itsuki's heard many lullabies, thanks to the nature of his job, but this one stands out. it's not about a child or romance, or missing a loved one. this one is soft enough to lull him to sleep. there's something in buzen's voice -- as steady as it is -- that makes him feel pensive. his eyes blink closed at the touch of his thumb, then blink back open, soft]
[ahah. this isn't really how he wanted to bring itsuki but... well, it's alright. they can go see the actual sea when it's beautiful and calm. buzen will lean in to briefly press a kiss to itsuki's temple.]
... let's go to sleep. I'll see you soon.
[humming under his breath - ] Ororon, ororon, ororonbai.
[by the sea... itsuki murmurs a soft 'good night' before he closes his eyes, the cadence of buzen's voice carrying him off to sleep,
ororon, ororon, ororonbai...
he never knows how long it takes, that interval between falling asleep and appearing in a dream, but he waits patiently nonetheless in his dreamscape, made small after he released all the other dreamers.
there's only one dreamer he's interested in now, and he senses the change -- the slight give in the boundary that tells him that buzen's asleep too. he puts his hand out, lets the imaginary door swing open, and steps on through.
sometimes, the dream is already there for him to see. other times, he needs to prod it into existence with the help of the dreamer. he's not sure which one this one will be.
it depends on whether or not buzen will remember that it's a dream, or if he'll be caught by the memory... either way, Itsuki makes no attempt to hide. let his presence remind buzen that it's only a dream -- and not a nightmare,]
[If so, I wonder where He was at night? In your dreams, you can meet Him.
the lyrics settle in buzen's memory - and with them, the rest of the scenery sweeps in like the ocean tide. the dream is already churning when itsuki is there. a castle by the sea. people dressed in white. the scent of the ocean spray and - blood. though at least for now, it is only old, dry blood that stains the castle's walls and floors. a battle happened here.
and a battle will be happening here.
some of the people dressed in white are on their knees, praying. others are scrambling for weapons, for ways to defend themselves. already some begin to cry and plead - women and children included because this war does not discriminate. their faces are already gaunt, a little hollow from the lack of food.
there is only one thing that will tide them over now. their murmurs of 'paraiso' - their paradise.
the resounding echo of a war horn cuts through everything and only then will itsuki be able to find buzen if he looks over the castle precipice - that familiar uniform of green alongside another. matsui at his side, eyes wide and terrified. buzen's own expression fixed only on him, then forward. he doesn't quite catch sight of itsuki just yet - he has only the mission.
and as the siege begins, those Christians and peasants in white painting the castle again with a fresh coat of blood, it becomes increasingly clear: the mission is a slaughter.]
[Itsuki has seen death before. At both his hands and others'. Some of them violent, but most of them peaceful. Kazuha slipping away, his dreamers finally succumbing, clients with knives in their bellies, men dying in his embrace... But each death was separate from the other.
He's never seen so many happen all at once.
...There's so many people. Is this what war is?]
...! Buzen...
[it's not hard to pick out Buzen and Matsui from the sea of white and red below. Itsuki looks over the precipice, and then casts a look around for a way to -- what, get down? Approach him? He asked Buzen to show him, without realizing the effect it would really have. He'd thought that he knew everything -- that he'd seen it all.
He made Buzen relive this nightmare.
...The least he can do is not let him suffer alone.
And so, Itsuki does the one thing that Buzen would never want him to do if this was an actual, real mission. He pushes the dream, pulling at it until he's slipping through the crowd of those slaughtering and being slaughtered, running past them so he can get closer to Buzen,]
[the mission is to kill every single person, because that's history.
the members of the shogun cut down peasant after peasant, identifying them through the white of their clothes and the lack of armor. buzen does the same. he cuts down human after human, and he thinks again about how he can't save anyone, because that's not what he's meant to do. maybe swords really are just tools meant for making mistakes.
he forgets that it's a dream, ruled only by his sense of duty. there isn't a single human that matches up against him - though they do separate him from matsui, and that makes him feel all the rigid. he has to find him. he has to -
Buzen!
the call of his name gets him to whirl around, and there is a moment where he seems well and truly struck when he sees itsuki. is this his penance? after he cuts down so many whose names and faces he never truly got to know, is he supposed to cut down the one person he always wanted to protect? is that the mission?
a member of the shogunate seems to have gotten the impression that itsuki is not one of them - not one of their ranks - and moves to cut him down. buzen is faster still, sliding in front of him and raising his left arm so that the soldier's spear only connects with the guard. the sound still rings in the air, but buzen barks as if he's the one giving orders now - ] Stand down!
