[death is something that scares itsuki so much. he thinks about how he told wicked once that he's not afraid of dying, so much as he's afraid of leaving someone behind. it's a pain that he's very intimate with, and one he thinks is the worst kind to have. maybe it speaks to how sheltered itsuki is, that he believes a broken heart is the worst thing in the world.]
...It does.
[he knows buzen's feelings weren't forced in any way. he feels a measure of guilt all the same -- for being the one buzen chose to love.
maybe buzen would be happier if he had fallen in love with someone who could stay with him.]
I don't want to leave you behind. That's not something I'd wish on anyone.
[maybe not traditionally - but buzen is a little used to being alone, in his own little corner of history mostly separate from the other gous. and more than that, having to think about all the ways in which he might not have truly been there at all. you can't be left behind if you were never there to begin with.
but now, in this body, he has seen so many humans go ahead of him. he knows what it's like. even if itsuki lives to a hundred years old, buzen knows he will live even longer.
still, he kisses him gently - like he wants to treasure any chance he gets]
I'm just happy I've gotten to meet you at all. Any time we get together - that's what I treasure. Even though I also know at the same time it'll never be enough.
But I think that is just proof of how much I love you.
[a broken heart is the worst thing in the world, but that means the opposite is true too. that love is the best thing, and that he has that now, with Buzen. he relaxes in Buzen's arms, returning the kiss with fervor and then drawing back just a little, so he can see Buzen's expression,
he wishes buzen didn't have to be used to it.
but,]
...Will you be alright?
[will buzen be okay when itsuki leaves him? as much as he'd like to say that he never will leave -- because he would never, if it was up to him -- but it's not something that's up to him, is it?
...he wants to give buzen all the happiness he can. he doesn't know what he'd do if he couldn't anymore.]
[if he could take a guess? it's hard to say. he didn't expect how angry he was the first time that itsuki died - maybe because it felt so premature, maybe because it was so utterly preventable if not for some lost teenager's actions.
but he holds itsuki close, and keeps his calm for now.]
I'll miss you every time that you're not with me. But I already told you that I'll never forget you, and I'll keep you with me wherever I go.
[even before they were in love - it's what buzen promised. it's what he's promised every human that he's met. roxana, marie, hot pants, ryunosuke. they will all die before him. he will remember them all.]
But I'll keep doing what I have to do... and I'll think of you every time I have a nice dream, or hear love poetry. That won't change whether I'll see you again tomorrow, or if I'll never see you again.
[mm, he remembers that promise. him standing in the threshold of the heliotrope apartment, that frisson of shock that ran through him as Buzen kissed his hand and promised to remember him for always.
the way it had felt like pieces slotting into a puzzle -- that this was someone Itsuki could fall in love with. and then he had. and now he's here,]
..Thank you. [softly] For loving me, and missing me... And for living.
[buzen runs so confidently into danger at all times, but... it makes Itsuki relieved to hear that he wouldn't run just to follow itsuki. a little ironic maybe, considering how Itsuki would react if Buzen left first... he kisses him again, warm and soft,]
Never sounds like such a long time though. [he's teasing, but he finds that he means every word] Even if I go on ahead... I'll definitely come back to you.
[buzen isn't sure if living is something to be thanked for - but he accepts it nonetheless. he's happy to know that itsuki doesn't want his death to break him, accepts that it won't. even if buzen will end up carrying the pain of loss with him for the rest of his days, he would rather do that then go hurtling into the abyss.
for someone who may not exist, every single moment feels like a gift.]
... will you.... Alright then.
[buzen can promise that he'll always find itsuki, whether it's this life or the next, because at the end of the day he's a spirit. he can rely on myth to carry him through, reckless and confident. he's less sure about humans and their souls.
but he's also not going to be the one to tell itsuki that that there's anything he can't do]
[itsuki always tends to err on the side of fantasy. it's a side-effect from having been raised on fairy tales and then given a power that prioritizes illusion over reality.
but he's so certain in this. maybe that's why he was taken on that ship, and then to the prism. maybe he's already met buzen in a past life. maybe he hasn't. maybe his chances are better now that he's in buzen's world. either way, he's here now, and he knows enough that he doesn't want to let go.
he holds out his hand playfully, forming it so he extends his pinky]
Promise?
[it's a gesture that he ultimately doesn't need, not when buzen's already said he would. still, he'd like to seal it between them, even in this childish way]
Itsuki laughs, squeezing Buzen's pinky, and then loosening his hold so he can clasp his hand in his. It's true that promise hasn't changed anything -- hasn't convinced either of them to not feel what they're feeling. He takes heart in it anyway. a promise made is still worth something, even if all the odds are stacked against them.
