sugarcube | psl || like a ripple that chases the slightest caress of the breeze

... I think some of that can make it scarier. None of them knew what was going on - and it was my first time seeing it myself. I'd only seen a world long after it was already cleared out of all human life.

[so he wouldn't say that he's especially affected...

as for being upset - he frowns at that.

and just lets his hand trail down itsuki's arm, touch light.]

... I'm sorry - for raising my voice. Did I scare you?

[his brow furrows a little at the mention that no one knew what was going on -- but maybe that's because it rarely ever happens? still... there's something about the mission and the abandoned world and the time government that doesn't sit easy with him --

the touch and apology distracts him, and itsuki stops being so hesitant, and instinctively reaches for buzen's hand instead, giving it a reassuring squeeze,]

...I was just surprised. Which, now that I think about it, was pretty stupid of me to be.

...I would have yelled too. [...] I'm sorry, Buzen.

[the touch back gives Buzen permission, he thinks. he gently tugs on Itsuki’s hand to guide him back, closer, so that he can loop his arms around him to hold him gently.

he sighs, because he can’t entirely say that it’s okay. because a lot of what happened wasn’t but…

now isn’t the time for that, he thinks.]

… I forgive you.

We’ll talk about how we handle missions in the future later - but I’m just glad you’re safe.

[...he can't quite manage to say the same thing back to buzen, even if he thinks it in his heart -- his genuine relief that buzen came back to him, temporarily overriding the memory of his fear that buzen wouldn't.

...he can't say it, because buzen wasn't safe -- and a part of that was because of itsuki. because he knows that no matter how many times he wishes buzen to be safe, he won't be. it's not his job to be, and it's not what the mission requires from him.]

...I'm glad you're here.

[he can say that instead.]

[buzen shifts so that he can press his lips against itsuki's cheek, soft and reassuring as he encourages him to lean on him. sure, buzen's been repaired.... but his aches were mostly physical.

he's not sure how itsuki is doing emotionally, and that's a lot more pressing to him. there were things that they disagreed on here, flashes of conflict that they haven't had before, but ultimately it comes down to being able to make it home together. the mission was failed but -

well, it felt like it was already well on its way before they even arrived.

he rubs itsuki's back even as his hand comes up to his hair to gently ease out the hair pin, pressing it back into itsuki's palm, hoping that its warmth and comfort will help him.]

... come on. Let's go to the springs together. I'll help you wash.

[Itsuki peeks at Buzen from underneath the fringe of his bangs, fingers curling around the warmth pulsing in his hand. he looks as if he's searching for something in his face, maybe a trace of the anger buzen should still feel... but he can't quite find it, just feels the warmth from his hand on his back.

...]

...Mm, okay.

[they should wash, unless repairs also make swords squeaky clean... well, itsuki has to anyway, especially with the amount of panicked running he's done. he heads to the springs with buzen, one hand holding his pin, the other tentatively entwined in buzen's up until they get there.

he tucks his pin and clothes away, moving automatically to help buzen with his clothes too. buzen said 'i'll help you wash' but as far as itsuki's concerned this is a group effort?]

[buzen will accept the help as easily as he always does, letting itsuki fold the clothes as he pleases while he goes to check out the rest of the springs. he looks back over his shoulder and easily announces - ]

Looks like everyone else went ahead, so we've got it to ourselves.

[and he'll hold his hand out to itsuki then, in case he'd like to take it. he's still trying to gauge exactly how much itsuki does or doesn't want from him right now, given the tension of things earlier.]

[not both itsuki and buzen like: :( does he want me here

itsuki takes his hand with a smile that's uncertain, but there. it's true he feels hesitant and careful now... but being affectionate with buzen always feels natural. and if buzen holds out his hand to him, then that means he wants to.

itsuki keeps that thought in mind as he follows him deeper into the springs, hands linked.]

Yeah? Guess that makes us lucky then.

[it's the kind of line he'd say at any other time with full ~~horniness~~ confidence, but there's a wry pull to his smile now, a little hesitant once again. a reminder maybe, that he can't pretend that nothing is wrong as easily as he might have once tried to]

Mm, it'll be nice to relax a little.

[ - and that's hopefully what'll happen, right? buzen moves first, slowed only so he doesn't just suddenly yank itsuki along - he's probably slipped and fallen into the hot springs more than once. but he's careful now when he steps in, giving itsuki his hand to hold onto for stability as they settle into the water.

once they find a spot to sit and relax, the steam rising and the warmth of the water up to their shoulders, buzen looks to itsuki again.

itsuki found it hard to meet buzen's eyes, but now buzen looks at him openly, trying to understand his expression. the hesitance and the wryness.]