[and the soldier goes, instead deciding there are more rebels still to kill.
but buzen will look back to itsuki, confused and haunted as he tries to make sense of this. of the memory of the mission and itsuki in a place where he certainly doesn't belong.]
[dreams are so strong. memories even stronger. and that single combination can keep someone trapped indefinitely, even after dawn breaks.
so it's not a surprise that Buzen's so ensnared -- everything is realistic in a dream. the sound of waves lapping against the shore, of blades striking flesh, of the screams and cries of both soldiers and peasants falling against castle stone and sand. this is all from buzen's memory, so not a single thing in it is false.
except for Itsuki, the one anomaly. usually, this is enough to snap the dreamer awake -- seeing itsuki should break the illusion, but it holds fast around them, which tells itsuki just how terrible a memory this is. this is a dream, and buzen is the dreamer.
he looks down at the pure white of his sleepwear, and it takes only a second for it turn a dark inky purple instead, shifting into a modern kimono. a soldier cuts someone down near him and he flinches, but the spray of blood that lashes onto him turns into petals instead -- soft and pink.
another anomaly, something else that doesn't quite fit in.
he can only hope that it works.]
...Buzen. You're not here anymore. You're in a dream.
[Itsuki drifts closer, pitches his voice louder over the sounds of fighting,]
[the shift of his clothes. the flowers. that's right - itsuki can do that because this is his domain. it's a dream, and buzen doesn't have to follow a dream's orders.
he gasps like he's coming up for air after being submerged, maybe after holding his breath in the hope that he wouldn't have to cut down the one person that he always wanted to protect. even now, he doesn't sheath his sword again. it remains in his hand, grip tight, even as his other immediately reaches out to pull itsuki closer to him. his hold is also firm, a little desperate.
it's a dream, but buzen's mind still reads it as a battlefield. sleeping or awake, he doesn't want to let any harm come to itsuki. he angles his body like it'll keep anyone from coming between them, from thinking that they need to take it upon themselves to kill itsuki in buzen's place. he won't allow it.
he keeps his gaze past itsuki's shoulder, watching everyone else. it also makes it easier to hide his expression, as tense and distraught as it is.]
... sorry. I forgot. [that itsuki asked to be brought here. his breathing is still ragged, like he's trying to recover from the fear that engulfed him]
[Itsuki immediately wraps his arms around him, uncaring of the blood that's already on his clothes. Not because it's a dream, but because this is Buzen, and Itsuki will always run to him no matter where his, no matter what he's in the middle of doing.
Even when it's this.
he's not unaffected by the rest of it. he has to keep reminding himself that it's all a dream -- that the people dying around them aren't real. or that they were real once, but are no more. he wonders what it means that he could be surrounded by so many, so much pain and suffering, and still only have eyes for Buzen. He presses a hand against the side of his face, in an attempt to turn his gaze to him.]
...This isn't your fault.
[He presses a hand against the side of his face, in an attempt to turn his gaze to him.]
I'm the one who's sorry. ...I should have run to you right away.
[ - and already the word on his mouth sounds foreign, because buzen so rarely denies itsuki anything. but there's something firm even as he lets itsuki guide his face to look back at him and buzen meets his eyes for a moment - but only a moment. he glances away almost immediately, because even if it's not real... it feels like a battle.
lowering his guard for even a second could risk both of them.]
You shouldn't be here. [more certainly, more stubbornly] You should've gone to hide, and stayed out of the fighting until I came to get you. Running into the middle of all this - don't do that ever again. In a dream, or in reality.
