[ and for once, he's found easily, in the middle of sheets of paper on the floor, leaning against the wall, ear buds tucked in and eyes shut peacefully as he listens. what he's listening to, well... it's probably not a surprise. to say that leo never listened to music while in the middle of composing is an understatement; everything mingles too much with each other, he'd exclaimed before, frustrated. taking inspiration from a piece you've already done while you're working on something else... the risk of rehashing what you've already done is too much, and it's definitely the worst!
there's only one exception to that. a quiet collaboration, and a song about home, which he'd managed to get vocals recorded and mixed with some minor nudging. he needed it, see, and it definitely helped. when he was alone and worried on his own, when inspiration ran dry — it just burst forth with this. he could call it a song spanning the universe, maybe...? that's a description theatrical enough for him. actually, maybe it'd be more accurate to say that suou—
—oh. speak of the devil, huh? there's a lull in the music when tsukasa speaks out, and it takes a moment to realize that the voice that manages to hit his ears isn't singing lyrics, even as they mesh together as one. he pulls out an earbud, his head tilted lightly in a way that says you've got my attention, smile soft, though his gaze is focused on his sheets...
... until he's noticed the way his name is said is wrong, somehow, that it's dissonant, and then he's pulling out the other earbud and pushing his full focus onto suou.
and the expression he finds isn't one of those that he's fallen in love with, no, though he loves him completely anyway—
—which is why he's quick to gather up the paper beside him, moving it aside in a way that isn't panicked but urgent all the same. a leader's request, no... command, almost; one of those rare moments when his instructions are clear, wordless until he says: ]
Hey. I'm right here.
[ he doesn't start the conversation off with what's wrong, won't ask even if his eyes might be making that concern of his clear... because he figures tsukasa knows that that's on his mind already, that he'll want to know, that even then he won't push any conversation until he's ready.
but that silent support he is offering and will always offer, prompting or not; he's here for tsukasa to collect himself first, as a pillar that won't be used sometimes, and that's fine. it's funny that the disappearing king can say that he's always going to try his best to be here, that someone who ran could be a pillar of anything again, but he'd promised, so... he'd always definitely be here for that, no matter what. ]
[is it bad that Tsukasa knows exactly what Leo's listening to?
is it bad that it makes the feeling in his chest, makes it squeeze his heart almost painfully? please welcome me home, my lord he'd asked that day and Leo hadn't let him down ever since. each and every passing day, the worries had disappeared. Even though Leo had a history of running, even though he would call himself a coward, he'd never been anything but reliable to Tsukasa.
he'd be so very, very good to Tsukasa.
which is probably why in this moment where he feels vulnerable - way too open, too raw, too exposed, too young - it's Leo that he's looking for. and even though Tsukasa had his moments of being a terrible upstart, of minor acts of questioning and defiance, he'd not the type to disobey a direct command from his leader. so he'll take the spot where the papers once were. He'll take his spot next to Leo.
Leo, who is right there, who is patient and kind and infuriating and sometimes makes Tsukasa want to yell and kiss him senseless all in the same annoying breath and -
this weak, confused Tsukasa who can only rest his forehead against Leo's shoulder once he's sitting next to him, hiding his face in an act that's far more childish than he wants to admit but- ]
I know.
[ - but right now he doesn't know left from right, doesn't know what he's supposed to do or what's expected of him.
What he does know is that Leo is Right Here and there's no place Tsukasa would rather be]
[ there's not often silence between them. even when they're not talking, leo sometimes fills the comfortable void with some absent humming, some distant melody that'd built up within him from the time they spent together. one kiss, one note; maybe one whole line, maybe one whole song, just from that.
and even when he's not humming, when he's not talking, leo doesn't spend his time in silence. when he sleeps beside tsukasa, and leo's awake and aiming not to rouse him, he's still running through things in his head. there's still something that bubbles within him and there's still notes and—
—for a moment, right now, there's nothing bubbling, replacing the inspiration that usually flows and flows and flows.
but he wrangles it, and leans his head a tad to the side so he can rest it lightly on tsukasa's.
no talking yet, no explanations, just both their breaths and his quiet waiting and the deafening silence of his worry, that he pushes down. ]
And I love you.
