But as much as he thinks he should say no... he doesn't, because he can't resist the pull of Buzen's wants. His movements are hesitant, but he pulls the blanket back so they can both climb in, and then pulls it over them.]
...How's this?
[he's careful not to jostle buzen, rearranging himself so he's next to him.]
[His name comes out as a sigh. This would be soft and sweet if it were any other moment. It's still both those things, but it's painful too. Painful that Buzen's still holding onto him, even now.
...He curls an arm around Buzen in return, but the other presses against his chest so he can feel his heart beat beneath his fingers. Strong and steady.]
You're gonna have to pinch me to keep me awake, you know.
[softly. itsuki can probably feel his heartbeat, calm and steady. buzen's own arms tighten around itsuki just a bit, like reaffirming that he's still strong enough to hold onto him.
that he does want to hold onto him, regardless of earlier.]
[If he closes his eyes just like this, surrounded by the sound of Buzen's heartbeat and the warmth of those arms encircling him, then maybe he could pretend that everything earlier was just a dream.
...But if he's going to try and live in the waking world with the one he loves, then he can't keep taking those steps back. His hand moves from Buzen's back to his front, right over the spot of Buzen's once injury,]
[buzen will shift - just so that there's enough space between them that itsuki can see - and adjust his clothes so that his torso can be seen. smooth, no evidence of even a scar left behind. the benefit of being a sword, really...]
[There's no wound, which means Itsuki carefully traces the memory of it across Buzen's skin instead. Would Buzen be concerned about his injuries if they couldn't be healed just like that? Or would he just be his usual self, and carry as many wounds ad possible, regardless?]
You were bleeding so much.
[the memory is still weighing on him, enough that he can feel his frantic tears from earlier prickle at the corner of his eyes.]
You were dying, and there wasn't anything I could do.
[given that buzen didn't even use the healing pod in the prism - there's some part of him that clearly just doesn't care if he gets injured. it happens. he's still as he lets itsuki trace against his skin, but he presses another kiss to his forehead shortly afterward]
.... I'm sorry I scared you.
[if he can take a guess at the feeling that probably grips onto itsuki to some extent even now]
[ . . . buzen huffs softly at that, letting his head rest near itsuki's as he watches him]
... I feel the same way, you know. It's why I didn't want you going on missions in the first place, because I didn't want to open you up to the risk of getting hurt.
It's not that I don't understand your feeling.... I think I understand it really well.
[immediately, the words falling out of him in a rush]
...I do. I want to be with you, no matter what or where. I just -- I haven't seen you that injured since... you were dead.
So I panicked. [he laughs without any real mirth,] And when I panic, I always run away from the truth. ...That's why I wanted to keep you with me, in your dream.
[ . . . running away from the truth, huh? buzen is thoughtful, quiet. it's not his natural inclination for things. on the one hand, he lets people talk at their own willingness... but on the other, he believes that there is an importance to facing your fears.
what is he supposed to do, if itsuki's fear is being without him? he frowns thoughtfully before shifting, rolling gently so that he's hovering above itsuki now.
and pressing another kiss to his forehead, the corners of his eyes, slow and sweet]
I'm right here, in front of you, alive and well. That's the truth.
It's okay if you panic... I just have to bring you back, right?
The panic and fear and guilt knotted in his chest slowly unfurls with every kiss, and the tears at the corners of his eyes finally fall. Itsuki doesn't cry, really. There's no point in crying, not when his whole life was built to cater to others, to soothe their tears. When was the last time...?
At the ferris wheel, in that place Buzen had been in. When he thought he'd really lost him. But he came back, didn't he? Still, the memory weighs on him, and he moves to cradle Buzen's face in his hands,]
Buzen...
[...This is now. Buzen's face, and the warmth of his body.]
...Yeah. I'll follow wherever you go. [the ripple and the wind, whether alive or gone, itsuki knows he'll follow.]
[it's not as though it's the first time that buzen's seen someone's tears... even at shimabara, matsui was crying so hard that buzen was afraid that the tears would never stop - that his voice would give out before his pain did. the tears falling from itsuki's eyes are different, quieter, but they are no less full of emotion.
buzen's expression softens and he shifts just so that he can let his hand cup itsuki's face, brushing away his tears underneath his eye with his thumb... and then pressing a kiss to the trail that it leaves behind. gentle and loving.]
[Itsuki closes his eyes at the touch of Buzen's hand, and then his lips, and thinks shakily of how he doesn't want Buzen to leave at all,
...but this is who buzen is and what's important to him, and while Itsuki knows he can't protect him the way the other swords can, or help him with his mission... he can do this. he can keep buzen close by following him wherever he goes, and believe in him.]