[don't go charging after him so recklessly - not when buzen can't always promise that he can keep itsuki safe. when even now it feels like taking this moment is already pulling his heart in two different directions]
Buzen so rarely denies him anything. He rarely ever looks this afraid either -- no, Itsuki's never seen him this afraid before. The way he'd looked at Itsuki when he first approached him is an image burned in Itsuki's mind -- more prominent than the carnage he's seen.]
How can I die -- when you're right here beside me?
[Itsuki reaches out again, this time so he can curl a hand around the one gripping Buzen's sword, and at the same time, dimming the sound of the battle around them,]
The safest place I'll ever be is in your arms. ...I'll always believe that.
[even now, after seeing buzen kill someone begging for mercy, and dozens of others.
it's not the rational thing to think, or even sensible. but itsuki can't help it. he's never been one to think of sense anyway,]
[ - he is so tense. itsuki will feel that even worse in the hand that is holding onto his sword, grip tight like he's still ready to fight. it's only when the sound of the battle around them begins to dim that buzen lets himself disconnect from it ever so slightly.
itsuki can't die here, because he controls all of this. all the blood will turn to flowers, and he can't get hurt. buzen reminds himself of that as he meets itsuki's gaze but -
the words don't settle for him. not here. if anything they confuse and tear at him worse.]
... that can't be true during missions, Suki. I can't always hold you. Even right now - if this were Shimabara... and I stayed here with you, Matsu would be broken. I need to save him.
[itsuki can be selfish. buzen lets him, encourages him. he wants to give itsuki everything that he wants.
but even buzen has a limit.]
... don't make me choose between my mission or you -
Please.
[because buzen already knows how that would end - and that is a nightmare that he doesn't think he'd ever quite wake up from.]
[Itsuki can be so very selfish. Even now, with the sand stained scarlet from blood, and people dying all around him.
No one's pain matters more to him than Buzen's.
He moves, taking a step back.]
You don't have to.
[But the expression on his face is warm -- not unhappy or sad or resentful or jealous -- just warm with understanding. He reaches up to cup Buzen's face in both of his hands,]
I've already chosen you. What you want -- and what you have to do, I came here because I want to accept it.
[he wants to share in it, even if it's this. he can't take the guilt or fear away from buzen, that's not how dreams work. he can't manipulate what buzen would say or do, and he wouldn't want to anyway. itsuki has so much power in a dream, but so do his dreamers.]
...This is your dream too, Buzen. You have the power to change it. What I can do... you can too.
[he can stop it, he can keep going, but more importantly, he can save matsui in this one again, he can put itsuki somewhere safe, if that's what he wants.
dreams will always change according to one's heart.]
it never occurred to him before - because in truth, most of buzen's dreams are calm. but... the ones that aren't, they're always some variation of this. of shimabara, soaked in blood so vivid it feels like the ocean itself can't quite manage to wash it away.
he sighs out a breath as he leans into itsuki's touch and he - trusts him. he tries to let himself believe in this. he focuses, and the battlefield slows, slows.... until it comes to a pause. a moment to breathe, where buzen doesn't feel like he has to run or else matsui will already be gone.
but he can't bring himself to change it. because that would deviate history. even in a dream, it feels too close.]
.... I was worried about you being here - but I guess I didn't think about how I'd react to seeing you here.
[and the intensity of his emotions, lost and choppy as he tried to separate dream from memory]
I'm the one who pushed you to take me here. I didn't give you time to think about it.
[so itsuki can't exactly blame buzen, even if he had a single thought to. he looks around at the still landscape. if he squints, then could he make out matsui in the distance?]
And I broke one of my own rules. I shouldn't have just appeared out of nowhere -- I should have stayed hidden, like you said.
[he's never had a problem with hiding before. all the dreams he's seen while just a few steps away,]
...I guess I didn't think about how I'd react seeing you either.
[yea matsui is probably visible somewhere - sword not drawn, not just yet. always on the precipice of a breakdown, that one.
buzen frowns at that....]
... if you're still serious about wanting to go with me on missions, we need rules. And you're not allowed to break them. [because they'd be in place to protect not only itsuki, but history itself] ... ever.