[ he fills the void again. i love you, not in the way he says it to everything, when the inspiration rises up or knights does something he's particularly proud of, as their king; but just i love you, from leo to tsukasa. ]
The words manage to get him to flinch and - he knows that's wrong. He knows that's wrong, but for a solid second, the words felt painful. Even though they're the words that he craves to hear from Leo, the ones that he wants to keep to himself - that he thinks he wouldn't mind hearing over and over because it reminds him that somehow in this weird, ridiculous, unbelievably infinite world, Suou Tsukasa somehow managed to get this insane genius to love him.
how had he managed that?
but there's denying that Tsukasa feels the same - it's a feeling that he's never experienced before, the kind of love that encompasses him, sometimes blinds him, but perpetually hums in the back of his mind. it was on his list of absolute truths: he must serve the Suou family. he must do his best for Knights. he loves Leo.
even when it hurts to do so.
yet it's the one thing that he wants to hold onto now - Leo is the one thing he wants to hold onto now - and he tries. he does. perhaps for a moment he can selfishly run away from his problems and fixate on this. this warm, fleeting, irreplaceable part of his life.]
I might have to go.
[but it is another tenant of the Suou clan to be honest and forthright, isn't it?
he doesn't lift his head from Leo's shoulder, too afraid of what he might see in his beloved leader's eyes]
[ the flinch confuses him, honestly. because in their time together, there's never been flinching; maybe an embarrassed fluster, and it's not like they haven't fought, but in the context of this flinching is such a strong response to something like "i love you", such a token phrase of his, that it makes his heart beat a little more painfully in his chest.
and then the words come, the explanation comes, and he's a little blindsided. he fights it, but unconsciously, leo tenses. "i might have to go", tsukasa says?
go... go? like, leave? was there a place to go outside of knights, outside of leo's vision?
( no, he knows, there is—there's a whole world out there. )
the concept is actually a little ridiculous to him. it doesn't quite register, and his reality usually aligns so well with his dreams, and he keeps both so preciously tucked together, but the implication there is kind of ripping that close connection apart. and the last time that happened, that —
( well, it kind of tore him apart, tore him apart to the point where he's still not really fixed, but he was getting kinda closer to that, he thinks. or maybe it's he thought, and that stupid part of him has to resist the urge to get up and run away from this conversation before it even starts )
— no, no. he doesn't say anything for a little bit, then he moves, lifting his head from his leaning position on suou's and... steels himself to be level about this, to be the leader, yeah? when it came to these kind of emotional matters, he had the bad habit of distancing himself a little bit personally... he didn't want to handle these situations recklessly. he dances around his own emotions.
he raises a hand to his face, covering part of his mouth with a sleeve. ]
Yeah?
[ it's a little taut, muffled by his clothes, but it's level. he's... forcing himself, but he's trying to make it seem like he's not. ]
Like... leaving Knights?
[ it's not accusatory, but sterile. the voice of a leader struggling to remain a leader first. trying to understand why, get the facts about why, suddenly, someone would need to leave home, like he left home— ]
[almost too quickly, Tsukasa lifts his head, breaks the tenuous connection between them even though he was the one who came here searching for that physical touch, but he can't quite help the steel in his voice because:]
You don't get to say it like that.
[Leo of all people doesn't get to say it like that. even if he's trying to be a leader now, it's -
it's not what Tsukasa wants, for once. normally, he'd be excited to have Leo acting properly, trying to put Knights first and think of them as a proper King would. but for once Tsukasa didn't want to talk about this in the perspective of his king, but rather in the lens of someone he loves and someone who loves him but
it really seems like the universe doesn't want to give Tsukasa wants he wants lately, so why did he even hope?
(because Leo is unpredictable, yes, but he's always been there whenever Tsukasa needed him. which is perhaps the greatest irony in this, because for once Leo is still standing right where he always has been and Tsukasa is the one who has to drift away)]
I would never leave Knights by choice - if I had any say in it...! So don't say something so foolish!
[I'm not like you. I don't run when I get scared.]
Of course that's the first thing you would think of....
[ yeah, yeah he knows — he doesn't want to ask, "like leaving... leaving? leaving me?" because that's— that isn't... he's not really prepared for that kind of conversation, because that's his music pulling apart, and even when he's not running away from things he's still kind of running away from them.
and it isn't fair to tsukasa.