...Okay. [...] You can't go far if I'm right behind you, right?
[so buzen knows he has to be careful - that he can't get too close to disappearing, if it means that itsuki might disappear too. even now, he's careful with himself... but never at the expense of others. knowing that itsuki is so tied to him is more of a rock than worrying about his own well-being.
so he just lets his mouth meet itsuki's against in a soft but certain kiss.]
[It's a sentiment that they've shared before, and it affects Itsuki the same way. It's the hope that it might just be true, bolstered by what happened in the Prism. Itsuki lingers in the kiss, willing the warmth to discard the last of his fears and doubt, for that earlier intensity to finally abate.]
...I'm sorry.
[...]
I won't lie and say that I wasn't serious because I was. ...But that's why I'm apologizing. ...For trying to keep you.
[for trying to trap buzen in a yandere coma dream]
[ . . . the same way that itsuki can't say that he wasn't serious, buzen can't just say right away that it's alright. in the end, it's not. as much as he loves itsuki, he can't let that love be more important than the mission he was summoned for. and he can't put the gous and roxana in jeopardy just because of that selfishness.]
... I forgive you.
[but at least that much is easy.]
I know you meant well... but I can't accept something like that.
[...Did he mean well? He's not sure. He'd say no if these feelings belonged to someone else, if he had the presence of mind to think about them rationally.
...He doesn't want to ask that question, and have Buzen reassure him with his understanding. He'd rather just listen to him instead, burdened with guilt -- while also cherishing this moment. That Buzen can be upset with him, that he can tell him what he wants, that he's here.]
...Should've known better.
[even in a situation where he did mean well,]
You would have never been happy, even if I tried my best.
... you were feeling scared, right? [at the idea of losing buzen again, once they both went out into the real world. buzen frowns a little, thoughtfully] Sometimes it can probably be hard to think straight, when you're nervous like that.
I like sharing dreams with you, Suki. I'm really glad for your power and how you can help people...
Just harder to manage it for longer periods like that.
[Itsuki nuzzles the palm of Buzen's hand, thinks about how warm it is, and how little Buzen would hesitate if he tried keeping him like that again, and how that too, is a comfort.]
...I don't know how long it would have lasted anyway.
[though at the time, itsuki definitely meant it to last forever?]
There's usually always a way out for the dreamer. That's the deal. [...] So I guess... If anything weird ever happens to me... Like if I wake up with another tattoo and decide to try again...
[he doesn't think it'll happen but he remembers his panda bear tramp stamp era very clearly]
.... if you manage to get affected by one of the Prism's tattoos again at such a distance, I think we'd have other things we'd need to be worried about, Suki.
[THE PRISM IS TOO POWERFUL? WHAT IF JIJI DECIDES HE WANTS TO PLAY WITH IT
[he lets his thumb brush over itsuki's cheek, before placing a kiss to the other side of his face. buzen will go to lay down next to itsuki instead, just so he can comfortably look at him]
Even if I'm not really good at complicated things like that...
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But as much as he thinks he should say no... he doesn't, because he can't resist the pull of Buzen's wants. His movements are hesitant, but he pulls the blanket back so they can both climb in, and then pulls it over them.]
...How's this?
[he's careful not to jostle buzen, rearranging himself so he's next to him.]
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yea he’s just going to wrap his arms around itsuki’s waist and pull him close
impatient…]
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[His name comes out as a sigh. This would be soft and sweet if it were any other moment. It's still both those things, but it's painful too. Painful that Buzen's still holding onto him, even now.
...He curls an arm around Buzen in return, but the other presses against his chest so he can feel his heart beat beneath his fingers. Strong and steady.]
You're gonna have to pinch me to keep me awake, you know.
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[easily. he lets his forehead rest against itsuki's, gaze searching his expression for something that he can understand.]
... tell me what you need?
[even if he can't promise he can give it exactly]
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...I just need you.
[itsuki says, knowing that this is probably part of the PROBLEM!! but it's the most honest answer he can give,]
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[softly. itsuki can probably feel his heartbeat, calm and steady. buzen's own arms tighten around itsuki just a bit, like reaffirming that he's still strong enough to hold onto him.
that he does want to hold onto him, regardless of earlier.]
Everything's going to be okay.
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...But if he's going to try and live in the waking world with the one he loves, then he can't keep taking those steps back. His hand moves from Buzen's back to his front, right over the spot of Buzen's once injury,]
...Can I see? I want to make sure.