[just trying to really impress that upon itsuki as much as humanly possible]
They'd be just as important as the rules that we follow as swords - like the fate of humanity rests on them.
[so it'll have to wait until they wake up. but itsuki has already promised, and buzen now expects that to be upheld. he moves to take a step back]
... I'm going to finish this dream. [no matter what that looks like. like history, probably. because even if itsuki say she has freedom, buzen will never want a freedom that is separate from his mission anyway.] I have to go get Matsu and...
[wipe them clean.
he sighs and his gaze seems clearer, less immediately distressed. he has to be steady for others now.]
... Go hide. Don't follow me. I'll come get you, when it's done.
[it's a little funny the way Itsuki finally comes to a realization. The way he thought that following Buzen on a mission would solve that problem of distance. It only speaks of his ignorance that he thought he could achieve that in the first place.
Should he have stayed home? In the citadel? Should he have never come here?
...Buzen tells him to hide and not to follow him. And Itsuki promised him that he'd follow the rules.]
...Mm. I'll be waiting.
[his form shifts, then wavers a little. the hem of his kimono turns into petals, and the rest of him follows -- just floating away on a breeze, up, up, into the air.
he can hide like this, and he can't follow. ...maybe he should have asked buzen if he could still watch -- not that he could turn away even if buzen wanted him to. the trouble about this power meant he'd see everything, no matter what.]
waiting for people that you want to see, waiting to be with your comrades, waiting without end. it is never for certain that you'll get to see who you want - if they even existed in the first place, or if their names are simply etched next to yours for history's sake only.
it's why buzen never quite grasped what itsuki wanted - to be with him? sure, sometimes. but not always. itsuki joining him on a mission would allow for downtime, the moments away from battles to be theirs. but it would never be as peaceful as their days in the citadel.
isn't' that alright though? isn't that what makes those sunny days spent napping and chatting all the more important?
that's what buzen thinks, even as he lets his sword cut into the peasants before they cut into matsui. the dream is back up to full speed and - despite knowing that the power is in his hands to change it... he doesn't. he doesn't deviate even a little from his memory. that's not his right, as a sword warrior. instead he and matsui complete their mission - until every last worshipper in this castle's walls are gone. only one boy is whisked away with the help of mikazuki munechika, and they all move to return to the citadel - and only then, at mission's end, does buzen let something change.
in this quiet place by the sea, stained with bloody, he will finally step toward where he hopes to find itsuki.]
petals rain down on buzen from above, and if he looks up then he'll see itsuki, slowly following. he doesn't wait for his feet to touch the ground, just opens his arms so he can fall into an embrace]
Buzen.
[he can hear the sea, smell the iron tang of blood. he breathes in deeply -- so he can remember the scent of blood and anemone. both integral parts of buzen,]
I meant what I said before. That I choose you.
[even in this stained place by the sea. he feels sorry too, because buzen had to show him this at his own behest. is there a difference between a dream and a forced memory?
...he can't change what he's done. but he can at least tell buzen how he feels.]
[buzen will catch itsuki then, sighing as he takes in the familiar weight of him into his arms. he's probably covered in blood - not too different from how itsuki already had to welcome him home but...
this is a dream, he reminds himself. even though nothing is all that different from the original rebellion... it's a dream, isn't it?]
... thank you for choosing me.
[even if right now buzen feels a little more severe, a little more sword-like.
he'll try to ease back into his usual countenance, at least, for itsuki.]
[If it would change anything, then Itsuki would make it all go away with a sweep of his hand. But it wouldn't change anything, besides erase an event that had really happened -- that Buzen had seen with his own eyes.
He'd been shocked -- and then so resolute in his focus that he hadn't allowed himself to get lose in the tragedy unfurling around him. But seeing Buzen finish the dream the exact way it must have happened in reality... He could feel the anguish of that moment, for matsui, for all those who died here.
scary, huh...]
It... [...] It's so sad.
[he can only offer that, without dressing it up in something pretty.]
That humans are capable of this, and that this counts as history.
this is a place tinged with regret and pain, with so much suffering with the intention of leaving a mark. so that it would never be repeated again, supposedly, and yet....]
... a lot of history looks like this.
