sugarcube | psl || like a ripple that chases the slightest caress of the breeze

[these are very good reasons, because they're all true. it's dangerous, he could get hurt, and he's never seen war with his own eyes before... but his brows furrow at that last one, and his grip tightens on Buzen's gloved hands]

You are. [it's a certainty that would match Buzen's if Itsuki really knew what he was asking for,

but it's fine, because all he needs to focus on is buzen,]

You're the reason I want to be here, and the reason why I want to go with you. That's all I need.

[ . . .

it's hard to say if he thinks that's true. buzen knows how much love means to itsuki - he thinks he understands a little himself how much itsuki means to him. buzen would kill anyone if something happened to him. but... buzen is a sword.

he will always kill.

what does it mean that itsuki would sacrifice the peace he's always known for him? to accept being in danger and losing his life, just to be close to buzen? does he really understand what any of that means without going onto the frontlines himself?]

... I love you, Suki. I don't want you to have to ever want for anything. But if I lose you, I'll never forgive myself.

[softly, but certainly

. . . he just pulls one hand a way just to run it through his hair, aggravated. in the end...]

... so we'll just have to keep that from happening, right?

[buzen still doesn't know how to put his own wants ahead of itsuki's.]

[there's immediate elation, tempered by the guilt that runs through him when Buzen ruffles his hair. a part of him wants to take it back right away. it's rare to see Buzen look so troubled... it's not an expression Itsuki likes to see on him.

but the weight of those two months is still fresh in his mind. the selfish part of him whispers 'i'd rather to get see buzen like this, then not at all']

I promise I'll work hard.

[maybe he can borrow some of Buzen's effortless confidence here, which isn't difficult to do. he believes in buzen when he says he'll always keep him safe, he's never seen any evidence to the contrary. he slides his hand under Buzen's chin to turn his face towards him, then cups his face]

I won't give you any reason to worry -- or to even think that you'll lose me.

[ . . . buzen knows that it's not simple.

when itsuki holds onto his face, he goes with the pull easily. but there is a glimpse of something that he's too slow to hide - doesn't think to, at first. a quiet type of resignation. not of losing itsuki in particular, but in knowing that the human life is fleeting and can slip through your fingers at any point. the level of comfort that buzen has with death perhaps not unique to swords, but it permeates the core of his being a little more.

since his first mission when death was all around, and all he could do was accept it. because that's history.]

.... it's really not that simple.

[but he doesn't think itsuki will understand until he's standing at the edge of a massacre, shouldering the full weight of what they do. how could buzen expect him to accept it when he's only known peace? he wishes that he could talk itsuki out of it - know the right words to say to dissuade him from it.

but he supposes it's just one more way that he can't protect someone.

he leans in to press his mouth against itsuki's before pulling away gently. he squeezes his hand once and keeps their fingers intertwined as he moves to rise.]

Let's go.

[itsuki is so fcking stupid he doesn't know about paraiso,

he leans in even after Buzen pulls away, gets to his feet with the motion of someone who wants to chase after Buzen and say -- sorry? apologize? he has a distinct feeling that he's said the wrong thing,]

Buzen...

[and yet he trails off anyway, his voice uncertain, hand gripping Buzen's like it's a lifeline.]

I know I'm being selfish. [but,] But I don't know if I can apologize right now and mean it.

[because a part of him won't mean it at all, and that's the part of him that's happy that he won't have to stay home the next time buzen leaves,]

Then don't say it. I'd rather you be honest than say something just because it's what you think I want to hear.

[that's something buzen can say for sure. he doesn't want to ask itsuki to change, because he loves itsuki as he is. he's very good at meeting people where they are, accepting all parts of their history and their person. even when he's been told that sometimes maybe he shouldn't... that's not what buzen does. he's always about being there for people in their darkest moments.

it's just a little sad, he thinks, when itsuki doesn't completely understand that he's asking to walk straight into a special kind of hell. that he thinks that buzen is a good enough reason for that, when buzen wishes that he wasn't.]

Be selfish. It's not your fault. I'll figure out how to handle it.

[he'll go to start walking toward the gous' room - even now that's where most of buzen's spare clothes are. he'd rather change out of his uniform. suddenly he's not in much of a rush to go on a mission again anytime soon]

[...

he should have waited... just a little longer, to ask buzen. or maybe this conversation would have gone exactly the same, no matter when Itsuki decided to initiate it,

he follows after Buzen, just a half step behind until they reach the room. he's quiet as buzen changes, folding his uniform neatly and setting it aside for the laundry later,]

It shouldn't be only on you. [quietly, as he helps unfasten one of Buzen's gloves, searching for something to say that might help] Let's figure it out together.

[even though figuring it out together is the problem here???]

[ah. buzen will pause when itsuki reaches out to help him, and he extends his hand. honestly it's hard to say if buzen's mad... closer to frustrated and resigned.]

... I don't want you going, but you want to go. [ . . . ] But I think I understand that regardless of what ends up happening, something will happen to make you sad.

