[ - because he thinks he can see it now, in the cracks of what itsuki's saying. the sincerity of his feelings, motivated by wanting buzen to be safe. it's sweet and determined, especially over something that buzen is so willing to give up at any moment.
itsuki has always cared about keeping buzen safe more than buzen ever has - but he thinks that's another way to show that you love someone, isn't it?
he squeezes itsuki's hands, firm and grounding.]
I want us to have the up's and down's of what happens in the world outside of dreams - I want us to exist in the waking world. I'll be with you there, too. And if something happens to me, I'll try to find you again.
I can't exist only in a dream, Suki... You're the one who made me want to be real - let's not throw that away now.
What can he possibly say to that? What can he possibly say when he was the one who told Buzen that he'd be happy if Buzen wanted more things, that he'd learn to be a little less jealous every time.
He's not sure if he's achieved that. He still feels a longing for that imperfect solution, to keep Buzen with him always, and to leave a world where they'll eventually lose each other behind.
But if it's the world Buzen wants to live in, then... If it's the world where Buzen's real, then... Itsuki stops smiling, lets the misery show in his expression. Love can really be this painful, even now, he's surprised by it.]
I would have made it perfect -- just for you. [but it's not what buzen wants, and maybe it's not even what itsuki wants.
he brings buzen's hands up, presses his mouth to his knuckles.]
...Close your eyes.
[It's time to wake up. Though it's a sign too -- that Buzen will need to trust him to do just that.]
... I know you would have, but I think we should leave that for shared nights only.
[he doesn't want to be stuck here - he doesn't believe in that kind of half-baked living.
so he just leans upward to press his lips to itsuki's forehead. they'll still have to talk about this, he thinks. they'll have to discuss this strange urge that's overtaking itsuki in his moment of weakness and fear... but he can't accept it.]
See you soon.
[in the waking world.
because there's no hesitation in the way that buzen closes his eyes afterward, still trusting itsuki entirely and without reservation]
[...Looking at Buzen like this is just another temptation, so Itsuki closes his eyes as well and concentrates on the feel of Buzen's hands in his.
Normally, Itsuki tugs the dreamer out of their dreams -- slowly and softly, with just enough time for them to adjust. This time, he curls his fist around it and yanks -- hard and abrupt. He doesn't give himself enough time to ponder or linger. He just ends it. One moment they're both in the dream, and the next their eyes are flying open, suddenly awake.
The gous immediately clamor in relieved voices at Buzen's bedside. Itsuki slowly climbs to his feet and turns to Buzen, faintly aware that someone must have moved him to a more comfortable position while he'd been dreaming. The gesture only makes the knot in his heart tighten, makes the furrow in his brow deeper as he looks down at Buzen in the waking world.]
[it's better when things are done quickly. buzen, who always wants to be the fastest, accepts being yanked out of the dream - and laughs faintly when the others gather close to them. he reaches out for their hovering hands, taking one set at a time and giving them a reassuring squeeze.
their unofficial leader is, somehow, okay. he'll glance over at itsuki when he asks, and smiles easily, as though nothing went wrong in their little dreamscape]
Good! Aruji did a good job fixing me up but - well, that's to be expected, right?
So I'm okay. Maybe a little hungry?
[ - which does prompt the other gous to immediately fuss over who's going to get them all something to eat. buzen laughs at the ruckus, bright and fond.
he won't be the one to reveal that itsuki nearly kidnapped them all, apparently]
[Maybe Buzen should be? Maybe he should spill the beans!!!
Itsuki tucks a wayward strand of hair from Buzen's face, the motion instinctive... only to look at the red still staining his fingers. He pulls his hand back.]
...I should clean up.
[then to Buzen, as well as the other gous]
I'll be back, so don't wait for me.