[difficult, bloody, terrible.]
... it's why I don't want you to have to see it. At least... not this close.
[Itsuki's never had a real opinion on humanity as a whole. Some humans are good, some humans are bad. But he's always known that the decisions of a few will always decide the fate of many.]
...It's hard to watch, but it'd be worse if I looked away.
[...Is that a consequence of humanity? Or something that's just fated to be? He takes Buzen's hand in his as he steps back to look around once more.]
You and the others will always preserve history. Whether it's beautiful or ugly... that part depends on humans. [...] So I think I needed to see this -- one way or another.
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no subject
itsuki's heard many lullabies, thanks to the nature of his job, but this one stands out. it's not about a child or romance, or missing a loved one. this one is soft enough to lull him to sleep. there's something in buzen's voice -- as steady as it is -- that makes him feel pensive. his eyes blink closed at the touch of his thumb, then blink back open, soft]
...Where is that from?
no subject
Shimabara, by the sea.
[ahah. this isn't really how he wanted to bring itsuki but... well, it's alright. they can go see the actual sea when it's beautiful and calm. buzen will lean in to briefly press a kiss to itsuki's temple.]
... let's go to sleep. I'll see you soon.
[humming under his breath - ] Ororon, ororon, ororonbai.
no subject
ororon, ororon, ororonbai...
he never knows how long it takes, that interval between falling asleep and appearing in a dream, but he waits patiently nonetheless in his dreamscape, made small after he released all the other dreamers.
there's only one dreamer he's interested in now, and he senses the change -- the slight give in the boundary that tells him that buzen's asleep too. he puts his hand out, lets the imaginary door swing open, and steps on through.
sometimes, the dream is already there for him to see. other times, he needs to prod it into existence with the help of the dreamer. he's not sure which one this one will be.
it depends on whether or not buzen will remember that it's a dream, or if he'll be caught by the memory... either way, Itsuki makes no attempt to hide. let his presence remind buzen that it's only a dream -- and not a nightmare,]
no subject
In your dreams, you can meet Him.
the lyrics settle in buzen's memory - and with them, the rest of the scenery sweeps in like the ocean tide. the dream is already churning when itsuki is there. a castle by the sea. people dressed in white. the scent of the ocean spray and - blood. though at least for now, it is only old, dry blood that stains the castle's walls and floors. a battle happened here.
and a battle will be happening here.
some of the people dressed in white are on their knees, praying. others are scrambling for weapons, for ways to defend themselves. already some begin to cry and plead - women and children included because this war does not discriminate. their faces are already gaunt, a little hollow from the lack of food.
there is only one thing that will tide them over now. their murmurs of 'paraiso' - their paradise.
the resounding echo of a war horn cuts through everything and only then will itsuki be able to find buzen if he looks over the castle precipice - that familiar uniform of green alongside another. matsui at his side, eyes wide and terrified. buzen's own expression fixed only on him, then forward. he doesn't quite catch sight of itsuki just yet - he has only the mission.
and as the siege begins, those Christians and peasants in white painting the castle again with a fresh coat of blood, it becomes increasingly clear: the mission is a slaughter.]
no subject
He's never seen so many happen all at once.
...There's so many people. Is this what war is?]
...! Buzen...
[it's not hard to pick out Buzen and Matsui from the sea of white and red below. Itsuki looks over the precipice, and then casts a look around for a way to -- what, get down? Approach him? He asked Buzen to show him, without realizing the effect it would really have. He'd thought that he knew everything -- that he'd seen it all.
He made Buzen relive this nightmare.
...The least he can do is not let him suffer alone.