The odds... his expression sobers a little,]
...Feels like I'm tying you down.
[his yan-adjacent ass realizes this. if itsuki's life will only be a small fraction of buzen's, then it's not fair to keep the rest of him. it's not fair.... and yet..............]
it's hard for buzen to really get a sense of what itsuki is saying. he's always been as free as the wind, the type to go wherever he wants without looking back. typically he expects others to follow him as they please, his comrades always chasing after his footsteps.
but he looks a little amused when itsuki's expression turns slightly - guilty? buzen can't quite place the emotion, but he leans in to kiss the melancholy off his face anyway]
Good.
[with all the certainty he can muster]
You'll always remind me I have a home to come back to.
[how can he mind being tied to someone who will always welcome him back?]
[his melancholy vanishes, leaving only a bright smile on his face. ...it really is like buzen, to always turn his insecurities inside out. it's more than love, it's just -- him.
buzen gou, the sword so fast he's never been seen, and the sword who'll always chase away his worries.
maybe he should say more now, but -- it's not important. and he doesn't want to confuse buzen, when he'd asked him to be with only him all those weeks ago.]
I love you, Buzen. ...I won't ever regret that.
[he won't regret the promise, no matter what he sees in the future. he'll finally take off buzen's other glove,]
[itsuki really said 'i could possibly release this sword into future poly but not yet :)' and i think that's actually pretty valid of him
regardless buzen... relaxes ever so slightly. maybe some part of him was worried about that, even if he hadn't realized. if maybe at some point itsuki would regret choosing him, regret loving him when faced with the truth of everything that buzen carries.
it'd be nice if his words could be true. buzen finds himself a little nervous to hope but... he still does. he leans in to press another kiss to itsuki's mouth like trying to get a taste of his certainty]
Mm, we can. [a beat] Tell me about something good that happened while I was gone, though. Before we fall asleep.
[he'd like to know just one thing that's sweet, before they embark on what buzen considers nothing short of a journey to hell]
[stop i hate itsuki so much he's out here with a ring in one hand and paraiso in the other
If Buzen wants certainty, then Itsuki will give it to him. he's full to bursting with it, content in knowing that he'll always be buzen's and buzen will always be his. he's putting a pin in future poly and tabling that discussion way off into the future,
for now he kisses Buzen back, laughs into his mouth before pulling back because as much as itsuki's always down for horny, he's just as touch starved too. he wants to hold buzen in his arms when they go to sleep tonight, as if this will somehow help prepare him for the dream they're about to see (IT REALLY WON'T???). for now though, he's happy to fulfill buzen's request]
Hm... I feel like the best thing was you coming home? [he's just so gay...] But let me think...
[itsuki shuffles through the days, immediately discarding all the extremely embarrassing moments of itsuki pining over buzen to anyone who had the patience to listen to him, before remembering,]
I've been telling stories to some of the swords. They're really interested in fairy tales? Like Kuwa -- he likes Jack and the Beanstalk the best. [WONDER WHY...] But a few days ago, I was telling Urashima-kun the story of the little mermaid, and he got really excited. He said he wanted to talk to a mermaid, and asked me the best way to do that.
I said I wasn't sure, but that he should maybe try to leave a message in the ocean for them. [the amusement is very clear in his voice as he continues] And then yesterday -- I found out that he and some of the other swords stole all the clams from the kitchen.
[now he's laughing]
They put notes in every single clam. They said they wanted to throw them into the river so that the mermaids could find them. Apparently, Tsuru-san told them it was the fastest way.
[aka the chaos swords were in the bg enabling all of this to happen, itsuki is Innocent,]
[i'm losing my mind over the fact that you have to literally come up with some kind of reasoning for why they aren't going to bang tonight this is so funny aweklghekg
anyway buzen listens!! he finishes changing into a more casual set of clothes, loose and comfy enough for sleep. he stretches out as he listens to itsuki's story, lets the laugh get startled out of him, fond and disbelieving even though he can totally imagine this. immediately his own hand will reach for itsuki's once he's done, tugging him out of the room and headed for their shared room....
if he dreams of paraiso, he would simply like to put as much distance between him and matsui as possible,]
Pffhaha, you're really teaching them a lot!! If they haven't thrown the clams yet, we should go. I want to write a message too! Are mermaids fast, do you think?
