sugarcube | psl || like a ripple that chases the slightest caress of the breeze

[Itsuki listens, a genuine smile tugging at his lips as Buzen finishes one story and starts another. The messages were nice (the string of 'vibe emojis' just as adorable), but it's even better to stand here and converse with Buzen.

Even better to see his injuries fade. (DO HIS CLOTHES GET FIXED TOO DANA??? IM THINKING OF THE AWAKENING ART). Would it be too much to admit that he's jealous of Baruji... no, because he's basically jealous of everyone, it would be weirder to say that he's not??? but it's fine, he's grateful...

it's evident in the way he sincerely thanks baruji, and then draws Buzen close so he can kiss him, running a hand over the now unmarked skin on his previously injured arm,]

...How do you feel? I can get you something if you're hungry.

[the idea of his clothes also getting magically fixed is so fucking weird yaywon i don't want to think about it. like why does that even happen i hate touken ranbu

also is he kissing him in front of baruji, imagine how weird it is to be a master who summoned these swords and having to watch one get smooched in front of you it's so strange

buzen doesn't seem to care one way or another though! he leans into the kiss and laughs a little]

I'm way better! [he's already stretching out again, like he's happy to have his full mobility back....] Maybe we can go and grab something to eat, though?

[DONT ASK ME IM LOSING MY MIND WHY IS TOUKEN RANBU FILLED WITH SO MANY JON LEMONS,

and yeah Itsuki's kissing him in front of Baruji. Baruji like i have forty swords to worry about who are all loyal to me and depend on me for their continued existence and Itsuki like i know all of this and yet i want to stake a claim on Buzen anyway, the baruji really has to put up with this,]

Alright, I can apologize to Shuu-kun while we're there...

[Itsuki glances down at his slightly bloodied yukata, and then the palm of his hand where he'd been gripping said bloody yukata,]

I should probably get cleaned up first though.

[DON'T ASK ME EITHER I'VE BEEN HERE FOR SO LONG AND IT'S ALL STUPID!!!!!

but buzen just nods at that before waving at baruji - ] Then we'll see you later, Aruji! Thanks again! Our Captain will be quick about giving you a report, I'm sure.

[buzen's not on report duty.... so he'll just move to stand up then, reclaiming his sword from his master so that he can re-tie it at his waist. he'll reach out for itsuki's hand again though, not really caring too much about the blood... that's so par for the course for a sword. buzen doesn't even mind much that it's his.]

Let's get going.

[(buzen cheetah voice) a little blood please and thank you,

Itsuki will follow along readily enough, squeezing back despite the blood. He'll only let go once he's back in his room to change, otherwise he sticks close to Buzen the entire time, as if he's making up for those two months.

and maybe he is, with how attached he is to him. he'll at least let Buzen eat unimpeded -- he might try feeding him once or twice -- but otherwise he stays next to him, watching him all the while. once they're done, he takes his hands in his again,]

I missed this. ...I missed you.

[yea a little blood is fine!!

buzen honestly digs into his food, and also leans into it perfectly easily when itsuki offers to feed him. food is also a benefit of this body? he never got to taste this much before... but he smiles when itsuki takes his hands.

it's automatic to lift them up so that he can press kisses to the backs of itsuki's knuckles, soft and sweet.]

Missed you, too. It probably felt like a while, huh...

[at least by human standards? buzen spent a month in the graveyard and didn't think it was that long... the hard part was the fact that itsuki didn't seem to realize that he was alive all the while. so this feels - easier? since they could still talk the whole time...

but he knows just as well that nothing will replace the feeling of being next to the one you care for.]

[Itsuki smiles at the kiss, though it turns a little sheepish as he considers his next words.]

I thought I could handle it better this time.

[since he knew that a.) buzen was alive and b.) that he'd see him again. both of these things helped in the interval, but... he thinks about their brief conversation in the repairs room, about how he'd come to that decision during that first month]

But I've learned that I hate being separated from you, no matter what.