[He'll come back! Surely! He will! He'll just take his time... Maybe a long time....... He's already moving to the door and slipping out of the room, thinks about the irony of being the one to leave when he'd wanted to keep Buzen with him. But isn't that just like him?]
for now, buzen watches him go. he and the other gous share concerned looks, before he ultimately shakes his head and offers a smile. a simple 'I'll find him later, he probably just needs a second' and ultimately all the gous can agree well enough that buzen is probably the best equipped to handle itsuki.
so they continue to remain with him, fussing. kuwana goes to get them a bite to eat, including a serving for itsuki. he tells the other swords around the citadel that if they see itsuki wandering by, they should let him know that he has a plate of food waiting for him at the shared gous room.
buzen continues to rest, and wait - but if itsuki takes too long, he'll probably shift right out of bed and go to start looking for him. yan boyfriend doko?]
[imagine i said he already went to sleep like a BIG BABY because buzen said NO to being trapped in a dream FOREVER,
but no, he's in the hallway leading away from the baths, dressed in a robe with his hair still loose and wet. He looks startled when Buzen materializes around the corner, then frantic --]
-- Buzen! You...
[...Though some of that fear fades as Itsuki remembers that swords are not required to stay in bed for long periods of time after fatal injuries... He forces down the panic, and slowly approaches him instead. A little weakly,]
Itsuki doesn't answer right away, he's too busy being yan looking Buzen over with the practiced eye of someone who spends almost all of his time looking at Buzen, so he thinks that at this point he can tell if his boyfriend isn't in the best shape? He frowns.]
...You need to rest. Come on.
[is their room nearby? well, he takes Buzen's hand in his anyway -- gently, just firm enough to tug him after him -- with the intention of leading him to their room since it's close by ig]
Itsuki continues ignoring what Buzen said in favor of laying out the futon for him, and then holding out his hands to help remove Buzen's uniform. He has one of Buzen's spare nightgowns in the drawer too! Sometimes, you just have to be that well-prepared.]
[but! he understands what itsuki is trying to do? so buzen will accept changing out of his uniform, and then slipping on his spare comfy clothes - but before he just gets shoved onto the futon, he'll reach out to take itsuki's hand in his own]
[...Itsuki stills at the touch, looking down at Buzen's hand. He lifts his other hand from where he'd been folding Buzen's uniform, and gently places it over Buzen's. A concession, maybe. Or just an excuse to touch him.]
I just washed, but I'll get drowsy again if I eat right now.
But as much as he thinks he should say no... he doesn't, because he can't resist the pull of Buzen's wants. His movements are hesitant, but he pulls the blanket back so they can both climb in, and then pulls it over them.]
...How's this?
[he's careful not to jostle buzen, rearranging himself so he's next to him.]
[His name comes out as a sigh. This would be soft and sweet if it were any other moment. It's still both those things, but it's painful too. Painful that Buzen's still holding onto him, even now.
...He curls an arm around Buzen in return, but the other presses against his chest so he can feel his heart beat beneath his fingers. Strong and steady.]
You're gonna have to pinch me to keep me awake, you know.
[softly. itsuki can probably feel his heartbeat, calm and steady. buzen's own arms tighten around itsuki just a bit, like reaffirming that he's still strong enough to hold onto him.
that he does want to hold onto him, regardless of earlier.]
[If he closes his eyes just like this, surrounded by the sound of Buzen's heartbeat and the warmth of those arms encircling him, then maybe he could pretend that everything earlier was just a dream.
...But if he's going to try and live in the waking world with the one he loves, then he can't keep taking those steps back. His hand moves from Buzen's back to his front, right over the spot of Buzen's once injury,]
[buzen will shift - just so that there's enough space between them that itsuki can see - and adjust his clothes so that his torso can be seen. smooth, no evidence of even a scar left behind. the benefit of being a sword, really...]
[There's no wound, which means Itsuki carefully traces the memory of it across Buzen's skin instead. Would Buzen be concerned about his injuries if they couldn't be healed just like that? Or would he just be his usual self, and carry as many wounds ad possible, regardless?]
You were bleeding so much.
[the memory is still weighing on him, enough that he can feel his frantic tears from earlier prickle at the corner of his eyes.]
You were dying, and there wasn't anything I could do.
[given that buzen didn't even use the healing pod in the prism - there's some part of him that clearly just doesn't care if he gets injured. it happens. he's still as he lets itsuki trace against his skin, but he presses another kiss to his forehead shortly afterward]
.... I'm sorry I scared you.