[you IDIOT you FOOL don't just FALL FOR THE SAME CHAOS AS SOON AS YOU'RE HOME]
I can probably fight off a mermaid, if it came to it...
[probably... he's thinking about it now. but he'll cuddle itsuki into his arms even as he goes to fall back against the futon, adjusting the blankets to cover them both...
he presses a kiss to itsuki's forehead now, thoughtful]
... are you sure about this, Suki? That you want to see a mission...
[ . . . buzen thinks about that for a moment but - it's about as safe as it could ever be. putting this in itsuki's hand to control, so he can decide his own limits.
buzen will just softly hum at that, his fingers automatically running through itsuki's hair even as he watches his expression.]
[at that, itsuki immediately looks curious, turning his head a little so he can look at Buzen more clearly, but otherwise not moving too much. he feels so comfortable here...
it really has been a while since buzen's slept at his side. it isn't as if he was totally bereft without him, not with the gous to keep him company.
...still, the gous aren't buzen. and having buzen here now reinforces that fact,]
[softly confirming, even as he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair on repeat - it's hard to say whether it's to soothe itsuki, or for buzen to just have an excuse to keep touching him.
to remember the softness of this moment even as memories begin to creep into the back of his mind]
Under the sunbeams in the morning, In the warmth of the afternoon, I wonder if the Lord Jesus was with me then? If so, I wonder where He was at night? In your dreams, you can meet Him. Ororon, ororon, ororonbai.
[his voice is steady as he recalls that song that emosaku would sing to himself, lost in his thoughts and grief after amakusa shirou was killed in front of him. the comfort that thinking of his heaven would bring.
buzen never sang this lullaby to meteion. it always felt just a little too sad. still he brings his hand to cup itsuki's cheek and lets his thumb run lightly underneath his eye]
Ah, dry your nightly tears and fall back asleep. Ororon, ororon, ororonbai.
itsuki's heard many lullabies, thanks to the nature of his job, but this one stands out. it's not about a child or romance, or missing a loved one. this one is soft enough to lull him to sleep. there's something in buzen's voice -- as steady as it is -- that makes him feel pensive. his eyes blink closed at the touch of his thumb, then blink back open, soft]
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...It does.
[he knows buzen's feelings weren't forced in any way. he feels a measure of guilt all the same -- for being the one buzen chose to love.
maybe buzen would be happier if he had fallen in love with someone who could stay with him.]
I don't want to leave you behind. That's not something I'd wish on anyone.
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[maybe not traditionally - but buzen is a little used to being alone, in his own little corner of history mostly separate from the other gous. and more than that, having to think about all the ways in which he might not have truly been there at all. you can't be left behind if you were never there to begin with.
but now, in this body, he has seen so many humans go ahead of him. he knows what it's like. even if itsuki lives to a hundred years old, buzen knows he will live even longer.
still, he kisses him gently - like he wants to treasure any chance he gets]
I'm just happy I've gotten to meet you at all. Any time we get together - that's what I treasure. Even though I also know at the same time it'll never be enough.
But I think that is just proof of how much I love you.
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he wishes buzen didn't have to be used to it.
but,]
...Will you be alright?
[will buzen be okay when itsuki leaves him? as much as he'd like to say that he never will leave -- because he would never, if it was up to him -- but it's not something that's up to him, is it?
...he wants to give buzen all the happiness he can. he doesn't know what he'd do if he couldn't anymore.]
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[if he could take a guess? it's hard to say. he didn't expect how angry he was the first time that itsuki died - maybe because it felt so premature, maybe because it was so utterly preventable if not for some lost teenager's actions.
but he holds itsuki close, and keeps his calm for now.]
I'll miss you every time that you're not with me. But I already told you that I'll never forget you, and I'll keep you with me wherever I go.
[even before they were in love - it's what buzen promised. it's what he's promised every human that he's met. roxana, marie, hot pants, ryunosuke. they will all die before him. he will remember them all.]
But I'll keep doing what I have to do... and I'll think of you every time I have a nice dream, or hear love poetry. That won't change whether I'll see you again tomorrow, or if I'll never see you again.
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the way it had felt like pieces slotting into a puzzle -- that this was someone Itsuki could fall in love with. and then he had. and now he's here,]
..Thank you. [softly] For loving me, and missing me... And for living.
[buzen runs so confidently into danger at all times, but... it makes Itsuki relieved to hear that he wouldn't run just to follow itsuki. a little ironic maybe, considering how Itsuki would react if Buzen left first... he kisses him again, warm and soft,]
Never sounds like such a long time though. [he's teasing, but he finds that he means every word] Even if I go on ahead... I'll definitely come back to you.