[ . . . hmmm. buzen's expression turns contemplative at that. so itsuki really did change his mind about their separation, huh.

there's an instinct that buzen has to be understanding. two months means something else to humans - and what if it took longer than two months next time? what if it was half a year? an entire year? three? would it really be fair to itsuki, when he came to this citadel to spend time with buzen and kiyomitsu and yasusada?

how many of those human years could they spend apart altogether if itsuki didn't come with him on missions?]

... it's not that easy, Suki.

[ . . .

how many years could be cut short if itsuki lost his life on a mission?

would that really be any better?]

[Itsuki's gaze darts away, just for a second, before landing on Buzen's contemplative expression. That means he's thinking about it, right? And if he's thinking about it...

He has to restrain his urge to hold him -- it'd feel a little too much like trying to get his way through alternative means, so he stays in place -- holding Buzen's hands instead. his voice is hopeful in response, gently coaxing]

...Tell me what isn't.

[because he wants to talk about it, even though he's afraid there might not be much to talk about, that there might be no way to argue against a definite truth.]

You wanting to come with me.

[because that's it - that's the heart of the matter, right? buzen isn't very smart, but he can tend to build an understanding around certain people. and itsuki has always made it clear what he wants. it's made him all the easier to buzen to understand.

to the point that now, buzen thinks he can make assumptions like this fairly confidently. itsuki doesn't want to be apart from him anymore, even for missions. he doesn't want to deal with being left behind.

buzen understands that - he does. he wishes he could give itsuki what he wants, but.

he squeezes his hands.]

... I don't think you know what you're asking for. Not entirely. Being with me is one thing - being with me on a mission is another.

Because I might get hurt?

[he hates that there's a distinction in the first place. he wants to be with buzen in all things. he'd as much admitted this part to Buzen before, and he'd had accepted him, but... there's a sudden fear too -- that Buzen might change his mind,

and yet, Itsuki finds that he wants to keep pushing, just a little more]

...Or is it because you don't want me to see what it's like?

[he's pieced together what missions mean -- and he thinks he's assembled a broad picture. the problem lies in the details,]

Both of those things.

[that's not hard to explain. buzen intertwines his fingers with itsuki's, as if it'll offer him any reassurance in the slightest.]

It's dangerous, and you could get hurt. We protect humans sometimes but... sometimes we don't make it in time. If something happened to you, because you wanted to be with me, I...

[he doesn't know if he could handle it. he's prepared for itsuki to die one day - all humans do. but by natural causes, or something out of their control perhaps. the idea that buzen could speed along the process... it's the one way he never wants to be fast.]

Or if you do have to defend yourself - I don't want your hands to be so bloody. If you've never seen war, I don't want that to change because of me. I'm not reason enough.

[and he says it so confidently, so certainly - he doesn't think itsuki completely understands the measure of peace he'd be sacrificing.]

[these are very good reasons, because they're all true. it's dangerous, he could get hurt, and he's never seen war with his own eyes before... but his brows furrow at that last one, and his grip tightens on Buzen's gloved hands]

You are. [it's a certainty that would match Buzen's if Itsuki really knew what he was asking for,

but it's fine, because all he needs to focus on is buzen,]

You're the reason I want to be here, and the reason why I want to go with you. That's all I need.

[ . . .

it's hard to say if he thinks that's true. buzen knows how much love means to itsuki - he thinks he understands a little himself how much itsuki means to him. buzen would kill anyone if something happened to him. but... buzen is a sword.

he will always kill.

what does it mean that itsuki would sacrifice the peace he's always known for him? to accept being in danger and losing his life, just to be close to buzen? does he really understand what any of that means without going onto the frontlines himself?]

... I love you, Suki. I don't want you to have to ever want for anything. But if I lose you, I'll never forgive myself.

[softly, but certainly

. . . he just pulls one hand a way just to run it through his hair, aggravated. in the end...]

... so we'll just have to keep that from happening, right?