And so, Itsuki does the one thing that Buzen would never want him to do if this was an actual, real mission. He pushes the dream, pulling at it until he's slipping through the crowd of those slaughtering and being slaughtered, running past them so he can get closer to Buzen,]
-- Buzen!
no subject
the members of the shogun cut down peasant after peasant, identifying them through the white of their clothes and the lack of armor. buzen does the same. he cuts down human after human, and he thinks again about how he can't save anyone, because that's not what he's meant to do. maybe swords really are just tools meant for making mistakes.
he forgets that it's a dream, ruled only by his sense of duty. there isn't a single human that matches up against him - though they do separate him from matsui, and that makes him feel all the rigid. he has to find him. he has to -
Buzen!
the call of his name gets him to whirl around, and there is a moment where he seems well and truly struck when he sees itsuki. is this his penance? after he cuts down so many whose names and faces he never truly got to know, is he supposed to cut down the one person he always wanted to protect? is that the mission?
a member of the shogunate seems to have gotten the impression that itsuki is not one of them - not one of their ranks - and moves to cut him down. buzen is faster still, sliding in front of him and raising his left arm so that the soldier's spear only connects with the guard. the sound still rings in the air, but buzen barks as if he's the one giving orders now - ] Stand down!
[and the soldier goes, instead deciding there are more rebels still to kill.
but buzen will look back to itsuki, confused and haunted as he tries to make sense of this. of the memory of the mission and itsuki in a place where he certainly doesn't belong.]
What are you.... I don't want to...
[kill you too.]
no subject
so it's not a surprise that Buzen's so ensnared -- everything is realistic in a dream. the sound of waves lapping against the shore, of blades striking flesh, of the screams and cries of both soldiers and peasants falling against castle stone and sand. this is all from buzen's memory, so not a single thing in it is false.
except for Itsuki, the one anomaly. usually, this is enough to snap the dreamer awake -- seeing itsuki should break the illusion, but it holds fast around them, which tells itsuki just how terrible a memory this is. this is a dream, and buzen is the dreamer.
he looks down at the pure white of his sleepwear, and it takes only a second for it turn a dark inky purple instead, shifting into a modern kimono. a soldier cuts someone down near him and he flinches, but the spray of blood that lashes onto him turns into petals instead -- soft and pink.
another anomaly, something else that doesn't quite fit in.
he can only hope that it works.]
...Buzen. You're not here anymore. You're in a dream.
[Itsuki drifts closer, pitches his voice louder over the sounds of fighting,]
...I'm the one who brought you here, remember?
no subject
he gasps like he's coming up for air after being submerged, maybe after holding his breath in the hope that he wouldn't have to cut down the one person that he always wanted to protect. even now, he doesn't sheath his sword again. it remains in his hand, grip tight, even as his other immediately reaches out to pull itsuki closer to him. his hold is also firm, a little desperate.
it's a dream, but buzen's mind still reads it as a battlefield. sleeping or awake, he doesn't want to let any harm come to itsuki. he angles his body like it'll keep anyone from coming between them, from thinking that they need to take it upon themselves to kill itsuki in buzen's place. he won't allow it.
he keeps his gaze past itsuki's shoulder, watching everyone else. it also makes it easier to hide his expression, as tense and distraught as it is.]
... sorry. I forgot. [that itsuki asked to be brought here. his breathing is still ragged, like he's trying to recover from the fear that engulfed him]
no subject
[Itsuki immediately wraps his arms around him, uncaring of the blood that's already on his clothes. Not because it's a dream, but because this is Buzen, and Itsuki will always run to him no matter where his, no matter what he's in the middle of doing.
Even when it's this.
he's not unaffected by the rest of it. he has to keep reminding himself that it's all a dream -- that the people dying around them aren't real. or that they were real once, but are no more. he wonders what it means that he could be surrounded by so many, so much pain and suffering, and still only have eyes for Buzen. He presses a hand against the side of his face, in an attempt to turn his gaze to him.]
...This isn't your fault.
[He presses a hand against the side of his face, in an attempt to turn his gaze to him.]
I'm the one who's sorry. ...I should have run to you right away.
no subject
[ - and already the word on his mouth sounds foreign, because buzen so rarely denies itsuki anything. but there's something firm even as he lets itsuki guide his face to look back at him and buzen meets his eyes for a moment - but only a moment. he glances away almost immediately, because even if it's not real... it feels like a battle.
lowering his guard for even a second could risk both of them.]
You shouldn't be here. [more certainly, more stubbornly] You should've gone to hide, and stayed out of the fighting until I came to get you. Running into the middle of all this - don't do that ever again. In a dream, or in reality.
