he wants and hide.]
There are people that need us, or the Revisionists win. We have our mission to fulfill, and you can't give us that. That's what we're forged for, and we have to complete it. There are things we have to face, Suki.
[ . . . ]
I know you're scared. We can talk about that. But you can't try to solve it like this, or I'll have to be angry at you. I don't want that either.
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But this is fine too, Itsuki thinks. The pressure of Buzen's hands around his own... It could very easily be the opposite. Buzen letting him go, as opposed to holding on. Wouldn't anyone else have already?
He looks at Buzen, his own expression finally visible. He's smiling, but the look in his eyes is conflicted. Maybe this isn't only Buzen's dream after all. The edges of it darken, like spilled ink blotting the edge of a canvas. An echo of the turmoil of Itsuki's thoughts, even as he tries to maintain his already thin veneer of calm.
(Ah. He wants to keep him. He wants to have him.)
But the world needs Buzen, too.
(The world will keep needing Buzen until he has nothing else to give. It's not fair. Buzen, who'd willingly give himself away regardless. It's not... ...Even though Itsuki loves that part about Buzen too. Even though he loves how Buzen says 'no' to him, even though he loves how Buzen isn't willing to accept what every other dreamer has before.)
He opens his mouth anyway, the words falling out before he can rein them in.]
...Even if you get angry, you'll still be here.
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[ - because he thinks he can see it now, in the cracks of what itsuki's saying. the sincerity of his feelings, motivated by wanting buzen to be safe. it's sweet and determined, especially over something that buzen is so willing to give up at any moment.
itsuki has always cared about keeping buzen safe more than buzen ever has - but he thinks that's another way to show that you love someone, isn't it?
he squeezes itsuki's hands, firm and grounding.]
I want us to have the up's and down's of what happens in the world outside of dreams - I want us to exist in the waking world. I'll be with you there, too. And if something happens to me, I'll try to find you again.
I can't exist only in a dream, Suki... You're the one who made me want to be real - let's not throw that away now.
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[...
What can he possibly say to that? What can he possibly say when he was the one who told Buzen that he'd be happy if Buzen wanted more things, that he'd learn to be a little less jealous every time.
He's not sure if he's achieved that. He still feels a longing for that imperfect solution, to keep Buzen with him always, and to leave a world where they'll eventually lose each other behind.
But if it's the world Buzen wants to live in, then... If it's the world where Buzen's real, then... Itsuki stops smiling, lets the misery show in his expression. Love can really be this painful, even now, he's surprised by it.]
I would have made it perfect -- just for you. [but it's not what buzen wants, and maybe it's not even what itsuki wants.
he brings buzen's hands up, presses his mouth to his knuckles.]
...Close your eyes.
[It's time to wake up. Though it's a sign too -- that Buzen will need to trust him to do just that.]
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