he's pretty sure itsuki asked him this question before, and the funny thing is that he really doesn't think that his answer's changed at all. he smiles and tilts his head]
Anything's fine - I'd just like to stay with you.
[so they can be together when they're sleeping, and awake]
[It's the same thing he said before, and it has the same effect on Itsuki now. The smile he shines on Buzen is warm and fond.
He thinks about all the fantastical sights he could show Buzen -- underwater palaces, grand mountain ranges -- safaris and great, sweeping valleys with wild horses (fast things itsuki knows buzen would appreciate) -- fireworks at night, imaginary ball rooms...
...]
Let me show you a memory in return.
[a wave of petals descends from the sky, swirling around them as the wind picks up again -- the blood fades away from their hands and clothes, the sand beneath their feet turns into familiar tatami -- and then dissipates to reveal a bright, airy room. it's a room meant to entertain guests, loud and garish, but it looks softer in the morning light. a large phonograph sits on one of the low tables, standing out among the rest of the traditional decor.
the sound of hurried footsteps echo from outside the hall, and Itsuki tugs Buzen away from the door, laughing a little when it slides open to reveal children -- a young girl and boy. the girl tugs the boy after her, and they both make straight for the phonograph, neither noticing Itsuki or Buzen.
I told you it was still here. The girl proudly announces, as they both stand in front of it. The boy frowns, and with a voice of half-curiosity, half-doubt. This is supposed to play music...? How?
They both stare it and then look at each other, the similarities between them obvious. The boy looks at the girl's face, and his expression turns wry at what he finds there. Aneue...
She huffs in response. Shut up, Itsuki. It can't be that hard... Hurry up and help me. Itsuki grumbles, but he leans over to study the machine, shoulder to shoulder with Kazuha. The plainness of his clothes contrasts with the finery of her red kimono, but everything else about them is identical.
Itsuki, grown-up Itsuki, hovers his hand over the boy, and then lifts it to his own head.]
[buzen will go along with it easily when itsuki tugs him along - and it's so quick, the way that a grin stretches across his face as soon as the children come into the room. as quick as ever, buzen goes with the flow and lets all his melancholy all but disappear immediately]
Zuha-san...! Ah, she is pretty...! [RIGHT? the excitement is clear in his voice, even as he laughs as the antics of children, leaning lightly against itsuki as he watches the two try to understand the machine] This small you is cute, too...
['zuha-san'.... cute... even Itsuki doesn't get nickname privileges...
he mouths the words 'small you'??? for a confused moment then leans back, smiling.]
I think we were eleven? Maybe twelve.
[baby itsuki mutters something and kazuha thwaps him on the shoulder, earning her an ow!]
It was before Kazuha started using her powers.
[the hit must have done some good though because itsuki bumps the needle, and the machine immediately comes to life, letting out a warbling, fast-paced ballad. kazuha grabs onto itsuki's sleeve, heedless of the dirt, and starts laughing. I told you!]
[curious, wondering - humans with powers is still so foreign for buzen to understand, but he's appreciative regardless. he holds onto itsuki's hand and then guides it over his head to guide him into a little twirl when the music starts
[this is cute... buzen smiles softly at that even as he steps just a little faster, guiding itsuki out - and then back in so that his back can be against buzen's chest.
he rests his chin on itsuki's shoulder afterward]
Was she not used to dances? You couldn't switch roles...?
...We weren't allowed to. I helped her practice whenever I wasn't working.
[cinderella... Itsuki nuzzles Buzen's cheek, both hands gripping the arms around him.
just in time for a voice to boom outside the hall shouting the name 'kazuha'. the phonograph skips and both of the twins jump, wide-eyed. kazuha darts forward to pull up the needle and then itsuki tugs her to the other door, both of them disappearing through it.]
...Come on. The next part isn't very fun.