[don't go charging after him so recklessly - not when buzen can't always promise that he can keep itsuki safe. when even now it feels like taking this moment is already pulling his heart in two different directions]
You can't die on me.
no subject
Buzen so rarely denies him anything. He rarely ever looks this afraid either -- no, Itsuki's never seen him this afraid before. The way he'd looked at Itsuki when he first approached him is an image burned in Itsuki's mind -- more prominent than the carnage he's seen.]
How can I die -- when you're right here beside me?
[Itsuki reaches out again, this time so he can curl a hand around the one gripping Buzen's sword, and at the same time, dimming the sound of the battle around them,]
The safest place I'll ever be is in your arms. ...I'll always believe that.
[even now, after seeing buzen kill someone begging for mercy, and dozens of others.
it's not the rational thing to think, or even sensible. but itsuki can't help it. he's never been one to think of sense anyway,]
no subject
itsuki can't die here, because he controls all of this. all the blood will turn to flowers, and he can't get hurt. buzen reminds himself of that as he meets itsuki's gaze but -
the words don't settle for him. not here. if anything they confuse and tear at him worse.]
... that can't be true during missions, Suki. I can't always hold you. Even right now - if this were Shimabara... and I stayed here with you, Matsu would be broken. I need to save him.
[itsuki can be selfish. buzen lets him, encourages him. he wants to give itsuki everything that he wants.
but even buzen has a limit.]
... don't make me choose between my mission or you -
Please.
[because buzen already knows how that would end - and that is a nightmare that he doesn't think he'd ever quite wake up from.]
no subject
No one's pain matters more to him than Buzen's.
He moves, taking a step back.]
You don't have to.
[But the expression on his face is warm -- not unhappy or sad or resentful or jealous -- just warm with understanding. He reaches up to cup Buzen's face in both of his hands,]
I've already chosen you. What you want -- and what you have to do, I came here because I want to accept it.
[he wants to share in it, even if it's this. he can't take the guilt or fear away from buzen, that's not how dreams work. he can't manipulate what buzen would say or do, and he wouldn't want to anyway. itsuki has so much power in a dream, but so do his dreamers.]
...This is your dream too, Buzen. You have the power to change it. What I can do... you can too.
[he can stop it, he can keep going, but more importantly, he can save matsui in this one again, he can put itsuki somewhere safe, if that's what he wants.
dreams will always change according to one's heart.]
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it never occurred to him before - because in truth, most of buzen's dreams are calm. but... the ones that aren't, they're always some variation of this. of shimabara, soaked in blood so vivid it feels like the ocean itself can't quite manage to wash it away.
he sighs out a breath as he leans into itsuki's touch and he - trusts him. he tries to let himself believe in this. he focuses, and the battlefield slows, slows.... until it comes to a pause. a moment to breathe, where buzen doesn't feel like he has to run or else matsui will already be gone.
but he can't bring himself to change it. because that would deviate history. even in a dream, it feels too close.]
.... I was worried about you being here - but I guess I didn't think about how I'd react to seeing you here.
[and the intensity of his emotions, lost and choppy as he tried to separate dream from memory]
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[so itsuki can't exactly blame buzen, even if he had a single thought to. he looks around at the still landscape. if he squints, then could he make out matsui in the distance?]
And I broke one of my own rules. I shouldn't have just appeared out of nowhere -- I should have stayed hidden, like you said.
[he's never had a problem with hiding before. all the dreams he's seen while just a few steps away,]
...I guess I didn't think about how I'd react seeing you either.
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buzen frowns at that....]
... if you're still serious about wanting to go with me on missions, we need rules. And you're not allowed to break them. [because they'd be in place to protect not only itsuki, but history itself] ... ever.
[just trying to really impress that upon itsuki as much as humanly possible]
They'd be just as important as the rules that we follow as swords - like the fate of humanity rests on them.
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Itsuki looks at Buzen's hands like he's thinking of reaching for him. Instead, he tilts his head up to meet his serious expression,]
...I promise I won't break them.
[JUST IMMEDIATELY PROMISING DESPITE SEEING PARAISO AND ALL THIS DEATH,]
What do I have to do?