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for someone who may not exist, every single moment feels like a gift.]
... will you.... Alright then.
[buzen can promise that he'll always find itsuki, whether it's this life or the next, because at the end of the day he's a spirit. he can rely on myth to carry him through, reckless and confident. he's less sure about humans and their souls.
but he's also not going to be the one to tell itsuki that that there's anything he can't do]
Then I'll always keep looking for you.
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but he's so certain in this. maybe that's why he was taken on that ship, and then to the prism. maybe he's already met buzen in a past life. maybe he hasn't. maybe his chances are better now that he's in buzen's world. either way, he's here now, and he knows enough that he doesn't want to let go.
he holds out his hand playfully, forming it so he extends his pinky]
Promise?
[it's a gesture that he ultimately doesn't need, not when buzen's already said he would. still, he'd like to seal it between them, even in this childish way]
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it's pretty clear on his face when he just cluelessly holds his hand up in return, pinky extended?]
Promise...?
[sure!]
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he just goes 'hehehe' i hate this man, but he'll curl his pinky around his,]
A pinky promise.
[and he sings the time-honored lines. 'if you tell a lie.... drink one thousand needles....' damn why does this promise go hard]
To look for each other, so I can fall in love with you all over again.
[buzen got locked into the yan route in this universe]
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No lies...? Hmm, I don't think I could handle the needles...
[stop]
But this is easy to tell the truth about, so I'm sure it's fine.
[HE'S BEEN LOCKED INTO YAN ROUTE SINCE THEY FELL IN LOVE IN TWO WEEKS FLAT]
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Itsuki laughs, squeezing Buzen's pinky, and then loosening his hold so he can clasp his hand in his. It's true that promise hasn't changed anything -- hasn't convinced either of them to not feel what they're feeling. He takes heart in it anyway. a promise made is still worth something, even if all the odds are stacked against them.
The odds... his expression sobers a little,]
...Feels like I'm tying you down.
[his yan-adjacent ass realizes this. if itsuki's life will only be a small fraction of buzen's, then it's not fair to keep the rest of him. it's not fair.... and yet..............]
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it's hard for buzen to really get a sense of what itsuki is saying. he's always been as free as the wind, the type to go wherever he wants without looking back. typically he expects others to follow him as they please, his comrades always chasing after his footsteps.
but he looks a little amused when itsuki's expression turns slightly - guilty? buzen can't quite place the emotion, but he leans in to kiss the melancholy off his face anyway]
Good.
[with all the certainty he can muster]
You'll always remind me I have a home to come back to.
[how can he mind being tied to someone who will always welcome him back?]
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buzen gou, the sword so fast he's never been seen, and the sword who'll always chase away his worries.
maybe he should say more now, but -- it's not important. and he doesn't want to confuse buzen, when he'd asked him to be with only him all those weeks ago.]
I love you, Buzen. ...I won't ever regret that.
[he won't regret the promise, no matter what he sees in the future. he'll finally take off buzen's other glove,]
How do you feel? Want to head to bed?
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regardless buzen... relaxes ever so slightly. maybe some part of him was worried about that, even if he hadn't realized. if maybe at some point itsuki would regret choosing him, regret loving him when faced with the truth of everything that buzen carries.
it'd be nice if his words could be true. buzen finds himself a little nervous to hope but... he still does. he leans in to press another kiss to itsuki's mouth like trying to get a taste of his certainty]
Mm, we can. [a beat] Tell me about something good that happened while I was gone, though. Before we fall asleep.
[he'd like to know just one thing that's sweet, before they embark on what buzen considers nothing short of a journey to hell]
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If Buzen wants certainty, then Itsuki will give it to him. he's full to bursting with it, content in knowing that he'll always be buzen's and buzen will always be his. he's putting a pin in future poly and tabling that discussion way off into the future,
for now he kisses Buzen back, laughs into his mouth before pulling back because as much as itsuki's always down for horny, he's just as touch starved too. he wants to hold buzen in his arms when they go to sleep tonight, as if this will somehow help prepare him for the dream they're about to see (IT REALLY WON'T???). for now though, he's happy to fulfill buzen's request]
Hm... I feel like the best thing was you coming home? [he's just so gay...] But let me think...