[the room shifts, and they're outside now -- on a street lined with cherry blossom trees. itsuki tucks a blossom gently into buzen's hair, and then starts walking, hand in hand]
even though he knows this is a dream, itsuki will probably feel the way that buzen tenses with the shout, one arm immediately stretching out like he's about to step between the angry person in the hall and the direction the kids were going.
but the room shifts, still faster than he is. he blinks a little bit - still looking in that direction like he's still wondering who he's supposed to fight in that memory.... before he turns back to itsuki when a flower gets tucked into his hair]
... it'd be better if kids got a chance to just be kids.
[he follows up the blossom with an affectionate kiss, hoping that it conveys even a small measure of the gratitude he feels. that buzen tried at all, even though it was a memory. he likes that his instinct is to protect... like a guardian sword would do,
he knows they can't change history, but a part of him wonders what his life might have been like -- if he'd met buzen sooner.
(actually what if kazuha crushed on buzen instead................ he promptly deletes this thought from his mind)]
Mm. ...It'd be nice if history could go easy on them. [pauses] I guess I should say 'if humans could go easy on them' instead.
[humans are responsible for this!! they made history sad!!!]
[ . . . hmmm. buzen will just let his expression soften at that. he knows how difficult it can be sometimes, to accept all the terrible things that humans do. but even then, buzen's instinct is still to love them and cherish them, for everything they can still be.
itsuki gives him a kiss, and buzen leans in for another, lingering for a bit there like he's trying to make itsuki's melancholy disappear]
... it would be nice.
But humans come with the good and the bad, though. [he gives itsuki's hand a gentle squeeze before interlacing their fingers] And I wouldn't want to change anything that led you to me.
there's a beat or two of silence, where itsuki's eyes widen a little, emanating wonder.]
...I don't think I would change anything either.
[even though itsuki hated his life, had bemoaned it and wished things were different every time... even though he'd grieved so deeply while at the prism, missing buzen with all his heart,
he brings up their hands so he can kiss their entwined fingers,]
I've lived enough of my life without you. ...I don't want to even imagine a version where you're not there.
[except for whenever i go 'ok but chroma au where i didn't app buzen,'
aside from that buzen seems pretty certain now as his expression softens with the kiss]
I'll always be here for you. And there's no strange amnesia at play around here anymore... so you'll never have to deal with a situation where you don't know me again.
[THE CHROMA AU WHERE ITSUKI RUNS SO FAST AND SO FAR, maybe a little like now, though he doesn't want to run so much as he... visibly falters, gaze dropping to their interlaced hands.
it's been two months and itsuki didn't talk about this???? im crying,
he tries to keep the smile on his face though, instinctive even now.]
...I'm sorry, Buzen.
Not only for forgetting you... But for being scared too. For being afraid of remembering.
[he didn't want to think about it. he got properly scolded, but not from the person he owes an apology]
[itsuki internally closing his eyes because he's flashbacking to the moment when meteion showed him buzen's letter and then scolded him for saying that he'd kick buzen's ass like he ever could,]
...You deserve to be mad.
[but he knows it won't make sense if he just leaves it like that,]
It's true that my memories of you were taken from me. [he'd have never willingly given them anyway, and yet] ...But Te-kun told me the day after how I could get them back.
...Before then... I knew I'd forgotten you, and I could tell that you meant a lot to me, just by the way some people were avoiding the subject. Hot Pants is the one who made it clear -- that we were in love, and that you were dead.
[...]
I was scared of remembering, so I didn't say the words Te-kun told me right away. Even though I said that I would treasure your memory. I... I ran away.
[like he always does. buzen was the one who told him he could change if he wanted to, and that he didn't have to because nothing was wrong with him. but maybe buzen was wrong then -- itsuki should have turned into a braver person, that way he wouldn't have hesitated for so long.]
itsuki tells him that he deserves to be mad but - as itsuki explains, buzen's expression remains the same. curious, a little puzzled. it doesn't seem to occur to him to be angry in the slightest. he holds onto itsuki's hands and remains patient, but...]
... that's okay.