[that's not an 'if'. their missions are brutal. maybe not all of them, and there might be some that itsuki can come on and wait somewhere during a battle and buzen can do all the dirty work without ever putting him in harm's way. but... he might still have to live with the heavy knowledge of the responsibility placed on them.]

... The Gous listen to me better - so I guess I'm not used to it. Ame tried to help me with something once, but I told him that I could handle it. I'd rather that he write poetry.

I wanted that for you too - to be able to enjoy the peace without trying to take on anything heavy.

[but it's still not really about what buzen wants, if itsuki so strongly wants something else]

[he slowly eases the glove off of Buzen's hand, wondering if the little thrill that runs through him is from seeing bare skin, or from Buzen admitting that he's different from his beloved Gous.

sometimes, Itsuki wonders how much easier his life might be if he was also a sword. this is not one of those times -- if their relationship can be something wholly different from what Buzen has with anyone else, then he'll embrace those differences]

You've seen so much more than I have. And you've shouldered it -- you're shouldering it even now.

[the only memory he has is of the human Buzen had to kill, who knows how much he's seen?]

But you don't let that stop you from enjoying the peace. ...So I'd like to do that too, with you.

[ . . . . ah. he stills a little at that. his expression is calm, but it's also careful. a little less open.]

... I'm a sword, Suki. I'm meant for war. Even though... there are other things that bring me happiness too, and I got to know some of that when we were in the Prism.

But my very first mission didn't give me a chance to know anything but death. I'm used to it. [a beat] I wouldn't wish that upon anyone else. Not other swords. Not my friends from the Prism.

Least of all you.

.... but I don't think you'll understand me until you experience some of it for yourself - even though I wish you wouldn't. If caring about me is what's leading you to want to join our missions then - I almost wish you'd care about me less.

[he doesn't mean it maliciously or angrily - if anything, he sounds a little lost when he says it.]

I think you're going to regret this.

[Itsuki swallows.

rationally, he knows what Buzen means. it's the kind of sentiment that Itsuki's thought of before, like when Buzen told him he wanted to save Roxana -- and Itsuki's first resentful thought was that he wished Buzen didn't care so much about her. so really, he's in no position to feel as shocked as he does now, especially when buzen's not being cruel. he knows what buzen means, really. when buzen says 'i almost wish you'd care about me less' it's because he's thinking of itsuki, not because he wants to run from him.

but it doesn't stop the sudden pulse of fear that runs through him, at the idea that buzen might not want him to care as much as he already does. that the intensity of itsuki's emotions have created this singular conflict between them,

he already regrets it -- a little. for asking. he hates seeing that expression on buzen's face. he sets the glove down, cradles Buzen's hand in between both of his, silent as he searches for a reply that's not a 'i won't']

...What if you showed me tonight? If it's in a dream... then you won't have to worry about my safety.

[if it's a dream, then buzen won't have to worry about losing him, right?]

[it's a difficult situation, and buzen knows it. in the end, there is no solution that will leave both of them content and happy. it's funny when buzen knows just as well as any other that facing the hurtful things is just as important -

he just thinks it speaks to his own inexperience that finally, when faced with something that scares him a little, he shies from it. this heart really makes him into a hypocrite.

he lets itsuki hold onto his hand, and his other goes to cup his cheek. he's sure that what he's said hasn't brought itsuki comfort, but he has to be honest too, he thinks. he has to try to save itsuki from himself, even if itsuki is just as stubborn and doesn't want to listen]

... if that's what you want.

[tentative, a little passive. but buzen figures he can endure one nightmare if it brings itsuki even a little closer to understanding what he's saying]

[it really speaks to their relationship so far that their first disagreement is upsetting itsuki this much, but it also says something that he's still clinging to what he wants instead of immediately giving way. it's bittersweet. he's never wanted to cause buzen any pain for any reason.

...he really is selfish, huh.]

...Thank you. [he turns his head so he can kiss the center of Buzen's palm, and so he can hide his expression a little.

...]

I wanted to show you a nice dream, since you just got back.

[ . . . buzen sighs a little at that. his expression softens with the kiss, and he'll gently pull his hands away from itsuki - but only for a few seconds, really. his arms are around his waist quickly afterward, pulling him closer so that buzen can give him a hug.]

I appreciate that but... I don't need a nice dream.

I just wanted to see you.

[more than anything else.]

[hug.... softe.... itsuki slide his arms around Buzen's back, pressing his face onto his shoulder]

...Me too.

[more than anything else]

I wish I could reach you wherever you are.

[dreams are pale substitutes to reality -- but he'd take a dream any day, especially when buzen's off in another timeline. if only he could somehow make his way through...]

Maybe then I could be satisfied with waiting.

... I wish I could give you everything you want.

[he turns his head to kiss itsuki's cheek before nuzzling gently against him]

I guess I didn't realize how long two months can feel to a human. Sorry. For us, it can get a little hard to really keep track of time like that...