... do you want to talk about it?

[that should be his line, shouldn't it? if he prioritizes others, then he doesn't have to focus on himself... especially when it's this difficult to look back on what he's done today. still...

doesn't he owe it to buzen to say something?]

...I should have pushed harder in their dreams. [pensive,] Maybe then... things wouldn't have turned out that way.

[maybe the betrayals could have happened the right way then,]

[ . . . he shakes his head at that. his slips his hand free of itsuki's only so that he can loop it around his middle instead, encouraging him closer.]

... it's not your fault.

Of everyone, it's your fault the least.

[ . . . but the heart isn't that simple, right?]

Mm... If you didn't have access to your power, and suddenly had just one dream implying that I would betray you... would you believe it?

[...itsuki leans in closer, his shoulder pressing against buzen's. the corners of his mouth quirk up at the question,]

...No. I can't even imagine it.

[...]

...Maybe if I had a little more time -- or no... Maybe they would never have worked on people like Ishida Mitsunari.

[it takes a certain kind of person to believe in what their dreams bring them,]

[buzen rubs itsuki's back then in slow, reassuring motions.]

... I think if you had a little more time, maybe. Or if we could've framed it a different way.... I think that you can do anything that you put your mind to.

[because itsuki is amazing.]

... but it's almost impossible when. you're dealt a bad hand like we were. Those loyalties never should've been made in the first place. Since we jumped in so late... [he just sighs, shaking his head.]

I think in missions... we all share some of the pain when things go wrong. That's what bonds us. But... I also don't want you to carry guilt that isn't yours. Not when we couldn't have asked anything else of you.

[...can he really do anything? it hurts a little to see the boundless trust buzen has in him,

itsuki glances away for a moment, but he doesn't move away from buzen's hand.]

...I couldn't even do what was asked of me.

[buzen believes he can do anything, but he really couldn't do a single thing. ...he can't tell if he's sorry that he couldn't do it, or he's sorry that he had to be asked,]

Even if the mission itself wasn't my fault -- what happened... [he sighs too, softer] I'm still responsible.

[ . . . . his brow furrows a little at that because he... can't entirely disagree. itsuki did disobey. more than once.

hyuuga is still unconscious from blood loss. buzen nearly passed out himself from the same thing. swords are always meant to take injuries before humans - but this feels preventable.

he would've done the same thing every time, to keep itsuki from getting hurt.

but why did it come to that?]

... what happened - while I was gone?

The others wanted to move farther away from the battle, but I wanted to wait until you came back.

[...did he think buzen wouldn't? buzen who trusts itsuki, and itsuki who apparently can't manage to do the same.]

Then the soldiers saw us and I ran with Hyuuga-kun. But then I heard one of them mention you, and I saw the archers getting ready. So I attacked them instead.

[ . . . itsuki attacked them, even though hyuuga was gesturing for the safety of getting out of sight. but itsuki attacked them, because he wanted to help save buzen. and itsuki delayed their escape from the battlefield, because he wanted to see buzen.

there's a slight tension in his body at that, and he lets his gaze drift over to the rising steam. the coils of warmth turn visible against the evening air, and continue to drift upward toward the darkness of the night. he counts some stars as he gathers his thoughts.]

... I've heard of it before.

Swords not following the mission, because their hearts led them somewhere else. It happened at Mt. Atsukashi. Even Kotegiri acted on his own, trying to save Ina when others thought it'd be faster to break him. Things like that.

[ . . . ]

I guess I shouldn't have expected you to be able to follow the mission like a sword - when even we falter.

[...it'd be nice if he could be more like a sword.

it's not the first time itsuki's had the thought, but he's never really seriously ruminated on it. he doesn't have to be a sword to fight well, or to be someone buzen can reliably depend on, or be trusted to take care of himself. those aren't limited to swords.

he just feels it more now, especially after this mission.]

...I'm sorry. [he barely keeps himself from saying 'you're more important to me than the mission is', because itsuki knows it'll just hurt buzen to hear it. it won't fix anything, and it might make things worse,

even if it's the truth]

I know that regretting it now won't change anything. But I do regret it. I wish Hyuuga-kun and you didn't get hurt. It shouldn't have been him or you.

[if anything, he should have reaped the consequences of his own choices.]

[ . . . ]

It shouldn't have been anyone.