[softly, but reassuringly]
There are things that are hard to face alone - and it was also my fault, a little, for leaving you alone. It's why I'd said... it's okay if you had forgotten, and still didn't remember... because I was worried that the memory of me when I wasn't there would upset you.
I don't want to be a reason you're sad. It was almost a relief, when you seemed a little lighter when you didn't realize anything was wrong. [just being a happy slutty kitsune, content to flirt and be carried]
Others remembered me - so it was alright. I'd still exist, and I'd just remind you when we met again.
[as opposed to what happened - when itsuki remembered, and went back to being a little constantly heartbroken]
[itsuki still thinks buzen deserves to be angry, even if everything in him doesn't want to see that anger. he doesn't want buzen to be upset at him, or think he loves him any less, or feel betrayed --
but it's hard to hear these words and accept buzen's understanding... the way he will always prioritize itsuki's happiness even on this,]
...I still hurt you. That moment we shared... when you told me how you weren't sure you existed. You opened up to me. That felt so important to me, and it still does now.
[he'll treasure that conversation, even if that very conversation made him cry all the more harder when his memories came back,]
I know you don't want me to be sad, but... I'd rather grieve for you than forget you. I know that now.
[ . . . buzen thinks that's a sweet sentiment, and it manages to warm his heart at the same time that he can't help but be a little worried. he brings his hand up to itsuki's cheek, resting against it cups his face and guides him to let their eyes meet]
... it did hurt, because... I don't want you to forget me. I want you to know me, in all the ways that only you do.
[if he's being sincere and honest. buzen isn't the type to run away from his feelings]
But none of that was your fault. I don't want you to feel guilty over it when I don't blame you at all, Suki.
[their eyes meet, and itsuki keeps his gaze on him. as much as he's a coward and likes to run --
he's stopped wanting to -- ever since he met buzen. so he takes buzen's honesty and folds it into his heart, the knowledge that buzen was hurt and that he doesn't blame him,
he never wants to forget again. he leans into the hand, closing his eyes, his voice rough]
I... [...a little helplessly,] I'm sorry.
For what I did -- and for feeling guilty... [because he knows that will make buzen sad too,] I'm sorry for always trying to get my own way. ...And I'm sorry for making you relive that moment.
But most of all, I'm sorry too -- for being happy anyway, because you love me, and don't blame me.
[even now, after what itsuki did, and for forcing his way. for dragging buzen into a dream so he can relive what the word paraiso means, for scaring him so badly]
[maybe someone should consider holding itsuki accountable for his actions - i keep thinking that roxana would and that'll make crau3 so fucking funny but
it doesn't even so much as occur to buzen why itsuki might be apologizing for all these things. it's not as though they came as a surprise or were done maliciously - buzen even agreed to everything about tonight's dream. so instead he'll simply gently pull on itsuki's hand to encourage him closer, slipping his fingers out of their hold only so that buzen can encourage itsuki into his arms in a warm embrace underneath the cherry blossoms]
... I forgive you.
[just as easy as breathing]
I do love you. You make me happier so much more than you could ever make me unhappy, even if some things hurt or sting in the moment. So how could I ever hold anything against you, when I'd always rather you be happy?
itsuki needs no encouragement, he slips into Buzen's embrace immediately, pressing his body against his -- letting that warmth suffuse through him. it reminds him of the day he first met buzen. how was it possible that he could have been surprised? discomfited to have his guard rattled so thoroughly?
how was it possible when being in buzen's arms makes so much sense? his hands come up to hold him back, hoping he can repay even a tenth of that warmth. buzen loves him, and itsuki loves him back,]
You're amazing. [...] Every part of you.
[the buzen who loves him, the buzen who upholds the mission and somehow keeps his heart throughout,]
Thank you for telling me, Buzen. For taking a chance on me. ...I love you.
[his emotions are so focused. the cherry blossom trees rustle, more flowers bloom beneath their feet, the faint sound of music floats on the air -- all keyed to itsuki's emotions, despite it being buzen's dream. or maybe the dream is responding to both of them, to the softness of this shared moment.]