"you don't get to say it like that".
right, right, he... really doesn't. and that steel in tsukasa's voice... who would've thought that tsukasa's voice, the one he has on his music player, that he listens to to unravel—would pull him that taut, would give him a lump in his throat that he can't quite navigate through?
that sleeve of his isn't leaving his mouth yet, and even when tsukasa lifts his head, he can't quite find it in himself to meet those eyes for more than a few seconds.
stop, it isn't fair to tsukasa—
he tries again. ]
... Sorry. That was definitely...
[ wrong. less sterile, but still wound up, still trying to seem somewhat put together because... because he's not sure. he just has to.
for tsukasa? maybe for himself, too? ]
... I mean, I know you wouldn't— [ not like i did ] —Since you stayed by this foolish side so long already, right?
[ so why, goes unsaid.
they'd always talked like suou was the one who was going to bring people back, bring leo back, so why would he leave?
Tsukasa almost wishes that he hadn't gotten one. because with the apology, one that he knows is sincere because Leo never bothers to apologize for something he doesn't care about, he already feels the flash of anger starting to leave him. no, he's not leaving Knights... not in the way that Leo did.
but
that doesn't mean that he still gets to stay by Leo's side - it doesn't mean that he gets to stay a Knight. there's a moment of hesitation because... well, had it been a lie? no... he'd said that if he had the choice, he would stay with Knights and he would but the problem here is that
he doesn't know if he possesses that choice. not when he's otherwise trusted his parents with all the parts of his life. so there's a moment where he doesn't know what to do, where he's suspended a little bit in his confusion, like he's trying to figure out what to feel but.... well, the sadness sinks in again before he has much of a say in the matter.]
I don't... I don't want to go.
[and the words sting his pride, his brow furrows and he hopes that he doesn't look as young and lost as he feels (but he does, of course he does]
And I've already tried what I could - whatever I can do, because I don't want to be idle when it comes to something like this? I have been trying, you know, but...
[but. Leo doesn't even know what he's talking about, does he? it takes Tsukasa a second to calm himself, to keep his words from falling out in a torrent, in a rush of thought like Leo is often more wont to do]
But if my parents wish to move to America.... what am I supposed to do, Leader?
[Tsukasa has always been mature for his age - he knows that it's stupid, to think that he should want to derail his family's plans for relocation for... for what? A boy? Love? The family that he had found in Knights and the other type of love he had discovered among them?
but that's the thing with being young - and now, more than ever, did he feel young - everything sort of feels like the end of the world]
[ so... that's what it was? and for a moment leo thinks well, I— don't know, because feeling trapped is the worst, isn't it? because he'd never been pulled between knights and his family, they just kind of always meshed together (enough that there was the bad thing where he sometimes used one to support and distract him over hesitations with the other), and—
—and that's so much further than he was thinking. america, that is. his kingdom is here, tsukasa is supposed to be here, with him, with knights.
(but things change, he knows, and what goes around comes around, so maybe this is some kind of belated karma? )
he swallows the lump in his throat.
swallows the "well, don't go? stay with me of course!" which is simplistic and childish and if that's the answer tsukasa was looking for, he wouldn't have come here. well, he almost swallows that. it comes through, kind of, in the way leo moves when he finally does; when he shifts to allow one of his hands to meet tsukasa's, in the way when he speaks again, it's to say: ]
Calm down, first. It's— not for sure yet, huh? You said might, after all...
But even that is enough to scare him. Even that is enough to rattle him because then - what would all his work for the past year have been for? Trying to find his place in Yumenosaki Academy, somehow managing to establish himself well enough within Knights, and then - well, at that point his home was the one to find him, right? This practice room, the people in it, the person who takes his hand and holds it so carefully.
Tsukasa takes the contact where he can get it, holding onto Leo's hand with his own as his expression remains dim, lost, confused.]
But what if I do?
[which is the opposite of being calm and - Tsukasa is normally the rational one, isn't it? Yet he can't help it. Images flash through his brain - one-way airplane tickets, everything he knows packed up in boxes, the very idea of having to say goodbye for
how long?
Is he foolish enough to think that these ties can cross an ocean?]