[buzen still doesn't know how to put his own wants ahead of itsuki's.]

[there's immediate elation, tempered by the guilt that runs through him when Buzen ruffles his hair. a part of him wants to take it back right away. it's rare to see Buzen look so troubled... it's not an expression Itsuki likes to see on him.

but the weight of those two months is still fresh in his mind. the selfish part of him whispers 'i'd rather to get see buzen like this, then not at all']

I promise I'll work hard.

[maybe he can borrow some of Buzen's effortless confidence here, which isn't difficult to do. he believes in buzen when he says he'll always keep him safe, he's never seen any evidence to the contrary. he slides his hand under Buzen's chin to turn his face towards him, then cups his face]

I won't give you any reason to worry -- or to even think that you'll lose me.

[ . . . buzen knows that it's not simple.

when itsuki holds onto his face, he goes with the pull easily. but there is a glimpse of something that he's too slow to hide - doesn't think to, at first. a quiet type of resignation. not of losing itsuki in particular, but in knowing that the human life is fleeting and can slip through your fingers at any point. the level of comfort that buzen has with death perhaps not unique to swords, but it permeates the core of his being a little more.

since his first mission when death was all around, and all he could do was accept it. because that's history.]

.... it's really not that simple.

[but he doesn't think itsuki will understand until he's standing at the edge of a massacre, shouldering the full weight of what they do. how could buzen expect him to accept it when he's only known peace? he wishes that he could talk itsuki out of it - know the right words to say to dissuade him from it.

but he supposes it's just one more way that he can't protect someone.

he leans in to press his mouth against itsuki's before pulling away gently. he squeezes his hand once and keeps their fingers intertwined as he moves to rise.]

Let's go.

[itsuki is so fcking stupid he doesn't know about paraiso,

he leans in even after Buzen pulls away, gets to his feet with the motion of someone who wants to chase after Buzen and say -- sorry? apologize? he has a distinct feeling that he's said the wrong thing,]

Buzen...

[and yet he trails off anyway, his voice uncertain, hand gripping Buzen's like it's a lifeline.]

I know I'm being selfish. [but,] But I don't know if I can apologize right now and mean it.

[because a part of him won't mean it at all, and that's the part of him that's happy that he won't have to stay home the next time buzen leaves,]

Then don't say it. I'd rather you be honest than say something just because it's what you think I want to hear.

[that's something buzen can say for sure. he doesn't want to ask itsuki to change, because he loves itsuki as he is. he's very good at meeting people where they are, accepting all parts of their history and their person. even when he's been told that sometimes maybe he shouldn't... that's not what buzen does. he's always about being there for people in their darkest moments.

it's just a little sad, he thinks, when itsuki doesn't completely understand that he's asking to walk straight into a special kind of hell. that he thinks that buzen is a good enough reason for that, when buzen wishes that he wasn't.]

Be selfish. It's not your fault. I'll figure out how to handle it.

[he'll go to start walking toward the gous' room - even now that's where most of buzen's spare clothes are. he'd rather change out of his uniform. suddenly he's not in much of a rush to go on a mission again anytime soon]

[...

he should have waited... just a little longer, to ask buzen. or maybe this conversation would have gone exactly the same, no matter when Itsuki decided to initiate it,

he follows after Buzen, just a half step behind until they reach the room. he's quiet as buzen changes, folding his uniform neatly and setting it aside for the laundry later,]

It shouldn't be only on you. [quietly, as he helps unfasten one of Buzen's gloves, searching for something to say that might help] Let's figure it out together.

[even though figuring it out together is the problem here???]

[ah. buzen will pause when itsuki reaches out to help him, and he extends his hand. honestly it's hard to say if buzen's mad... closer to frustrated and resigned.]

... I don't want you going, but you want to go. [ . . . ] But I think I understand that regardless of what ends up happening, something will happen to make you sad.