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Itsuki squeezes his hands. He can't take away what Shimabara means to Buzen, but maybe he can lessen its effect... for at least one night.]
Hmm... what would you like to see? I can take us anywhere, and we can do anything. There's still some time left before morning.
[the possibilities are endless.... itsuki about to put them in a fairy tale au]
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he's pretty sure itsuki asked him this question before, and the funny thing is that he really doesn't think that his answer's changed at all. he smiles and tilts his head]
Anything's fine - I'd just like to stay with you.
[so they can be together when they're sleeping, and awake]
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He thinks about all the fantastical sights he could show Buzen -- underwater palaces, grand mountain ranges -- safaris and great, sweeping valleys with wild horses (fast things itsuki knows buzen would appreciate) -- fireworks at night, imaginary ball rooms...
...]
Let me show you a memory in return.
[a wave of petals descends from the sky, swirling around them as the wind picks up again -- the blood fades away from their hands and clothes, the sand beneath their feet turns into familiar tatami -- and then dissipates to reveal a bright, airy room. it's a room meant to entertain guests, loud and garish, but it looks softer in the morning light. a large phonograph sits on one of the low tables, standing out among the rest of the traditional decor.
the sound of hurried footsteps echo from outside the hall, and Itsuki tugs Buzen away from the door, laughing a little when it slides open to reveal children -- a young girl and boy. the girl tugs the boy after her, and they both make straight for the phonograph, neither noticing Itsuki or Buzen.
I told you it was still here. The girl proudly announces, as they both stand in front of it. The boy frowns, and with a voice of half-curiosity, half-doubt. This is supposed to play music...? How?
They both stare it and then look at each other, the similarities between them obvious. The boy looks at the girl's face, and his expression turns wry at what he finds there. Aneue...
She huffs in response. Shut up, Itsuki. It can't be that hard... Hurry up and help me. Itsuki grumbles, but he leans over to study the machine, shoulder to shoulder with Kazuha. The plainness of his clothes contrasts with the finery of her red kimono, but everything else about them is identical.
Itsuki, grown-up Itsuki, hovers his hand over the boy, and then lifts it to his own head.]
Hmm... I thought I was taller back then.
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[buzen will go along with it easily when itsuki tugs him along - and it's so quick, the way that a grin stretches across his face as soon as the children come into the room. as quick as ever, buzen goes with the flow and lets all his melancholy all but disappear immediately]
Zuha-san...! Ah, she is pretty...! [RIGHT? the excitement is clear in his voice, even as he laughs as the antics of children, leaning lightly against itsuki as he watches the two try to understand the machine] This small you is cute, too...
[buzen does not understand aging
but children are sweet]
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he mouths the words 'small you'??? for a confused moment then leans back, smiling.]
I think we were eleven? Maybe twelve.
[baby itsuki mutters something and kazuha thwaps him on the shoulder, earning her an ow!]
It was before Kazuha started using her powers.
[the hit must have done some good though because itsuki bumps the needle, and the machine immediately comes to life, letting out a warbling, fast-paced ballad. kazuha grabs onto itsuki's sleeve, heedless of the dirt, and starts laughing. I told you!]
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[curious, wondering - humans with powers is still so foreign for buzen to understand, but he's appreciative regardless. he holds onto itsuki's hand and then guides it over his head to guide him into a little twirl when the music starts
dancing....]
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a laugh slips out mid-twirl, and baby itsuki laughs right after, taking kazuha's hand in tandem.]
She didn't realize, until she had to use them to protect me.
[hmm... Itsuki puts his free hand on Buzen's waist, attempting to guide him in a slow circle, the same one buzen showed him all those weeks ago.]
Am I doing this right?
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he glances back and tilts his head]
I don't know! [GOD,] Chi taught me some dances... but I'm still not familiar with all human partner dances. But this is fine, right?
[for them to do their clumsy little simile of a waltz together]
You and your aneue really loved each other though, huh. That's good.