[if he can take a guess at the feeling that probably grips onto itsuki to some extent even now]
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[ - because he thinks he can see it now, in the cracks of what itsuki's saying. the sincerity of his feelings, motivated by wanting buzen to be safe. it's sweet and determined, especially over something that buzen is so willing to give up at any moment.
itsuki has always cared about keeping buzen safe more than buzen ever has - but he thinks that's another way to show that you love someone, isn't it?
he squeezes itsuki's hands, firm and grounding.]
I want us to have the up's and down's of what happens in the world outside of dreams - I want us to exist in the waking world. I'll be with you there, too. And if something happens to me, I'll try to find you again.
I can't exist only in a dream, Suki... You're the one who made me want to be real - let's not throw that away now.
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[...
What can he possibly say to that? What can he possibly say when he was the one who told Buzen that he'd be happy if Buzen wanted more things, that he'd learn to be a little less jealous every time.
He's not sure if he's achieved that. He still feels a longing for that imperfect solution, to keep Buzen with him always, and to leave a world where they'll eventually lose each other behind.
But if it's the world Buzen wants to live in, then... If it's the world where Buzen's real, then... Itsuki stops smiling, lets the misery show in his expression. Love can really be this painful, even now, he's surprised by it.]
I would have made it perfect -- just for you. [but it's not what buzen wants, and maybe it's not even what itsuki wants.
he brings buzen's hands up, presses his mouth to his knuckles.]
...Close your eyes.
[It's time to wake up. Though it's a sign too -- that Buzen will need to trust him to do just that.]
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[he doesn't want to be stuck here - he doesn't believe in that kind of half-baked living.
so he just leans upward to press his lips to itsuki's forehead. they'll still have to talk about this, he thinks. they'll have to discuss this strange urge that's overtaking itsuki in his moment of weakness and fear... but he can't accept it.]
See you soon.
[in the waking world.
because there's no hesitation in the way that buzen closes his eyes afterward, still trusting itsuki entirely and without reservation]
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Normally, Itsuki tugs the dreamer out of their dreams -- slowly and softly, with just enough time for them to adjust. This time, he curls his fist around it and yanks -- hard and abrupt. He doesn't give himself enough time to ponder or linger. He just ends it. One moment they're both in the dream, and the next their eyes are flying open, suddenly awake.
The gous immediately clamor in relieved voices at Buzen's bedside. Itsuki slowly climbs to his feet and turns to Buzen, faintly aware that someone must have moved him to a more comfortable position while he'd been dreaming. The gesture only makes the knot in his heart tighten, makes the furrow in his brow deeper as he looks down at Buzen in the waking world.]
...How do you feel?
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their unofficial leader is, somehow, okay. he'll glance over at itsuki when he asks, and smiles easily, as though nothing went wrong in their little dreamscape]
Good! Aruji did a good job fixing me up but - well, that's to be expected, right?
So I'm okay. Maybe a little hungry?
[ - which does prompt the other gous to immediately fuss over who's going to get them all something to eat. buzen laughs at the ruckus, bright and fond.
he won't be the one to reveal that itsuki nearly kidnapped them all, apparently]
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Itsuki tucks a wayward strand of hair from Buzen's face, the motion instinctive... only to look at the red still staining his fingers. He pulls his hand back.]
...I should clean up.
[then to Buzen, as well as the other gous]
I'll be back, so don't wait for me.
[He'll come back! Surely! He will! He'll just take his time... Maybe a long time....... He's already moving to the door and slipping out of the room, thinks about the irony of being the one to leave when he'd wanted to keep Buzen with him. But isn't that just like him?]
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for now, buzen watches him go. he and the other gous share concerned looks, before he ultimately shakes his head and offers a smile. a simple 'I'll find him later, he probably just needs a second' and ultimately all the gous can agree well enough that buzen is probably the best equipped to handle itsuki.
so they continue to remain with him, fussing. kuwana goes to get them a bite to eat, including a serving for itsuki. he tells the other swords around the citadel that if they see itsuki wandering by, they should let him know that he has a plate of food waiting for him at the shared gous room.
buzen continues to rest, and wait - but if itsuki takes too long, he'll probably shift right out of bed and go to start looking for him. yan boyfriend doko?]