Leader, I —
I don't... [his eyes shut, he shakes his head] I'm -
after all they'd talked about, about avoiding situations where this would be a possibility, after all that leo swore that he wouldn't pick up and run off— well, that might be happening anyway? circumstances where suou would have to miss him, miss them all, where everything was kind of split apart with no fault of their own.
that was life, right...?
his thumb dusts absently, back and forth gently, at tsukasa's knuckles. his heart thumps in his ears in a way it hasn't really done, not in a while — but he continues to force himself level regardless.
except he can't. his chest is tight, and the selfish, reckless words he wants to say are spilling from his mouth so easily, because if this is what happens then isn't "honest" what he should be? ]
I know. [ just the thought is enough. ] Hey. I'd miss you too, you know? You're just talking about it, and a part of me is kinda missing you already...?
[ maybe that's silly. but he gets it—the hesitation tsukasa feels, the emotions choking him up.
leo doesn't think that the spark in his chest'd die just because the source of it went far away. he just kind of felt like he found something he wasn't even aware he was waiting for. then again, having found something like that... wouldn't it make more sense to disregard everything else and fight for it?
yet he knows tsukasa — knows his sense of loyalty and responsibility runs deeper than anyone else.
he pauses. it's not hesitation that stops him, but— consideration. organization. wondering what should be said when, but in the end decides to just let everything go, to say what comes when it comes. ]
But it's not like I'd leave or anything if... if you have to go. Don't think just because you're not here physically it's the end of everything here, yeah? I'm the King, so I can definitely say that no matter what — you're always a part of Knights. And me, you know I'm definitely too stubborn to let go of someone who makes my heart beat like this.
[ he's learned.
he came back and grasped what he left and he's never letting go again. even a long, long distance wouldn't stop that; he wouldn't let it.
if tsukasa would let him, it's selfish, but he'd even fight too. ]
It's not something that he's in denial about - he's well aware that he has a tendency to be ambitious to the point of being self-centered, even though he does his best to take notice of how his actions affect the lives of others as well. It's just a matter of fact that Tsukasa will take the things that are offered to him, will seize opportunities and endlessly acclimate good things for himself.
But is he selfish enough to accept this from Leo?
He's not prone to crying over the actions of others - his own inadequacy could at times become too much for him, but he didn't think he'd ever actually shed tears over something that Leo said to him and -
he was wrong.
Tears fill his eyes to the rim without his permission, his throat closing up even as the expression on his face can only be seen as surprise.]
Leader, I... You can't - We can't.....!
[Leo has always amazed Tsukasa, infuriated him too, but always amazed. Always been made up of the stuff of stars and infinities and possibility - even when Tsukasa couldn't understand. Tsukasa's feet have always been right on the ground, too planted to reality.
Which is why this stings.]
You don't get to just... dangle that in front of me - it's not going to work that way.... It's not!
[even if it'll hurt at first, even if tsukasa is pretty sure that he'll never be able to forget someone as impossible and amazing and infuriating and truly exceptional as Leo - he can't be this selfish and idealistic.
he can't believe that Leo would truly wait for him when he might not ever come back
and even if he let himself believe it, it would be too cruel to want it]
[ tsukasa's crying, understandably, and that makes leo want to cry even less. not because it doesn't hurt, because god, of course it hurts, of course seeing anyone under his flag distressed, hurt, even worse when that person is tsukasa, who he likes and loves and loves—
—but rather it makes him want to cry less because the course of action doesn't seem entirely odd to him, doesn't seem unlikely, doesn't seem so outlandish, that it's asking for too much. if that's what the outcome ended up being, if that's what's necessary that's, simply, what he would do.
he'd already lived too long in the consequences of letting things go too easily; he already drowned in what-ifs and i-shouldn't-haves and he doesn't want to do that again.
maybe it wouldn't work out. maybe the dream was a little too out of touch with reality, but it isn't as if leo wouldn't try. so instead of allowing tsukasa's rejection to affect him, he squeezes their interlocked hands, and then he moves. a hand goes up to wipe away any tears that might fall, but really, he just wants to look at tsukasa's face, bring him a little closer. ]
Who says it's not?