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... I'll talk about it with Aruji.
[so it'll have to wait until they wake up. but itsuki has already promised, and buzen now expects that to be upheld. he moves to take a step back]
... I'm going to finish this dream. [no matter what that looks like. like history, probably. because even if itsuki say she has freedom, buzen will never want a freedom that is separate from his mission anyway.] I have to go get Matsu and...
[wipe them clean.
he sighs and his gaze seems clearer, less immediately distressed. he has to be steady for others now.]
... Go hide. Don't follow me. I'll come get you, when it's done.
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Should he have stayed home? In the citadel? Should he have never come here?
...Buzen tells him to hide and not to follow him. And Itsuki promised him that he'd follow the rules.]
...Mm. I'll be waiting.
[his form shifts, then wavers a little. the hem of his kimono turns into petals, and the rest of him follows -- just floating away on a breeze, up, up, into the air.
he can hide like this, and he can't follow. ...maybe he should have asked buzen if he could still watch -- not that he could turn away even if buzen wanted him to. the trouble about this power meant he'd see everything, no matter what.]
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waiting for people that you want to see, waiting to be with your comrades, waiting without end. it is never for certain that you'll get to see who you want - if they even existed in the first place, or if their names are simply etched next to yours for history's sake only.
it's why buzen never quite grasped what itsuki wanted - to be with him? sure, sometimes. but not always. itsuki joining him on a mission would allow for downtime, the moments away from battles to be theirs. but it would never be as peaceful as their days in the citadel.
isn't' that alright though? isn't that what makes those sunny days spent napping and chatting all the more important?
that's what buzen thinks, even as he lets his sword cut into the peasants before they cut into matsui. the dream is back up to full speed and - despite knowing that the power is in his hands to change it... he doesn't. he doesn't deviate even a little from his memory. that's not his right, as a sword warrior. instead he and matsui complete their mission - until every last worshipper in this castle's walls are gone. only one boy is whisked away with the help of mikazuki munechika, and they all move to return to the citadel - and only then, at mission's end, does buzen let something change.
in this quiet place by the sea, stained with bloody, he will finally step toward where he hopes to find itsuki.]
... Suki, it's over.
[the massacre is complete.
is this what itsuki expected?]
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petals rain down on buzen from above, and if he looks up then he'll see itsuki, slowly following. he doesn't wait for his feet to touch the ground, just opens his arms so he can fall into an embrace]
Buzen.
[he can hear the sea, smell the iron tang of blood. he breathes in deeply -- so he can remember the scent of blood and anemone. both integral parts of buzen,]
I meant what I said before. That I choose you.
[even in this stained place by the sea. he feels sorry too, because buzen had to show him this at his own behest. is there a difference between a dream and a forced memory?
...he can't change what he's done. but he can at least tell buzen how he feels.]
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this is a dream, he reminds himself. even though nothing is all that different from the original rebellion... it's a dream, isn't it?]
... thank you for choosing me.
[even if right now buzen feels a little more severe, a little more sword-like.
he'll try to ease back into his usual countenance, at least, for itsuki.]
It must seem scary.
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He'd been shocked -- and then so resolute in his focus that he hadn't allowed himself to get lose in the tragedy unfurling around him. But seeing Buzen finish the dream the exact way it must have happened in reality... He could feel the anguish of that moment, for matsui, for all those who died here.
scary, huh...]
It... [...] It's so sad.
[he can only offer that, without dressing it up in something pretty.]
That humans are capable of this, and that this counts as history.
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this is a place tinged with regret and pain, with so much suffering with the intention of leaving a mark. so that it would never be repeated again, supposedly, and yet....]
... a lot of history looks like this.
[difficult, bloody, terrible.]
... it's why I don't want you to have to see it. At least... not this close.
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...It's hard to watch, but it'd be worse if I looked away.
[...Is that a consequence of humanity? Or something that's just fated to be? He takes Buzen's hand in his as he steps back to look around once more.]
You and the others will always preserve history. Whether it's beautiful or ugly... that part depends on humans. [...] So I think I needed to see this -- one way or another.
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