[that's not an 'if'. their missions are brutal. maybe not all of them, and there might be some that itsuki can come on and wait somewhere during a battle and buzen can do all the dirty work without ever putting him in harm's way. but... he might still have to live with the heavy knowledge of the responsibility placed on them.]

... The Gous listen to me better - so I guess I'm not used to it. Ame tried to help me with something once, but I told him that I could handle it. I'd rather that he write poetry.

I wanted that for you too - to be able to enjoy the peace without trying to take on anything heavy.

[but it's still not really about what buzen wants, if itsuki so strongly wants something else]

[he slowly eases the glove off of Buzen's hand, wondering if the little thrill that runs through him is from seeing bare skin, or from Buzen admitting that he's different from his beloved Gous.

sometimes, Itsuki wonders how much easier his life might be if he was also a sword. this is not one of those times -- if their relationship can be something wholly different from what Buzen has with anyone else, then he'll embrace those differences]

You've seen so much more than I have. And you've shouldered it -- you're shouldering it even now.

[the only memory he has is of the human Buzen had to kill, who knows how much he's seen?]

But you don't let that stop you from enjoying the peace. ...So I'd like to do that too, with you.

[ . . . . ah. he stills a little at that. his expression is calm, but it's also careful. a little less open.]

... I'm a sword, Suki. I'm meant for war. Even though... there are other things that bring me happiness too, and I got to know some of that when we were in the Prism.

But my very first mission didn't give me a chance to know anything but death. I'm used to it. [a beat] I wouldn't wish that upon anyone else. Not other swords. Not my friends from the Prism.

Least of all you.

.... but I don't think you'll understand me until you experience some of it for yourself - even though I wish you wouldn't. If caring about me is what's leading you to want to join our missions then - I almost wish you'd care about me less.

[he doesn't mean it maliciously or angrily - if anything, he sounds a little lost when he says it.]

I think you're going to regret this.

[Itsuki swallows.

rationally, he knows what Buzen means. it's the kind of sentiment that Itsuki's thought of before, like when Buzen told him he wanted to save Roxana -- and Itsuki's first resentful thought was that he wished Buzen didn't care so much about her. so really, he's in no position to feel as shocked as he does now, especially when buzen's not being cruel. he knows what buzen means, really. when buzen says 'i almost wish you'd care about me less' it's because he's thinking of itsuki, not because he wants to run from him.

but it doesn't stop the sudden pulse of fear that runs through him, at the idea that buzen might not want him to care as much as he already does. that the intensity of itsuki's emotions have created this singular conflict between them,

he already regrets it -- a little. for asking. he hates seeing that expression on buzen's face. he sets the glove down, cradles Buzen's hand in between both of his, silent as he searches for a reply that's not a 'i won't']

...What if you showed me tonight? If it's in a dream... then you won't have to worry about my safety.

[if it's a dream, then buzen won't have to worry about losing him, right?]

[it's a difficult situation, and buzen knows it. in the end, there is no solution that will leave both of them content and happy. it's funny when buzen knows just as well as any other that facing the hurtful things is just as important -

he just thinks it speaks to his own inexperience that finally, when faced with something that scares him a little, he shies from it. this heart really makes him into a hypocrite.

he lets itsuki hold onto his hand, and his other goes to cup his cheek. he's sure that what he's said hasn't brought itsuki comfort, but he has to be honest too, he thinks. he has to try to save itsuki from himself, even if itsuki is just as stubborn and doesn't want to listen]

... if that's what you want.

[tentative, a little passive. but buzen figures he can endure one nightmare if it brings itsuki even a little closer to understanding what he's saying]

[it really speaks to their relationship so far that their first disagreement is upsetting itsuki this much, but it also says something that he's still clinging to what he wants instead of immediately giving way. it's bittersweet. he's never wanted to cause buzen any pain for any reason.

...he really is selfish, huh.]

...Thank you. [he turns his head so he can kiss the center of Buzen's palm, and so he can hide his expression a little.

...]

I wanted to show you a nice dream, since you just got back.

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