[ it's straight to the point—leo's own rejection of whatever plans tsukasa had for a worst-case scenario, whatever reality he'd drawn up.
despite the exasperation was voiced in his direction, or complaints that made themselves known with no degree of subtlety (it's not like leo is subtle on his own, either—they both are far too honest), leo's aware that his own well-being was always something on suou's mind. here, well—that's no exception. ]
"I can't"? Like I said, I'm the King. Telling me what I can or can't do is definitely out of your league.
[ again, that blunt honesty. he doesn't mean it cruelly, but. but he means to show that he's not backing out of this, that tsukasa can just save his breath. ]
Whatever you wanna do to make what you're dealt better, Suo, that's up to you—but if it's me holding you back, forget about that! [ .... ] I've had lots of people waiting for me already. What goes around comes around, and...
[ no more knights waiting for their king;
just a king waiting for a knight, his knight, if he had to. ]
Well, this's still all if, of course... I'm just saying, maybe it's just my time now.
[ and it'd be worth it, just for the possibility that they could meet again like this. ]
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no subject
there's only one exception to that. a quiet collaboration, and a song about home, which he'd managed to get vocals recorded and mixed with some minor nudging. he needed it, see, and it definitely helped. when he was alone and worried on his own, when inspiration ran dry — it just burst forth with this. he could call it a song spanning the universe, maybe...? that's a description theatrical enough for him. actually, maybe it'd be more accurate to say that suou—
—oh. speak of the devil, huh? there's a lull in the music when tsukasa speaks out, and it takes a moment to realize that the voice that manages to hit his ears isn't singing lyrics, even as they mesh together as one. he pulls out an earbud, his head tilted lightly in a way that says you've got my attention, smile soft, though his gaze is focused on his sheets...
... until he's noticed the way his name is said is wrong, somehow, that it's dissonant, and then he's pulling out the other earbud and pushing his full focus onto suou.
and the expression he finds isn't one of those that he's fallen in love with, no, though he loves him completely anyway—
—which is why he's quick to gather up the paper beside him, moving it aside in a way that isn't panicked but urgent all the same. a leader's request, no... command, almost; one of those rare moments when his instructions are clear, wordless until he says: ]
Hey. I'm right here.
[ he doesn't start the conversation off with what's wrong, won't ask even if his eyes might be making that concern of his clear... because he figures tsukasa knows that that's on his mind already, that he'll want to know, that even then he won't push any conversation until he's ready.
but that silent support he is offering and will always offer, prompting or not; he's here for tsukasa to collect himself first, as a pillar that won't be used sometimes, and that's fine. it's funny that the disappearing king can say that he's always going to try his best to be here, that someone who ran could be a pillar of anything again, but he'd promised, so... he'd always definitely be here for that, no matter what. ]
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is it bad that it makes the feeling in his chest, makes it squeeze his heart almost painfully? please welcome me home, my lord he'd asked that day and Leo hadn't let him down ever since. each and every passing day, the worries had disappeared. Even though Leo had a history of running, even though he would call himself a coward, he'd never been anything but reliable to Tsukasa.
he'd be so very, very good to Tsukasa.
which is probably why in this moment where he feels vulnerable - way too open, too raw, too exposed, too young - it's Leo that he's looking for. and even though Tsukasa had his moments of being a terrible upstart, of minor acts of questioning and defiance, he'd not the type to disobey a direct command from his leader. so he'll take the spot where the papers once were. He'll take his spot next to Leo.
Leo, who is right there, who is patient and kind and infuriating and sometimes makes Tsukasa want to yell and kiss him senseless all in the same annoying breath and -
this weak, confused Tsukasa who can only rest his forehead against Leo's shoulder once he's sitting next to him, hiding his face in an act that's far more childish than he wants to admit but- ]
I know.
[ - but right now he doesn't know left from right, doesn't know what he's supposed to do or what's expected of him.
What he does know is that Leo is Right Here and there's no place Tsukasa would rather be]
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and even when he's not humming, when he's not talking, leo doesn't spend his time in silence. when he sleeps beside tsukasa, and leo's awake and aiming not to rouse him, he's still running through things in his head. there's still something that bubbles within him and there's still notes and—
—for a moment, right now, there's nothing bubbling, replacing the inspiration that usually flows and flows and flows.
but he wrangles it, and leans his head a tad to the side so he can rest it lightly on tsukasa's.
no talking yet, no explanations, just both their breaths and his quiet waiting and the deafening silence of his worry, that he pushes down. ]
And I love you.