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grown up itsuki looks like he's gonna laugh again though.]
Right, one of her memories had dancing in it. I showed her a memory of Kazuha at dance practice.
[a softe sweet memory.... why did garou traumatize chinatsu with itsuki's bang memory, itsuki doesn't know.]
Kazuha wasn't very good at it. I had to help her all the time... I learned to play the shamisen for her.
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he rests his chin on itsuki's shoulder afterward]
Was she not used to dances? You couldn't switch roles...?
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[cinderella... Itsuki nuzzles Buzen's cheek, both hands gripping the arms around him.
just in time for a voice to boom outside the hall shouting the name 'kazuha'. the phonograph skips and both of the twins jump, wide-eyed. kazuha darts forward to pull up the needle and then itsuki tugs her to the other door, both of them disappearing through it.]
...Come on. The next part isn't very fun.
[the room shifts, and they're outside now -- on a street lined with cherry blossom trees. itsuki tucks a blossom gently into buzen's hair, and then starts walking, hand in hand]
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even though he knows this is a dream, itsuki will probably feel the way that buzen tenses with the shout, one arm immediately stretching out like he's about to step between the angry person in the hall and the direction the kids were going.
but the room shifts, still faster than he is. he blinks a little bit - still looking in that direction like he's still wondering who he's supposed to fight in that memory.... before he turns back to itsuki when a flower gets tucked into his hair]
... it'd be better if kids got a chance to just be kids.
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he knows they can't change history, but a part of him wonders what his life might have been like -- if he'd met buzen sooner.
(actually what if kazuha crushed on buzen instead................ he promptly deletes this thought from his mind)]
Mm. ...It'd be nice if history could go easy on them. [pauses] I guess I should say 'if humans could go easy on them' instead.
[humans are responsible for this!! they made history sad!!!]
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itsuki gives him a kiss, and buzen leans in for another, lingering for a bit there like he's trying to make itsuki's melancholy disappear]
... it would be nice.
But humans come with the good and the bad, though. [he gives itsuki's hand a gentle squeeze before interlacing their fingers] And I wouldn't want to change anything that led you to me.
I hope that's alright.
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there's a beat or two of silence, where itsuki's eyes widen a little, emanating wonder.]
...I don't think I would change anything either.
[even though itsuki hated his life, had bemoaned it and wished things were different every time... even though he'd grieved so deeply while at the prism, missing buzen with all his heart,
he brings up their hands so he can kiss their entwined fingers,]
I've lived enough of my life without you. ...I don't want to even imagine a version where you're not there.
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[except for whenever i go 'ok but chroma au where i didn't app buzen,'
aside from that buzen seems pretty certain now as his expression softens with the kiss]
I'll always be here for you. And there's no strange amnesia at play around here anymore... so you'll never have to deal with a situation where you don't know me again.
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it's been two months and itsuki didn't talk about this???? im crying,
he tries to keep the smile on his face though, instinctive even now.]
...I'm sorry, Buzen.
Not only for forgetting you... But for being scared too. For being afraid of remembering.
[he didn't want to think about it. he got properly scolded, but not from the person he owes an apology]
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that said
buzen is just going to tilt his head at that]
... I forgive you?
I'm not mad. Weren't you going to kick my ass because I wasn't mad?
[BUZEN REALLY WOULD'VE LET ITSUKI STAY IN HIS AMNESIAC AU UNTIL THEY REUNITED A MONTH LATER HELP]
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...You deserve to be mad.
[but he knows it won't make sense if he just leaves it like that,]
It's true that my memories of you were taken from me. [he'd have never willingly given them anyway, and yet] ...But Te-kun told me the day after how I could get them back.
...Before then... I knew I'd forgotten you, and I could tell that you meant a lot to me, just by the way some people were avoiding the subject. Hot Pants is the one who made it clear -- that we were in love, and that you were dead.
[...]
I was scared of remembering, so I didn't say the words Te-kun told me right away. Even though I said that I would treasure your memory. I... I ran away.