[itsuki shuffles through the days, immediately discarding all the extremely embarrassing moments of itsuki pining over buzen to anyone who had the patience to listen to him, before remembering,]
I've been telling stories to some of the swords. They're really interested in fairy tales? Like Kuwa -- he likes Jack and the Beanstalk the best. [WONDER WHY...] But a few days ago, I was telling Urashima-kun the story of the little mermaid, and he got really excited. He said he wanted to talk to a mermaid, and asked me the best way to do that.
I said I wasn't sure, but that he should maybe try to leave a message in the ocean for them. [the amusement is very clear in his voice as he continues] And then yesterday -- I found out that he and some of the other swords stole all the clams from the kitchen.
[now he's laughing]
They put notes in every single clam. They said they wanted to throw them into the river so that the mermaids could find them. Apparently, Tsuru-san told them it was the fastest way.
[aka the chaos swords were in the bg enabling all of this to happen, itsuki is Innocent,]
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anyway buzen listens!! he finishes changing into a more casual set of clothes, loose and comfy enough for sleep. he stretches out as he listens to itsuki's story, lets the laugh get startled out of him, fond and disbelieving even though he can totally imagine this. immediately his own hand will reach for itsuki's once he's done, tugging him out of the room and headed for their shared room....
if he dreams of paraiso, he would simply like to put as much distance between him and matsui as possible,]
Pffhaha, you're really teaching them a lot!! If they haven't thrown the clams yet, we should go. I want to write a message too! Are mermaids fast, do you think?
[you IDIOT you FOOL don't just FALL FOR THE SAME CHAOS AS SOON AS YOU'RE HOME]
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Itsuki laughs too, and it'd sound disbelieving if he didn't already love and accept the fact that buzen has 8 int,]
They're probably just as fast as our goldfish. [THEIR GOLDFISH CHILDREN, IKI AND KAZE] Do you think you could keep up even underwater?
[he'll change into pajammies once they get to their room, removing his pin and carefully placing it on the desk]
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anyway buzen will just go to set up the futon automatically, stretching out again before going to sit on it, adjusting the blankets.
and then automatically holding his arms out for itsuki. cuddle? cuddle???]
Hmmm... I don't know, but I'd try. I'm not meant for water travel, but there's no reason why I can't learn!
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itsuki immediately snuggles into Buzen's arms. cuddle!! cuddle!!!]
Just don't spend too much time learning. I would hate it if a mermaid tried to steal you from me.
[how fcking funny would it be if itsuki was jealous of FICTIONAL CREATURES, but he's not that far gone ig,]
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[probably... he's thinking about it now. but he'll cuddle itsuki into his arms even as he goes to fall back against the futon, adjusting the blankets to cover them both...
he presses a kiss to itsuki's forehead now, thoughtful]
... are you sure about this, Suki? That you want to see a mission...
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I am.
[even though he's loath to when buzen just came back]
...I want to see the things you've seen. If it gets to be too much... I'll immediately stop the dream.
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buzen will just softly hum at that, his fingers automatically running through itsuki's hair even as he watches his expression.]
... okay. Make sure you do.
[ . . . ]
Makes me think of a lullaby, actually.
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it really has been a while since buzen's slept at his side. it isn't as if he was totally bereft without him, not with the gous to keep him company.
...still, the gous aren't buzen. and having buzen here now reinforces that fact,]
A lullaby?
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[softly confirming, even as he runs his fingers through itsuki's hair on repeat - it's hard to say whether it's to soothe itsuki, or for buzen to just have an excuse to keep touching him.
to remember the softness of this moment even as memories begin to creep into the back of his mind]
Under the sunbeams in the morning,
In the warmth of the afternoon,
I wonder if the Lord Jesus was with me then?
If so, I wonder where He was at night?
In your dreams, you can meet Him.
Ororon, ororon, ororonbai.
[his voice is steady as he recalls that song that emosaku would sing to himself, lost in his thoughts and grief after amakusa shirou was killed in front of him. the comfort that thinking of his heaven would bring.
buzen never sang this lullaby to meteion. it always felt just a little too sad. still he brings his hand to cup itsuki's cheek and lets his thumb run lightly underneath his eye]
Ah, dry your nightly tears and fall back asleep.
Ororon, ororon, ororonbai.
no subject
itsuki's heard many lullabies, thanks to the nature of his job, but this one stands out. it's not about a child or romance, or missing a loved one. this one is soft enough to lull him to sleep. there's something in buzen's voice -- as steady as it is -- that makes him feel pensive. his eyes blink closed at the touch of his thumb, then blink back open, soft]
...Where is that from?
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