[ he fills the void again. i love you, not in the way he says it to everything, when the inspiration rises up or knights does something he's particularly proud of, as their king; but just i love you, from leo to tsukasa. ]
no subject
The words manage to get him to flinch and - he knows that's wrong. He knows that's wrong, but for a solid second, the words felt painful. Even though they're the words that he craves to hear from Leo, the ones that he wants to keep to himself - that he thinks he wouldn't mind hearing over and over because it reminds him that somehow in this weird, ridiculous, unbelievably infinite world, Suou Tsukasa somehow managed to get this insane genius to love him.
how had he managed that?
but there's denying that Tsukasa feels the same - it's a feeling that he's never experienced before, the kind of love that encompasses him, sometimes blinds him, but perpetually hums in the back of his mind. it was on his list of absolute truths: he must serve the Suou family. he must do his best for Knights. he loves Leo.
even when it hurts to do so.
yet it's the one thing that he wants to hold onto now - Leo is the one thing he wants to hold onto now - and he tries. he does. perhaps for a moment he can selfishly run away from his problems and fixate on this. this warm, fleeting, irreplaceable part of his life.]
I might have to go.
[but it is another tenant of the Suou clan to be honest and forthright, isn't it?
he doesn't lift his head from Leo's shoulder, too afraid of what he might see in his beloved leader's eyes]
no subject
and then the words come, the explanation comes, and he's a little blindsided. he fights it, but unconsciously, leo tenses. "i might have to go", tsukasa says?
go... go? like, leave? was there a place to go outside of knights, outside of leo's vision?
( no, he knows, there is—there's a whole world out there. )
the concept is actually a little ridiculous to him. it doesn't quite register, and his reality usually aligns so well with his dreams, and he keeps both so preciously tucked together, but the implication there is kind of ripping that close connection apart. and the last time that happened, that —
( well, it kind of tore him apart, tore him apart to the point where he's still not really fixed, but he was getting kinda closer to that, he thinks. or maybe it's he thought, and that stupid part of him has to resist the urge to get up and run away from this conversation before it even starts )
— no, no. he doesn't say anything for a little bit, then he moves, lifting his head from his leaning position on suou's and... steels himself to be level about this, to be the leader, yeah? when it came to these kind of emotional matters, he had the bad habit of distancing himself a little bit personally... he didn't want to handle these situations recklessly. he dances around his own emotions.
he raises a hand to his face, covering part of his mouth with a sleeve. ]
Yeah?
[ it's a little taut, muffled by his clothes, but it's level. he's... forcing himself, but he's trying to make it seem like he's not. ]
Like... leaving Knights?
[ it's not accusatory, but sterile. the voice of a leader struggling to remain a leader first. trying to understand why, get the facts about why, suddenly, someone would need to leave home, like he left home— ]
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You don't get to say it like that.
[Leo of all people doesn't get to say it like that. even if he's trying to be a leader now, it's -
it's not what Tsukasa wants, for once. normally, he'd be excited to have Leo acting properly, trying to put Knights first and think of them as a proper King would. but for once Tsukasa didn't want to talk about this in the perspective of his king, but rather in the lens of someone he loves and someone who loves him but
it really seems like the universe doesn't want to give Tsukasa wants he wants lately, so why did he even hope?
(because Leo is unpredictable, yes, but he's always been there whenever Tsukasa needed him. which is perhaps the greatest irony in this, because for once Leo is still standing right where he always has been and Tsukasa is the one who has to drift away)]
I would never leave Knights by choice - if I had any say in it...! So don't say something so foolish!
[I'm not like you. I don't run when I get scared.]
Of course that's the first thing you would think of....
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and it isn't fair to tsukasa.
"you don't get to say it like that".
right, right, he... really doesn't. and that steel in tsukasa's voice... who would've thought that tsukasa's voice, the one he has on his music player, that he listens to to unravel—would pull him that taut, would give him a lump in his throat that he can't quite navigate through?
that sleeve of his isn't leaving his mouth yet, and even when tsukasa lifts his head, he can't quite find it in himself to meet those eyes for more than a few seconds.
stop, it isn't fair to tsukasa—
he tries again. ]
... Sorry. That was definitely...