[because he can hear it - the way that itsuki almost implies 'it should have been me'. but that's the thing, swords are fairly good at these situations. getting hurt is common, but injuries of that extent - to become a shield rather than a weapon - are less so. but he doesn't linger on that, not really.

he shakes his head quietly and then turns his head so that he can press his lips against itsuki's forehead. it's a firm, and certain kiss, like trying to leave the imprint of his affection against his skin.]

... I'm going forgive you, very soon. [he hasn't. not entirely. not yet. probably when hyuuga wakes up. when buzen will be able to see that none of this was permanent. not for them. and he gives a reminder - ] I don't love you any less.

[important, in case itsuki is worried that the anger could eat away at any of that.]

... I'm always going to come back to you. So please trust me a little more, and trust the others that they won't lead you away from me either.

[ . . . ]

I expected them to move you from that site - it was too close to the battlefield for everyone. I expected you to go with them, and I'd have found you somewhere else away from the fighting.

If we're going to do this again - [if itsuki is going to come on missions] - I need you to follow directions, so it's easier for me to come back to you.

[itsuki presses his hand against buzen's arm, idly tracing the place where ishida mitsunari's blade bit into his flesh. there's not even a hint of a scar, but itsuki imprints it on his mind anyway. every hurt he's responsible for, even if he hadn't wielded the blade himself.

buzen might not hold it against him, but itsuki's always been good at blaming himself. buzen doesn't love him any less, but itsuki can hate himself for it in his stead. buzen kisses him on the forehead out of love, but itsuki grabs hold of him anyway, fumbling for an excuse. that he was shaken by the fighting, by the way the mission was going, and if those things hadn't happened, then he'd have never disobeyed --

he's silent for a long moment instead. can they do this again? should he go on a mission? he wanted to go because the waiting felt terrible, because he thought anything would be better than not seeing buzen, but

going on a mission and losing buzen might actually be worse,]

...Sorry. [he finally says,] -- sorry, I just need a moment.

[to breathe, if this was a dream then he'd be below the surface by now, drowning. he moves closer to buzen instead, circling his arms around him,]

[as itsuki grabs onto him and moves closer, buzen's response to that is automatic. he shifts, disturbing the water around them and deciding that's perfectly fine, so that he can welcome itsuki closer into his arms. he guides itsuki right onto his lap, as close as he can be, so that buzen's arms can encircle around him entirely instead and his head can bow in to be closer to itsuki's.

softly - ]

You don't need to say sorry anymore, and not for this. It's okay.

[itsuki can say sorry for what he did - for the choices that he made - but not for needing buzen, or wanting to look for comfort.]

I've got you. You can take as long as you need.

[he's close enough that he can feel buzen's heartbeat on his skin, warm and steady. itsuki avoids thinking about the possibility of losing that, instead he focuses on the rhythm -- matches his breathing to it, until he finds some semblance of calm again.

so that he can make a decision.]

...I want to go with you.

[quietly, and he inches his chin forward so that his voice isn't muffled against buzen's shoulder,]

I'll trust you more, and I'll follow directions.

[...]

But... please don't prioritize me if you're the one who's hurt. And -- don't ask me to leave you behind.

[ . . . hmmm. buzen can agree to most of this. but he grows a little quiet at the final point - even though he understands the sentiment behind it. they don't leave comrades behind.

it is so important to bring everyone home.

even his time with kiyomitsu and yasusada proved that to him.]

... sometimes I'll need you to go ahead.

[he presses a soft kiss to itsuki's cheek then. not 'leave me behind' but 'go first' - is that enough of a distinction?]

I can't be at my best if I'm worried you're not safe - but as long as you're close to me, I'll want to check that you're safe.

Can I ask you to go ahead sometimes, just until I can make it back to you?

[...

just the fact that buzen makes that distinction shows that he wants to fulfill itsuki's (needy) need, and a part of itsuki appreciates that]

As long as you ask.

[...]

Don't leave me without saying it. ...I know you'll come back, but... I want to remember those words until you do.

[it's just his selfishness. to want more than a text. even while knowing that it wasn't buzen's fault itsuki was sleeping during that night. knowing that it's not buzen's fault if buzen chooses to leave for the sake of someone else he cares for.]

Okay. Then I'll promise - so that I'll ask in the future, and remember to say it so that you have something to hold onto until I make it back to you. And I'll always make it back to you.

[if that's what itsuki needs - to have it said so clearly, in a way that buzen understands and can also agree to - then he will answer it as much as he can. he presses more kisses to itsuki's face then, against his cheek, along his jaw, by the corners of his eyes.]

Is there anything else you'd need from me?

So that we can do everything we can to keep each other safe in the future?

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