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but no, he's in the hallway leading away from the baths, dressed in a robe with his hair still loose and wet. He looks startled when Buzen materializes around the corner, then frantic --]
-- Buzen! You...
[...Though some of that fear fades as Itsuki remembers that swords are not required to stay in bed for long periods of time after fatal injuries... He forces down the panic, and slowly approaches him instead. A little weakly,]
...Did you already finish eating?
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he doesn't seem too woozy or light-headed, instead just giving itsuki an easygoing smile]
Yeah. Kuwa got a plate for you too, if you're feeling hungry at all. Do you feel better now?
[if he's all cleaned up?
if he's still yan that's fine too ig]
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Itsuki doesn't answer right away, he's too busy being
yanlooking Buzen over with the practiced eye of someone who spends almost all of his time looking at Buzen, so he thinks that at this point he can tell if his boyfriend isn't in the best shape? He frowns.]...You need to rest. Come on.
[is their room nearby? well, he takes Buzen's hand in his anyway -- gently, just firm enough to tug him after him -- with the intention of leading him to their room since it's close by ig]
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... did you hear me...
[ITSUKI JUST IGNORED EVERYTHING HE SAID]
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Itsuki continues ignoring what Buzen said in favor of laying out the futon for him, and then holding out his hands to help remove Buzen's uniform. He has one of Buzen's spare nightgowns in the drawer too! Sometimes, you just have to be that well-prepared.]
Here, change into this.
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[but! he understands what itsuki is trying to do? so buzen will accept changing out of his uniform, and then slipping on his spare comfy clothes - but before he just gets shoved onto the futon, he'll reach out to take itsuki's hand in his own]
Suki.
Talk to me instead of just at me, please?
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I just washed, but I'll get drowsy again if I eat right now.
[drowsy, and then sleepy...]
I'll eat later, promise.
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... okay.
Come rest with me then?
[even if he won't eat, if he's going to confine buzen to bed rest, he's going to want to have itsuki near....]
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But as much as he thinks he should say no... he doesn't, because he can't resist the pull of Buzen's wants. His movements are hesitant, but he pulls the blanket back so they can both climb in, and then pulls it over them.]
...How's this?
[he's careful not to jostle buzen, rearranging himself so he's next to him.]
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yea he’s just going to wrap his arms around itsuki’s waist and pull him close
impatient…]
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[His name comes out as a sigh. This would be soft and sweet if it were any other moment. It's still both those things, but it's painful too. Painful that Buzen's still holding onto him, even now.
...He curls an arm around Buzen in return, but the other presses against his chest so he can feel his heart beat beneath his fingers. Strong and steady.]
You're gonna have to pinch me to keep me awake, you know.
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[easily. he lets his forehead rest against itsuki's, gaze searching his expression for something that he can understand.]
... tell me what you need?
[even if he can't promise he can give it exactly]
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...I just need you.
[itsuki says, knowing that this is probably part of the PROBLEM!! but it's the most honest answer he can give,]
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[softly. itsuki can probably feel his heartbeat, calm and steady. buzen's own arms tighten around itsuki just a bit, like reaffirming that he's still strong enough to hold onto him.
that he does want to hold onto him, regardless of earlier.]
Everything's going to be okay.
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...But if he's going to try and live in the waking world with the one he loves, then he can't keep taking those steps back. His hand moves from Buzen's back to his front, right over the spot of Buzen's once injury,]
...Can I see? I want to make sure.
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[buzen will shift - just so that there's enough space between them that itsuki can see - and adjust his clothes so that his torso can be seen. smooth, no evidence of even a scar left behind. the benefit of being a sword, really...]
See? Good as new.
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You were bleeding so much.
[the memory is still weighing on him, enough that he can feel his frantic tears from earlier prickle at the corner of his eyes.]
You were dying, and there wasn't anything I could do.
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.... I'm sorry I scared you.
[if he can take a guess at the feeling that probably grips onto itsuki to some extent even now]
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