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[buzen will shift - just so that there's enough space between them that itsuki can see - and adjust his clothes so that his torso can be seen. smooth, no evidence of even a scar left behind. the benefit of being a sword, really...]
See? Good as new.
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You were bleeding so much.
[the memory is still weighing on him, enough that he can feel his frantic tears from earlier prickle at the corner of his eyes.]
You were dying, and there wasn't anything I could do.
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.... I'm sorry I scared you.
[if he can take a guess at the feeling that probably grips onto itsuki to some extent even now]
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[He can feel both the softness of Buzen's lips, but he can't see his face very well, now that his eyes are getting blurry]
That must be what loving someone is like. At least, it's like that for me.
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... I feel the same way, you know. It's why I didn't want you going on missions in the first place, because I didn't want to open you up to the risk of getting hurt.
It's not that I don't understand your feeling.... I think I understand it really well.
But we said we want to be together, right...?
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[immediately, the words falling out of him in a rush]
...I do. I want to be with you, no matter what or where. I just -- I haven't seen you that injured since... you were dead.
So I panicked. [he laughs without any real mirth,] And when I panic, I always run away from the truth. ...That's why I wanted to keep you with me, in your dream.
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what is he supposed to do, if itsuki's fear is being without him? he frowns thoughtfully before shifting, rolling gently so that he's hovering above itsuki now.
and pressing another kiss to his forehead, the corners of his eyes, slow and sweet]
I'm right here, in front of you, alive and well. That's the truth.
It's okay if you panic... I just have to bring you back, right?
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The panic and fear and guilt knotted in his chest slowly unfurls with every kiss, and the tears at the corners of his eyes finally fall. Itsuki doesn't cry, really. There's no point in crying, not when his whole life was built to cater to others, to soothe their tears. When was the last time...?
At the ferris wheel, in that place Buzen had been in. When he thought he'd really lost him. But he came back, didn't he? Still, the memory weighs on him, and he moves to cradle Buzen's face in his hands,]
Buzen...
[...This is now. Buzen's face, and the warmth of his body.]
...Yeah. I'll follow wherever you go. [the ripple and the wind, whether alive or gone, itsuki knows he'll follow.]
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buzen's expression softens and he shifts just so that he can let his hand cup itsuki's face, brushing away his tears underneath his eye with his thumb... and then pressing a kiss to the trail that it leaves behind. gentle and loving.]
... I won't go far. It'll be alright, Suki.
Believe in me, okay?
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...but this is who buzen is and what's important to him, and while Itsuki knows he can't protect him the way the other swords can, or help him with his mission... he can do this. he can keep buzen close by following him wherever he goes, and believe in him.]
...Okay. [...] You can't go far if I'm right behind you, right?
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[so buzen knows he has to be careful - that he can't get too close to disappearing, if it means that itsuki might disappear too. even now, he's careful with himself... but never at the expense of others. knowing that itsuki is so tied to him is more of a rock than worrying about his own well-being.
so he just lets his mouth meet itsuki's against in a soft but certain kiss.]
We'll keep finding our ways back to each other.
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...I'm sorry.
[...]
I won't lie and say that I wasn't serious because I was. ...But that's why I'm apologizing. ...For trying to keep you.
[for trying to trap buzen in a yandere coma dream]
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... I forgive you.
[but at least that much is easy.]
I know you meant well... but I can't accept something like that.
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...He doesn't want to ask that question, and have Buzen reassure him with his understanding. He'd rather just listen to him instead, burdened with guilt -- while also cherishing this moment. That Buzen can be upset with him, that he can tell him what he wants, that he's here.]
...Should've known better.
[even in a situation where he did mean well,]
You would have never been happy, even if I tried my best.
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I like sharing dreams with you, Suki. I'm really glad for your power and how you can help people...
Just harder to manage it for longer periods like that.
[and unable to leave]
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...I don't know how long it would have lasted anyway.
[though at the time, itsuki definitely meant it to last forever?]
There's usually always a way out for the dreamer. That's the deal. [...] So I guess... If anything weird ever happens to me... Like if I wake up with another tattoo and decide to try again...
[he doesn't think it'll happen but he remembers his panda bear tramp stamp era very clearly]
You can still wake up.
[1/2]
[THE PRISM IS TOO POWERFUL? WHAT IF JIJI DECIDES HE WANTS TO PLAY WITH IT
AWFUL]
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[he lets his thumb brush over itsuki's cheek, before placing a kiss to the other side of his face. buzen will go to lay down next to itsuki instead, just so he can comfortably look at him]
Even if I'm not really good at complicated things like that...
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