[ wrong. less sterile, but still wound up, still trying to seem somewhat put together because... because he's not sure. he just has to.
for tsukasa? maybe for himself, too? ]
... I mean, I know you wouldn't— [ not like i did ] —Since you stayed by this foolish side so long already, right?
[ so why, goes unsaid.
they'd always talked like suou was the one who was going to bring people back, bring leo back, so why would he leave?
( who was going to bring him back? ) ]
no subject
Tsukasa almost wishes that he hadn't gotten one. because with the apology, one that he knows is sincere because Leo never bothers to apologize for something he doesn't care about, he already feels the flash of anger starting to leave him. no, he's not leaving Knights... not in the way that Leo did.
but
that doesn't mean that he still gets to stay by Leo's side - it doesn't mean that he gets to stay a Knight. there's a moment of hesitation because... well, had it been a lie? no... he'd said that if he had the choice, he would stay with Knights and he would but the problem here is that
he doesn't know if he possesses that choice. not when he's otherwise trusted his parents with all the parts of his life. so there's a moment where he doesn't know what to do, where he's suspended a little bit in his confusion, like he's trying to figure out what to feel but.... well, the sadness sinks in again before he has much of a say in the matter.]
I don't... I don't want to go.
[and the words sting his pride, his brow furrows and he hopes that he doesn't look as young and lost as he feels (but he does, of course he does]
And I've already tried what I could - whatever I can do, because I don't want to be idle when it comes to something like this? I have been trying, you know, but...
[but. Leo doesn't even know what he's talking about, does he? it takes Tsukasa a second to calm himself, to keep his words from falling out in a torrent, in a rush of thought like Leo is often more wont to do]
But if my parents wish to move to America.... what am I supposed to do, Leader?
[Tsukasa has always been mature for his age - he knows that it's stupid, to think that he should want to derail his family's plans for relocation for... for what? A boy? Love? The family that he had found in Knights and the other type of love he had discovered among them?
but that's the thing with being young - and now, more than ever, did he feel young - everything sort of feels like the end of the world]
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—and that's so much further than he was thinking. america, that is. his kingdom is here, tsukasa is supposed to be here, with him, with knights.
(but things change, he knows, and what goes around comes around, so maybe this is some kind of belated karma? )
he swallows the lump in his throat.
swallows the "well, don't go? stay with me of course!" which is simplistic and childish and if that's the answer tsukasa was looking for, he wouldn't have come here. well, he almost swallows that. it comes through, kind of, in the way leo moves when he finally does; when he shifts to allow one of his hands to meet tsukasa's, in the way when he speaks again, it's to say: ]
Calm down, first. It's— not for sure yet, huh? You said might, after all...
[ .... ]
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It's a 'maybe'.
But even that is enough to scare him. Even that is enough to rattle him because then - what would all his work for the past year have been for? Trying to find his place in Yumenosaki Academy, somehow managing to establish himself well enough within Knights, and then - well, at that point his home was the one to find him, right? This practice room, the people in it, the person who takes his hand and holds it so carefully.
Tsukasa takes the contact where he can get it, holding onto Leo's hand with his own as his expression remains dim, lost, confused.]
But what if I do?
[which is the opposite of being calm and - Tsukasa is normally the rational one, isn't it? Yet he can't help it. Images flash through his brain - one-way airplane tickets, everything he knows packed up in boxes, the very idea of having to say goodbye for
how long?
Is he foolish enough to think that these ties can cross an ocean?]
Leader, I —
I don't... [his eyes shut, he shakes his head] I'm -
I'd miss you?
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after all they'd talked about, about avoiding situations where this would be a possibility, after all that leo swore that he wouldn't pick up and run off— well, that might be happening anyway? circumstances where suou would have to miss him, miss them all, where everything was kind of split apart with no fault of their own.
that was life, right...?
his thumb dusts absently, back and forth gently, at tsukasa's knuckles. his heart thumps in his ears in a way it hasn't really done, not in a while — but he continues to force himself level regardless.
except he can't. his chest is tight, and the selfish, reckless words he wants to say are spilling from his mouth so easily, because if this is what happens then isn't "honest" what he should be? ]
I know. [ just the thought is enough. ] Hey. I'd miss you too, you know? You're just talking about it, and a part of me is kinda missing you already...?