[hm. he holds Buzen a little more tightly,]

You don't have to give me everything, not when you've given me the thing I've always wanted. [love...

and also a chance to follow buzen anywhere,]

But I guess I've never really thought about it... About how long my time is compared to yours.

[ . . . that's a little funny.

it shows to buzen again how different their mindsets are. buzen has never once forgotten that itsuki's time is so limited compared to his own. unless buzen falls in battle, chances are so much higher that itsuki will die first and buzen will be the one left behind.

thinking on it again now, he wouldn't change any decision he's made up to this point.

he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair.]

Does it scare you?

[death is something that scares itsuki so much. he thinks about how he told wicked once that he's not afraid of dying, so much as he's afraid of leaving someone behind. it's a pain that he's very intimate with, and one he thinks is the worst kind to have. maybe it speaks to how sheltered itsuki is, that he believes a broken heart is the worst thing in the world.]

...It does.

[he knows buzen's feelings weren't forced in any way. he feels a measure of guilt all the same -- for being the one buzen chose to love.

maybe buzen would be happier if he had fallen in love with someone who could stay with him.]

I don't want to leave you behind. That's not something I'd wish on anyone.

.... I'm a little used to it.

[maybe not traditionally - but buzen is a little used to being alone, in his own little corner of history mostly separate from the other gous. and more than that, having to think about all the ways in which he might not have truly been there at all. you can't be left behind if you were never there to begin with.

but now, in this body, he has seen so many humans go ahead of him. he knows what it's like. even if itsuki lives to a hundred years old, buzen knows he will live even longer.

still, he kisses him gently - like he wants to treasure any chance he gets]

I'm just happy I've gotten to meet you at all. Any time we get together - that's what I treasure. Even though I also know at the same time it'll never be enough.

But I think that is just proof of how much I love you.

[a broken heart is the worst thing in the world, but that means the opposite is true too. that love is the best thing, and that he has that now, with Buzen. he relaxes in Buzen's arms, returning the kiss with fervor and then drawing back just a little, so he can see Buzen's expression,

he wishes buzen didn't have to be used to it.

but,]

...Will you be alright?

[will buzen be okay when itsuki leaves him? as much as he'd like to say that he never will leave -- because he would never, if it was up to him -- but it's not something that's up to him, is it?

...he wants to give buzen all the happiness he can. he doesn't know what he'd do if he couldn't anymore.]

... yes, and no. I think.

[if he could take a guess? it's hard to say. he didn't expect how angry he was the first time that itsuki died - maybe because it felt so premature, maybe because it was so utterly preventable if not for some lost teenager's actions.

but he holds itsuki close, and keeps his calm for now.]

I'll miss you every time that you're not with me. But I already told you that I'll never forget you, and I'll keep you with me wherever I go.

[even before they were in love - it's what buzen promised. it's what he's promised every human that he's met. roxana, marie, hot pants, ryunosuke. they will all die before him. he will remember them all.]

But I'll keep doing what I have to do... and I'll think of you every time I have a nice dream, or hear love poetry. That won't change whether I'll see you again tomorrow, or if I'll never see you again.

[mm, he remembers that promise. him standing in the threshold of the heliotrope apartment, that frisson of shock that ran through him as Buzen kissed his hand and promised to remember him for always.

the way it had felt like pieces slotting into a puzzle -- that this was someone Itsuki could fall in love with. and then he had. and now he's here,]

..Thank you. [softly] For loving me, and missing me... And for living.

[buzen runs so confidently into danger at all times, but... it makes Itsuki relieved to hear that he wouldn't run just to follow itsuki. a little ironic maybe, considering how Itsuki would react if Buzen left first... he kisses him again, warm and soft,]

Never sounds like such a long time though. [he's teasing, but he finds that he means every word] Even if I go on ahead... I'll definitely come back to you.

[buzen isn't sure if living is something to be thanked for - but he accepts it nonetheless. he's happy to know that itsuki doesn't want his death to break him, accepts that it won't. even if buzen will end up carrying the pain of loss with him for the rest of his days, he would rather do that then go hurtling into the abyss.

for someone who may not exist, every single moment feels like a gift.]

... will you.... Alright then.

[buzen can promise that he'll always find itsuki, whether it's this life or the next, because at the end of the day he's a spirit. he can rely on myth to carry him through, reckless and confident. he's less sure about humans and their souls.

but he's also not going to be the one to tell itsuki that that there's anything he can't do]

Then I'll always keep looking for you.

[itsuki always tends to err on the side of fantasy. it's a side-effect from having been raised on fairy tales and then given a power that prioritizes illusion over reality.

but he's so certain in this. maybe that's why he was taken on that ship, and then to the prism. maybe he's already met buzen in a past life. maybe he hasn't. maybe his chances are better now that he's in buzen's world. either way, he's here now, and he knows enough that he doesn't want to let go.

he holds out his hand playfully, forming it so he extends his pinky]

Promise?

[it's a gesture that he ultimately doesn't need, not when buzen's already said he would. still, he'd like to seal it between them, even in this childish way]

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