[like he always does. buzen was the one who told him he could change if he wanted to, and that he didn't have to because nothing was wrong with him. but maybe buzen was wrong then -- itsuki should have turned into a braver person, that way he wouldn't have hesitated for so long.]
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itsuki tells him that he deserves to be mad but - as itsuki explains, buzen's expression remains the same. curious, a little puzzled. it doesn't seem to occur to him to be angry in the slightest. he holds onto itsuki's hands and remains patient, but...]
... that's okay.
[softly, but reassuringly]
There are things that are hard to face alone - and it was also my fault, a little, for leaving you alone. It's why I'd said... it's okay if you had forgotten, and still didn't remember... because I was worried that the memory of me when I wasn't there would upset you.
I don't want to be a reason you're sad. It was almost a relief, when you seemed a little lighter when you didn't realize anything was wrong. [just being a happy slutty kitsune, content to flirt and be carried]
Others remembered me - so it was alright. I'd still exist, and I'd just remind you when we met again.
[as opposed to what happened - when itsuki remembered, and went back to being a little constantly heartbroken]
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but it's hard to hear these words and accept buzen's understanding... the way he will always prioritize itsuki's happiness even on this,]
...I still hurt you. That moment we shared... when you told me how you weren't sure you existed. You opened up to me. That felt so important to me, and it still does now.
[he'll treasure that conversation, even if that very conversation made him cry all the more harder when his memories came back,]
I know you don't want me to be sad, but... I'd rather grieve for you than forget you. I know that now.
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... it did hurt, because... I don't want you to forget me. I want you to know me, in all the ways that only you do.
[if he's being sincere and honest. buzen isn't the type to run away from his feelings]
But none of that was your fault. I don't want you to feel guilty over it when I don't blame you at all, Suki.
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he's stopped wanting to -- ever since he met buzen. so he takes buzen's honesty and folds it into his heart, the knowledge that buzen was hurt and that he doesn't blame him,
he never wants to forget again. he leans into the hand, closing his eyes, his voice rough]
I... [...a little helplessly,] I'm sorry.
For what I did -- and for feeling guilty... [because he knows that will make buzen sad too,] I'm sorry for always trying to get my own way. ...And I'm sorry for making you relive that moment.
But most of all, I'm sorry too -- for being happy anyway, because you love me, and don't blame me.
[even now, after what itsuki did, and for forcing his way. for dragging buzen into a dream so he can relive what the word paraiso means, for scaring him so badly]
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it doesn't even so much as occur to buzen why itsuki might be apologizing for all these things. it's not as though they came as a surprise or were done maliciously - buzen even agreed to everything about tonight's dream. so instead he'll simply gently pull on itsuki's hand to encourage him closer, slipping his fingers out of their hold only so that buzen can encourage itsuki into his arms in a warm embrace underneath the cherry blossoms]
... I forgive you.
[just as easy as breathing]
I do love you. You make me happier so much more than you could ever make me unhappy, even if some things hurt or sting in the moment. So how could I ever hold anything against you, when I'd always rather you be happy?
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itsuki needs no encouragement, he slips into Buzen's embrace immediately, pressing his body against his -- letting that warmth suffuse through him. it reminds him of the day he first met buzen. how was it possible that he could have been surprised? discomfited to have his guard rattled so thoroughly?
how was it possible when being in buzen's arms makes so much sense? his hands come up to hold him back, hoping he can repay even a tenth of that warmth. buzen loves him, and itsuki loves him back,]
You're amazing. [...] Every part of you.
[the buzen who loves him, the buzen who upholds the mission and somehow keeps his heart throughout,]
Thank you for telling me, Buzen. For taking a chance on me. ...I love you.
[his emotions are so focused. the cherry blossom trees rustle, more flowers bloom beneath their feet, the faint sound of music floats on the air -- all keyed to itsuki's emotions, despite it being buzen's dream. or maybe the dream is responding to both of them, to the softness of this shared moment.]
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