[ maybe that's silly. but he gets it—the hesitation tsukasa feels, the emotions choking him up.
leo doesn't think that the spark in his chest'd die just because the source of it went far away. he just kind of felt like he found something he wasn't even aware he was waiting for. then again, having found something like that... wouldn't it make more sense to disregard everything else and fight for it?
yet he knows tsukasa — knows his sense of loyalty and responsibility runs deeper than anyone else.
he pauses. it's not hesitation that stops him, but— consideration. organization. wondering what should be said when, but in the end decides to just let everything go, to say what comes when it comes. ]
But it's not like I'd leave or anything if... if you have to go. Don't think just because you're not here physically it's the end of everything here, yeah? I'm the King, so I can definitely say that no matter what — you're always a part of Knights. And me, you know I'm definitely too stubborn to let go of someone who makes my heart beat like this.
[ he's learned.
he came back and grasped what he left and he's never letting go again. even a long, long distance wouldn't stop that; he wouldn't let it.
if tsukasa would let him, it's selfish, but he'd even fight too. ]
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It's not something that he's in denial about - he's well aware that he has a tendency to be ambitious to the point of being self-centered, even though he does his best to take notice of how his actions affect the lives of others as well. It's just a matter of fact that Tsukasa will take the things that are offered to him, will seize opportunities and endlessly acclimate good things for himself.
But is he selfish enough to accept this from Leo?
He's not prone to crying over the actions of others - his own inadequacy could at times become too much for him, but he didn't think he'd ever actually shed tears over something that Leo said to him and -
he was wrong.
Tears fill his eyes to the rim without his permission, his throat closing up even as the expression on his face can only be seen as surprise.]
Leader, I... You can't - We can't.....!
[Leo has always amazed Tsukasa, infuriated him too, but always amazed. Always been made up of the stuff of stars and infinities and possibility - even when Tsukasa couldn't understand. Tsukasa's feet have always been right on the ground, too planted to reality.
Which is why this stings.]
You don't get to just... dangle that in front of me - it's not going to work that way.... It's not!
[even if it'll hurt at first, even if tsukasa is pretty sure that he'll never be able to forget someone as impossible and amazing and infuriating and truly exceptional as Leo - he can't be this selfish and idealistic.
he can't believe that Leo would truly wait for him when he might not ever come back
and even if he let himself believe it, it would be too cruel to want it]
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—but rather it makes him want to cry less because the course of action doesn't seem entirely odd to him, doesn't seem unlikely, doesn't seem so outlandish, that it's asking for too much. if that's what the outcome ended up being, if that's what's necessary that's, simply, what he would do.
he'd already lived too long in the consequences of letting things go too easily; he already drowned in what-ifs and i-shouldn't-haves and he doesn't want to do that again.
maybe it wouldn't work out. maybe the dream was a little too out of touch with reality, but it isn't as if leo wouldn't try. so instead of allowing tsukasa's rejection to affect him, he squeezes their interlocked hands, and then he moves. a hand goes up to wipe away any tears that might fall, but really, he just wants to look at tsukasa's face, bring him a little closer. ]
Who says it's not?
[ it's straight to the point—leo's own rejection of whatever plans tsukasa had for a worst-case scenario, whatever reality he'd drawn up.
despite the exasperation was voiced in his direction, or complaints that made themselves known with no degree of subtlety (it's not like leo is subtle on his own, either—they both are far too honest), leo's aware that his own well-being was always something on suou's mind. here, well—that's no exception. ]
"I can't"? Like I said, I'm the King. Telling me what I can or can't do is definitely out of your league.
[ again, that blunt honesty. he doesn't mean it cruelly, but. but he means to show that he's not backing out of this, that tsukasa can just save his breath. ]
Whatever you wanna do to make what you're dealt better, Suo, that's up to you—but if it's me holding you back, forget about that! [ .... ] I've had lots of people waiting for me already. What goes around comes around, and...
[ no more knights waiting for their king;
just a king waiting for a knight, his knight, if he had to. ]
Well, this's still all if, of course... I'm just saying, maybe it's just my time now.
[ and it'd be worth it, just for the possibility that they could meet again like this. ]